Am I really changing?

This morning after a miserable friday night I am calmly reflecting on whether I can leave or not.  I understand the disease far better than when I first began these journals.  I no longer take it personally when he begins to pick an argument that is unwarranted.  I see now that is the alcoholic needing to justify his drinking.  He needs to feel justified in his escape and I am the scapegoat. ...lying cheating whore that I am.   I am beginning to come to grips with the understanding that after all the years we have been together this will never change and the only way through may be out.  I know I have talked of leaving before but as I realize some personal goals I begin to wonder if I was unconsciously planning just in case I did eventually feel it necessary to leave.  After last night I do not have any hope that these things could be worked out.  I am not saying that he does not love me.  Just that he is incapable of loving me above the disease.  I think that is what has kept me hoping for so long...the hope that by some miracle love would win and that I was worth it and would be a stronger pull than the disease.  I am sure many have had these same hopes only to be disappointed.  I realize that if I left I would most likely spend the rest of my life alone but that is starting to seem like a better alternative than the unhappiness I live in now.  Maybe it is no accident that I did not have a single anxiety attack while I was gone from him in Ohio.  I felt very calm there after my initial fear of traveling.  If I do not resolve this i think it will kill me one day.