Am I really changing?
This morning after a miserable friday night I am calmly reflecting on whether I can leave or not. I understand the disease far better than when I first began these journals. I no longer take it personally when he begins to pick an argument that is unwarranted. I see now that is the alcoholic needing to justify his drinking. He needs to feel justified in his escape and I am the scapegoat. ...lying cheating whore that I am. I am beginning to come to grips with the understanding that after all the years we have been together this will never change and the only way through may be out. I know I have talked of leaving before but as I realize some personal goals I begin to wonder if I was unconsciously planning just in case I did eventually feel it necessary to leave. After last night I do not have any hope that these things could be worked out. I am not saying that he does not love me. Just that he is incapable of loving me above the disease. I think that is what has kept me hoping for so long...the hope that by some miracle love would win and that I was worth it and would be a stronger pull than the disease. I am sure many have had these same hopes only to be disappointed. I realize that if I left I would most likely spend the rest of my life alone but that is starting to seem like a better alternative than the unhappiness I live in now. Maybe it is no accident that I did not have a single anxiety attack while I was gone from him in Ohio. I felt very calm there after my initial fear of traveling. If I do not resolve this i think it will kill me one day.
Replies
Chemical dependence is a beast to reckon with for sure. Very good self-care is your only option. If he recognizes his alcoholism there is hope he can get into recovery but without first recognizing it and then wanting to find recovery by taking the necessary action of eliminating alcohol and the situations that have alcohol as a part of the environment then to stay with him is to be codependent in this illness. Perhaps he will seek recovery once he knows the relationship with you, whom he loves, is at risk?
Keep taking very good care of yourself.
:-) Patricia
I used to think maybe he would...but it hasn\'t happened in all these years and he has specifically told me that I would lose if it\'s between me and the drink. It makes me very sad that all these years together may be wasted.
He\'s probably told you the truth here.
There is some hypostatic pain in his life and his addiction is used to cope. Until he makes a breakthrough, he\'ll remain chained to his bottle.