Am I just trying to avoid the truth?
So as I said before, my bf was emotionally abusive and threatening and exactly 2 weeks ago I told him that I won't do this anymore and that it's over. I felt relieved and scared at the same time.
On the Sat he was nice, on the Sun he was a total nightmare, giving me the silent treatment and I was cowering in the sitting room all day to keep out of his way.
On the Monday/Tuesday (can't remember) he said he didn't want to hurt me anymore and that we should take things one day at the time and that he will prove it to me that he can be non-abusive etc. I wasn't going to hold my breath because he was nice before for a few days (most was 11 days) but then he would be snappy, abusive and shouting at me again. Last week went well but I was very reluctant to relax and let my guard down. Last Saturday after a great day together he took me to dinner and asked me to be his gf again. Before I said OK, I told him in no uncertain terms that I will not be putting up with any abuse, incl. him making me feel uncomfortable, having to walk on eggshells etc. He said that was fair and that he wouldn't want me to.
The week went by in peace and we were getting on well. I still couldn't let my guard down but felt better about us. We talked a lot about how do I know if the change is permanent, etc. and it was all well. I tried not to think about the future and stay in the now, as we don't have a lot of time before he gets transferred back to the States and therefore we have a timeline... He wants me to go with him which I would have done but only if he is not abusive. Yesterday morning he told me that we have to cancel our planned Easter getaway because he hasn't been reimbursed by the Army for a number of trips he had to do recently and he doesn't want us to really have to tighten the belt by the end of the month (we both work but I'm saving for the house I'm buying, and the end of last month was very tight.) I said it wasn't a problem but I asked him how come he is tight financially (as he earns a good living) and he answered but felt that he was defensive and he didn't like me asking. However, he didn't cause a scene.
Later he told me on the phone that he didn't like to deny me anything and I told him that I'm not some spoilt princess who has to have everything. As far as I'm concerned, the discussion was closed.
Last night he got mad and shouted because I was in the car and he called me and it went to my answerphone. He said if my answerphone can pick it up, why can't he get connected to me. I am no expert but worked in the mobile phone industry and told him that's how the technology is. He said that it's stupid and he kept going on and I tried to explain it to him but he just got angry (my phone cut out a few times before this event during our conversation and I suppose he got fed up? But I didn't understand why he shouted at ME!) I didn't make the network! I told him that I won't carry on with the conversation as he was shouting and got abusive and I don't want to listen to it. HE HANG UP THE PHONE ON ME!!!
I was furious but didn't call back and prayed that he will be in bed when I get in. He was. I made him a cup of tea while I was making mine this morning (he makes the tea every morning, but not this time...) and kept out of his way. He didn't apologie or said anything about last night. Then the phone rang and he swore and was angry after he hang up. I didn't ask. He then told me that it was the 'electrician asking to be let in' but he 'told him to go away and come back as he has to go to work'. (our boiler broke a few days ago and the boiler is in the garage. The owen door is also broke and a new safety glass need to be fitted as he kicked the dog's hard plastic basket to it at such force in a temper tantrum on New Year's Day that the door shattered to pieces... Happy NY to me I thought...). So when I asked him why he sent the electrician away, he said he has towork and can't let him in the house while we are away (which I would agree with). I said to him that the electrician is not fitting oven doors and he must have come to fix the boiler, in which case he could have gone in to the garage and do the job even if we are not here. He got mad at me and left. I thought that he clearly didn't understand the situation and got angry when he realised he made a mistake. And - as usual - took it out on me.
I know I'm going on but need to get this out. Please tell me! Am I just trying to avoid the truth (that he is an emotional abuser and will never change) because I'm scared of being alone / never meeting a decent man and at least with him I know what I'm dealing with / never meeting a man who is suitable and ticks most of the boxes, and whereas he is emotionally abusive, if you forget about this 'little matter', he would be (with me doing a bit of compromising) a perfect guy? But you can't just put it aside that he is emotionally abusive, or can you? Would I want to? What if it escalates if we get married, I go to the States with him and give up my job here? If I get pregnant and we have children? Am I right to worry that he will abuse them too? Idon't know. My dad was physically and emotionally abusive to me, but not to my Mum or my Sister. Why is that? What in me attracts these men? When I stood up to my dad when I was 13-14, he stopped being abusive. I stand up to my bf but he is still abusive.
I saw my counsellor on Wed and she was really believing that my bf is changing when I told her about the coping mechanisms he put in place. She thought that this could be permanent and that we are on the right track. But then she never met him... After what I told her before in sessions, she was worried because of the abuse, but when I told her on Wed that I'vetold my bf that I'm not going to take any abuse and if he is abusive, we are over, she said Iwas strong and that she thought I will be able to look after myself and stand up to him if it were to get bad again. She is very good and really helped me a lot so far but as I said, she only knows about him what I tell her.
Am I going to have the strength to split up with him?? Should I? Or is he going to change and I'd be making a mistake? So far the longest stretch he was nice for (apart from the first 2.5 months...) is 11 days...
On the Sat he was nice, on the Sun he was a total nightmare, giving me the silent treatment and I was cowering in the sitting room all day to keep out of his way.
On the Monday/Tuesday (can't remember) he said he didn't want to hurt me anymore and that we should take things one day at the time and that he will prove it to me that he can be non-abusive etc. I wasn't going to hold my breath because he was nice before for a few days (most was 11 days) but then he would be snappy, abusive and shouting at me again. Last week went well but I was very reluctant to relax and let my guard down. Last Saturday after a great day together he took me to dinner and asked me to be his gf again. Before I said OK, I told him in no uncertain terms that I will not be putting up with any abuse, incl. him making me feel uncomfortable, having to walk on eggshells etc. He said that was fair and that he wouldn't want me to.
The week went by in peace and we were getting on well. I still couldn't let my guard down but felt better about us. We talked a lot about how do I know if the change is permanent, etc. and it was all well. I tried not to think about the future and stay in the now, as we don't have a lot of time before he gets transferred back to the States and therefore we have a timeline... He wants me to go with him which I would have done but only if he is not abusive. Yesterday morning he told me that we have to cancel our planned Easter getaway because he hasn't been reimbursed by the Army for a number of trips he had to do recently and he doesn't want us to really have to tighten the belt by the end of the month (we both work but I'm saving for the house I'm buying, and the end of last month was very tight.) I said it wasn't a problem but I asked him how come he is tight financially (as he earns a good living) and he answered but felt that he was defensive and he didn't like me asking. However, he didn't cause a scene.
Later he told me on the phone that he didn't like to deny me anything and I told him that I'm not some spoilt princess who has to have everything. As far as I'm concerned, the discussion was closed.
Last night he got mad and shouted because I was in the car and he called me and it went to my answerphone. He said if my answerphone can pick it up, why can't he get connected to me. I am no expert but worked in the mobile phone industry and told him that's how the technology is. He said that it's stupid and he kept going on and I tried to explain it to him but he just got angry (my phone cut out a few times before this event during our conversation and I suppose he got fed up? But I didn't understand why he shouted at ME!) I didn't make the network! I told him that I won't carry on with the conversation as he was shouting and got abusive and I don't want to listen to it. HE HANG UP THE PHONE ON ME!!!
I was furious but didn't call back and prayed that he will be in bed when I get in. He was. I made him a cup of tea while I was making mine this morning (he makes the tea every morning, but not this time...) and kept out of his way. He didn't apologie or said anything about last night. Then the phone rang and he swore and was angry after he hang up. I didn't ask. He then told me that it was the 'electrician asking to be let in' but he 'told him to go away and come back as he has to go to work'. (our boiler broke a few days ago and the boiler is in the garage. The owen door is also broke and a new safety glass need to be fitted as he kicked the dog's hard plastic basket to it at such force in a temper tantrum on New Year's Day that the door shattered to pieces... Happy NY to me I thought...). So when I asked him why he sent the electrician away, he said he has towork and can't let him in the house while we are away (which I would agree with). I said to him that the electrician is not fitting oven doors and he must have come to fix the boiler, in which case he could have gone in to the garage and do the job even if we are not here. He got mad at me and left. I thought that he clearly didn't understand the situation and got angry when he realised he made a mistake. And - as usual - took it out on me.
I know I'm going on but need to get this out. Please tell me! Am I just trying to avoid the truth (that he is an emotional abuser and will never change) because I'm scared of being alone / never meeting a decent man and at least with him I know what I'm dealing with / never meeting a man who is suitable and ticks most of the boxes, and whereas he is emotionally abusive, if you forget about this 'little matter', he would be (with me doing a bit of compromising) a perfect guy? But you can't just put it aside that he is emotionally abusive, or can you? Would I want to? What if it escalates if we get married, I go to the States with him and give up my job here? If I get pregnant and we have children? Am I right to worry that he will abuse them too? Idon't know. My dad was physically and emotionally abusive to me, but not to my Mum or my Sister. Why is that? What in me attracts these men? When I stood up to my dad when I was 13-14, he stopped being abusive. I stand up to my bf but he is still abusive.
I saw my counsellor on Wed and she was really believing that my bf is changing when I told her about the coping mechanisms he put in place. She thought that this could be permanent and that we are on the right track. But then she never met him... After what I told her before in sessions, she was worried because of the abuse, but when I told her on Wed that I'vetold my bf that I'm not going to take any abuse and if he is abusive, we are over, she said Iwas strong and that she thought I will be able to look after myself and stand up to him if it were to get bad again. She is very good and really helped me a lot so far but as I said, she only knows about him what I tell her.
Am I going to have the strength to split up with him?? Should I? Or is he going to change and I'd be making a mistake? So far the longest stretch he was nice for (apart from the first 2.5 months...) is 11 days...
Replies
No. If he is emotionally abusive, you are going to lose yourself in this relationship, and then you will feel empty and like you have nothing left.
I put up with verbal abuse from my first husband, and swore I\'d never let anyone abuse me again. Now this current stbx, I am realizing, emotionally abused me. It\'s subtle, and it confuses you because you truly believe you are to blame. YOU ARE NOT. Abuse is abuse. I need to figure out why I let these men do this to me. I am sure it\'s because I am empathic by nature, and co-dependent to a degree. I like to give, but it ends up being at the expense of my self- esteem- not good.
He honestly sounds like he has a personality disorder. That wont be fixed until he seeks help. And in the meantime, you are stuck in the same cycle, the same merry-go-round. You can do it, but I honestly believe it will eventually ruin you......
It\'s very hard to leave, and being alone can be tough sometimes, but in my opinion, it\'s tougher being in a relationship that is stunting your growth.
If you leave and grow, you will eventually attract a person that will enable you to continue to grow- in a healthy, mature way.
I know it\'s hard- keep sharing on here. I\'m listening!
Ok hun. Since you asked \"am I just trying to avoid the truth?\" I will give you my honest opinion. First I think the truth is that you have been doing a REALLY GOOD JOB putting your foot down so far with him. I\'ve been reading \'Why does he do that\' as well, and even if your bf wants to change his ways, it will take *years*. Its a lifelong process. He can\'t just promise you to stop and then magically stop. And he may never change. I\'m not surprised that after he asked you back he started behaving badly again.
This is my take, but I think that for him to TRULY change, you would ideally have to leave him for at least a year to show him you really are serious that you will not tolerate his behavior. If you just tell him you won\'t tolerate it and take him back right away, he\'s probably not going to believe you mean it. He has to know he cannot have you back until he has made *permanent* changes to his behavior which take months and years. He needs to show you he has been in individual therapy at least a year, he needs to let you speak to his therapist and get their opinion. As I\'m reading, he needs to change his entitled attitudes that cause his abusive behavior. In short, he needs lots of time and work on himself, and PROOF that he has changed. I honestly believe his behavior will only get worse if you marry him. I know its hard to hear but I\'m telling you this as the honest truth so you can arm yourself with facts and not get hurt in the long run.
Even if you stand up to him, he will still abuse you because nothing you can do can change his abusive personality.
If he truly loves you and wants to change, he will wait for you and he will change.
Overall, I believe he does not deserve you. He does not deserve you until he FIRST becomes TRULY non-abusive. And you deserve to live in an abuse-free environment...not later...but right now. Abuse is never beneficial. It is only weakening you.
You have made so many positive steps and I know you are standing up to him which I commend you for. However, since he\'s still not changing, you may want to consider taking more drastic measures to secure your happiness. You are worth it!!
Sending much love your way xxxxx
Thank you so much girls! I know what you\'re saying is the truth, I can feel it. If he hasn\'t changed in 10 months, why would he now, that is if he is at all capable of it. He says he was never abusive to anyone before, I think (from some of the stories he told me) that the women didn\'t realise it or didn\'t tell him (might have been too scared to). That\'s why I felt that to some degree it must be something about me that\'s causing this / or attracting abusive men.
I know this will be hard. Really hard. I have been fighting for him for months now (to prove everyone incl. me that he can change, that all this wasn\'t a waste of time and I didn\'t make a mistake again...) and clearly I shouldn\'t have bothered. I always focused on his good qualities and got blinded by his promises and his generosity. I feel so scared and worried, what if I never meet a decent man and will never have children?? I so want to have children, but I\'m worried that he\'d still emotionally and verbally abuse me and maybe them too. My counsellor said it sounded that he found some coping strategies and that (since I told her this) he is the perfect guy for me if he can stop being abusive. She said some men turn abusive after years together. She said this to when I asked what if he changes now but gets abusive later? She said it\'s better to love and have lost then never to love, which is true if you are in a relationship with a healthy man and not an abuser.
Vanilla, I think you are right, I suspected that he had a personality disorder, not sure which one though? Yes Goingup, I thought it was interesting that 5 days after we got \'back\' he started to be abusive again... Not very promising!
I know I\'ll have to fight myself really hard to do the right thing and dump him. He just carries on playing mind games. He just sent me an SMS saying \'home now call when you can\' and I thought, it\'s not a nice SMS, after the way he behaved an apology would be the minimum, and I don\'t really gave anything to say to him. I feel let down. But if I don\'t call, most probably he\'ll be nasty whole weekend. Sigh!
Thank you girls, I\'ll need to write more often so I stay strong and do what\'s best for me!
Really appreciate your advice and support!
A xxx