Am I going crazy???
I just feel so messed up and upset.
On Tuesday I was on the phone to BPDX having a decent conversation after his weekend shenanigans as per my last JE.
One of my best friends called on my other phone and I said to BPDX, 'could you hold on for a minute please, JUDIT is calling and we have been playing tag for about 10 days now, I'll be quick.'. I answered the other phone and told her that I'm on the other phone, so gonna have to be quick. She told me in a nutshell how busy she has been and that she was sorry we keep missing each other on the phone. I then hang up and picked up the phone where BPDX was. I was 1 minutes and 36 seconds with JUDIT. He started shouting at me saying that he can't stand it what I just did, why did I answer my other phone or if I wanted to speak with someone else, why didn't I tell him that I'll call him back rather than keep him waiting. I tried to reason with him (what a big mistake and waste of time that is!!) saying I was only 1.5 minutes and JUDIT and me have been trying to reach each other for ages. He was shouting at me and I told him in a firm but calm voice that I won't carry on with this conversation because he was shouting, and said Good Bye.
He didn't call me since, and I didn't call him either. I thought he will think about what he's done and how unreasonable he was and that if he didn't like what I did, he could tell me nicely; there is no need to shout. By yesterday I got to the point that there is totally no point to any of this with him. I asked JUDIT to come over with me on Friday to his to pick up the rest of my stuff, and I'll never contact him again. But today I was thinking that all my stuff that's still with him isn't gonna fit in my car so 2 trips will be needed. I texted him to say I wanted to cone over this weekend to pick up my stuff and when would it be convenient. After ages he texted back that any time from Sun onwards is ok and he'll leave it all in the garage (where half of my furniture got damaged because there was water in there...) So I texted back asking him not to put the Mac and wooden furniture in there as it'll get damaged. He said 'fine'. All his responses were cold and felt condescending, like he is thinking what can he say to hurt me or get a reaction. I would prefer to break up on good terms but just like with exN, it looks like this ain't gonna happen... I went grocery shopping and saw a bottle of JD. BPDX collects JD and I thought he didn't have a bottle I saw and I took a pic and emailed it to him asking if he had it. He emailed back but I couldn't open his email so I called him. He didn't have it and asked me to get it for him and told me he'll give me the money for it tomorrow. He then said something else but reception was poor so I told him I'll call him back in 20 mins when I finished shopping. What a big fat mistake!!!
I was just trying to be friendly. Asked him if he was doing anything tonight he asked why and I said if you fancied, you could come over, help me with my bed (which finally got delivered today but is so heavy that I could barely unwrap the base, and he said last Sat that he'll help me with anything heavy so I don't injure myself) and we could have sone wine and get drunk afterwards. He said 'no thanks' in a really condescending tone. I asked him why he was so condescending, and he said that I DIDN'T call him whole week!! I was like WTF?? I told him that he could have called too, and this is when it got mindfucky. He said that I told him that I will call him before I hang up on Tue!! I didn't day that at all!!
I said to him, all I said is that I won't continue with this conversation because you are shouting at me. Good bye! And then he said that I'm changing what I said when in fact it is him who is changing it, and then accuses me of doing that. It's complete and utter mindfuck and the more I tried to explain to him that I didn't say that, the nastier he got. He basically blamed it all on me; that he had a very lovely week and had a lot of time to think, and that we both need to 'unfuck' ourselves. I'm like, what kind of week do you think I had?? You shout at me on the phone after all the shit you did last Saturday, and then don't contact me at all, and I've done nothing wrong. I just felt like he was really enjoying being nasty to me, saying no to my invite, me trying to be friendly to him, and then twisting my mind saying that I said something I KNOW 100% sure I didn't say! So so frustrated and upset, all I want is have my stuff back and delete all his contact details.
Is it normal that I feel disgusted with myself that I ever had sex with this guy or that I fell for his BS?? I feel stupid, dirty, a complete moron!
The pain is so intense, I just feel like screaming. On the top my manager is bullying me at work; he is just like BPDX, and talks down to me and treats me like I'm a retard. I cried at work on Friday and other people noticed it too how he talks to me. Unfortunately in England they are not as good with workplace bullying as in the US.
Just so upset, got a bottle of wine, gonna drink that and chain-smoke.
On Tuesday I was on the phone to BPDX having a decent conversation after his weekend shenanigans as per my last JE.
One of my best friends called on my other phone and I said to BPDX, 'could you hold on for a minute please, JUDIT is calling and we have been playing tag for about 10 days now, I'll be quick.'. I answered the other phone and told her that I'm on the other phone, so gonna have to be quick. She told me in a nutshell how busy she has been and that she was sorry we keep missing each other on the phone. I then hang up and picked up the phone where BPDX was. I was 1 minutes and 36 seconds with JUDIT. He started shouting at me saying that he can't stand it what I just did, why did I answer my other phone or if I wanted to speak with someone else, why didn't I tell him that I'll call him back rather than keep him waiting. I tried to reason with him (what a big mistake and waste of time that is!!) saying I was only 1.5 minutes and JUDIT and me have been trying to reach each other for ages. He was shouting at me and I told him in a firm but calm voice that I won't carry on with this conversation because he was shouting, and said Good Bye.
He didn't call me since, and I didn't call him either. I thought he will think about what he's done and how unreasonable he was and that if he didn't like what I did, he could tell me nicely; there is no need to shout. By yesterday I got to the point that there is totally no point to any of this with him. I asked JUDIT to come over with me on Friday to his to pick up the rest of my stuff, and I'll never contact him again. But today I was thinking that all my stuff that's still with him isn't gonna fit in my car so 2 trips will be needed. I texted him to say I wanted to cone over this weekend to pick up my stuff and when would it be convenient. After ages he texted back that any time from Sun onwards is ok and he'll leave it all in the garage (where half of my furniture got damaged because there was water in there...) So I texted back asking him not to put the Mac and wooden furniture in there as it'll get damaged. He said 'fine'. All his responses were cold and felt condescending, like he is thinking what can he say to hurt me or get a reaction. I would prefer to break up on good terms but just like with exN, it looks like this ain't gonna happen... I went grocery shopping and saw a bottle of JD. BPDX collects JD and I thought he didn't have a bottle I saw and I took a pic and emailed it to him asking if he had it. He emailed back but I couldn't open his email so I called him. He didn't have it and asked me to get it for him and told me he'll give me the money for it tomorrow. He then said something else but reception was poor so I told him I'll call him back in 20 mins when I finished shopping. What a big fat mistake!!!
I was just trying to be friendly. Asked him if he was doing anything tonight he asked why and I said if you fancied, you could come over, help me with my bed (which finally got delivered today but is so heavy that I could barely unwrap the base, and he said last Sat that he'll help me with anything heavy so I don't injure myself) and we could have sone wine and get drunk afterwards. He said 'no thanks' in a really condescending tone. I asked him why he was so condescending, and he said that I DIDN'T call him whole week!! I was like WTF?? I told him that he could have called too, and this is when it got mindfucky. He said that I told him that I will call him before I hang up on Tue!! I didn't day that at all!!
I said to him, all I said is that I won't continue with this conversation because you are shouting at me. Good bye! And then he said that I'm changing what I said when in fact it is him who is changing it, and then accuses me of doing that. It's complete and utter mindfuck and the more I tried to explain to him that I didn't say that, the nastier he got. He basically blamed it all on me; that he had a very lovely week and had a lot of time to think, and that we both need to 'unfuck' ourselves. I'm like, what kind of week do you think I had?? You shout at me on the phone after all the shit you did last Saturday, and then don't contact me at all, and I've done nothing wrong. I just felt like he was really enjoying being nasty to me, saying no to my invite, me trying to be friendly to him, and then twisting my mind saying that I said something I KNOW 100% sure I didn't say! So so frustrated and upset, all I want is have my stuff back and delete all his contact details.
Is it normal that I feel disgusted with myself that I ever had sex with this guy or that I fell for his BS?? I feel stupid, dirty, a complete moron!
The pain is so intense, I just feel like screaming. On the top my manager is bullying me at work; he is just like BPDX, and talks down to me and treats me like I'm a retard. I cried at work on Friday and other people noticed it too how he talks to me. Unfortunately in England they are not as good with workplace bullying as in the US.
Just so upset, got a bottle of wine, gonna drink that and chain-smoke.
Replies
STOP trying to rationalize the irriational thats what makes us crazy and causes the cognitve diss. Remember he is DISORDERED. They are crazy and they make us crazy, its like talking to a brick wall and you get know where but frustrated. Even now after 10 months of NOT being with him..I will all of a sudden think of an occasion where he was being insane again and I say out loud you have to be fucken kidding me...I still cant believe the shit he said and did. NOTHING ever made sense. NOTHING he did ever went with what he said and nothing he ever said went with what he did. Just let it go....dont analyise anything it just makes you sick. HUGZZZZZZZz
So so true!!
And I was thinking the other night that maybe I\'m the sick one, maybe I have BPD or something else. That I\'m the crazy one! Trying to analyse him or rationalise his behaviour makes me go insane!
I want the pain to go away, don\'t know how to handle it!
Thanks Deb!
A xx
Crazy people make you crazy
But what if I AM the crazy person and I made HIM crazy?? He says he\'s never been aggressive with anyone else before but most of the men in my life are a.holes. What if all this is my fault??? If I am the one who brings t worst out of people??
Aww...don\'t chain smoke not good for you!! I hate reading how much he is messing with your head but the great thing here is you KNOW that he is and I do see in your journals you stand up to him more than before and you doubt yourself far less. He is completely lying just to get a reaction or give himself ammunition for your fight. I thought it was great how you said though on the phone you wouldn\'t tolerate his behavior and wished him goodbye. That is awesome.
I really relate to the feelings you wrote, \"I feel stupid, dirty, a complete moron..\" After all of it, I feel stupid a lot of the time too. That for SO LONG I just blinded myself to the truth, believed what i wanted to believe, or settled for so much less than I\'m worth when I didn\'t *need* to. Sometimes i do still think of him and dream of him. Still. I feel like I still have trouble accepting the truth. All I can say is a lot of it for me was trauma bonding and being in love with who he THOUGHT he was. Maybe its something similar for you? Its NOT an easy thing and we just have to forgive ourselves. Yeah we made a mistake and settled for abuse, but its not a life sentence and even though we made mistakes we are still worthy, good people. Big hugs. You REALLY are doing great, if you look back one day you will see it. x
I thought I was the crazy one, sometimes I still do when I think about everything. But it definitely was him lol. You gotta be out of it to see it. They have this power to make you live in a whole other world.
Thank you goingup, that is so helpful, I really appreciate it!!
You are so right, it was trauma bonding; I totally wasn\'t over exN when I met BPDX, and I was very vulnerable. He is I think a \'rescuer\' type, who liked me when I was vulnerable and needy, but once my divorce came through, I put exN behind me and wasn\'t the vulnerable, needy girl anymore, and he couldn\'t handle the real me. Is that what you mean by trauma bonding? That I was traumatised and that\'s what \'helped\' us to bond? Yes, I totally thought he was actually the opposite of what he really was in many respects. When I first met him, he told me that he has been deployed in Iraq and Afghanistan, and also told me he had cancer and radio therapy (he had the scar on his neck and I asked what it was). So I totally jumped into the conclusion that after all the stuff he\'s been through, he\'ll be really laid back and not be judgemental or bothered about things in life that don\'t matter or you can\'t change/help. OMG, how wrong was I about that!! He was the most anal person I ever met by a clear mile; he would make every non-issue into a problem and his sense of entitlement was something I have never seen before. Looking back, Susy was right, he is totally narcissistic, in an even deeper way than exN (didn\'t think that was possible), he is also definitely either a psychopath or BPD, and he is histrionic. He is the biggest drama queen I have ever met; only my grandmother could compete with him! I also thought that with all the shit he\'s been thru, he\'ll really appreciate the good things in life and will appreciate me.
Again, WRONG!!! I made the same mistake with him as with exN; I believed their words rather than their actions! The two didn\'t match up and I should have given him 2 chances to be fair, and leave when he effs up fir the third time! To be fair (to me for once...) :-) my divorce came through early October 2010. It took me till about late Nov to finally close that chapter. Until then I was so vulnerable and when we argued, I blamed me and the fact that I was stressed from the divorce. Well, really, he blamed me and I believed him! Then we went on hols in Dec and it was fairly good and I said to him on the 7th of Dec, his b.day that I\'m willing to start with a clean slate and won\'t bring up his past nastiness and shouting, if he doesn\'t bring it up or repeats that behaviour again. He was \'grateful\' for the opportunity and took him a whole 3 days to break his promise and shout at me. Christmas and NY was mostly a disaster with about 2-3 nice days out of the entire festive season. On NY\'s day he kicked the dog\'s basket so hard that it broke the safety glass on the oven, and there was glass everywhere. The reason? Because the night before I got drunk (well it was New Years Eve) and we had sex and afterwards apparently I said to him \'you are the best lover ever and I had many lovers\'. Second bit true unfortunately, came with the low self-esteem, first bit not even true, but I was always nice and patient with him and that\'s the only lie I ever told him. I just wanted to make him feel good. Anyway, I don\'t even remember saying this and surely that sounds like a compliment, but he went beserk next day about it and totally ruined it again. We had 11 nice consecutive days in Jan later in the month, going into the first week if Feb; we went to Hungary for my Dad\'s birthday and also I missed a period and he thought I was preg. The spell broke when my period came. The rest if Feb was a disaster and I started to look at houses towards the end if Feb. Found my house mid-March, put an offer in on the 18th and moved out 2 weeks ago. He has been an absolute dickhead in the last two weeks and after what he did yesterday (I\'ll write about that later in a JE) I have now deleted all his contact details and will NEVER communicate with him in any way shape or form
My lesson: I have to watch their actions and NOT pay attention to what they say! Not to make assumptions but see the reality! Not to give them qualities I think they *should* have, but observe what they are really like!! Not to live in a dream world but in reality!
Feeling so rubbish right now; could only sleep for 4 hrs, kept tossing and turning and my mind was racing, tried to meditate but couldn\'t. My friend says he makes up these lies about me saying stuff I know I didn\'t, not just to mess with my head but because this way he doesn\'t have to apologise for fucking up and he can blame me! How fuckin convenient! Absolute dickhead, never wanna hear from him ever again!!! Just want to work through this and be happy! :-(