Am I Agoraphobic or just lazy???
Okay, so I have been homebound for several months now. I don't wat to go out. I really, really just don't want to. I have developed a fear of driving, of being out in public alone. I wonder if I am just lazy...not wanting to get dressed, it takes quite an effort to get myself presentable.
Another thing...I haven't been to Cassi's grave in a long time. I haven't been in her room in a very long time. I don't even go in the spare bedroom which is still filled with boxes of her movies and books. I feel like a coward, like I can't deal with the severe grief, so I put it out of my mind...hang out with my dogs, watch movies, devour books by the dozens...anything I can do from the safety of my home and with my mind occupied.
Our retreat is coming up...my husband will drive me if need be, but I know there will be no avoiding the emotions I have been hiding from. I am scared, but also feel guilty that I have been so strenuously avoiding it for so long.
Does anyone recognize any of this???
Another thing...I haven't been to Cassi's grave in a long time. I haven't been in her room in a very long time. I don't even go in the spare bedroom which is still filled with boxes of her movies and books. I feel like a coward, like I can't deal with the severe grief, so I put it out of my mind...hang out with my dogs, watch movies, devour books by the dozens...anything I can do from the safety of my home and with my mind occupied.
Our retreat is coming up...my husband will drive me if need be, but I know there will be no avoiding the emotions I have been hiding from. I am scared, but also feel guilty that I have been so strenuously avoiding it for so long.
Does anyone recognize any of this???
Replies
(((hugs)))
No words of wisdom....just a lot of LOVE~
We can all relate. I think the breaking back into the world has a different door for each of us and there is no telling what your door will be. The retreat will help a lot I\'m sure.
Sending tight hugs.
Dearest Gina, I can also fully relate to all of this. For me it has been 2 years now, and I am still locked up in my own, invisible world of nothingness! Remember to take good care of yourself, my friend!
Warm hugs! xxx
Dear One,
You describe my early days of grief. I stayed on the computer all day, bouncing from FB, DS, online games, computer games--rarely watched TV, only because I could not focus for very long...I did read--I sorted, sorted the sorted and then resorted piles of pictures, bills, paperwork...whatever....House work? Was I supposed to clean? Bathe? Dress? Shop? I smile now when I write this, but it did not even occur to me to do it. I was a list maker--if I wrote it down, it was done. It took me almost a year to even remember to make a list...I still have that problem.
Yes, grief is like that. Your sisters of the heart have all given you wonderful advice and sent heartfelt messages...
Try to do a little at a time, sometimes you have to force it...talking to people was exhausting...even casual conversations were difficult.
What made the first retreat special to me was how I could sit next to another mom and not have to explain how I felt or what it was like to lose a child--all of that was understood on a soulful level...we had a connection like no other...and I could just talk about anything, nothing and even my child...no one wanted to wiggle away, or end a conversation prematurely...they patiently waited while I found the words, or wiped tears...they were not afraid of my grief, pain, ramblings or even rants if I chose to do them.(I didn\'t, but I feel sure that they would not have flinched).
I had to use many tools...medication, time off work, counseling, FMO, reading self-help books, my religion, resting, naps, doctors, massage, pedicures, movies/tv, reading for pleasure, listening to relaxing music, visiting friends or not, my pets, walking, diet, crafts,--even some diversions that were not productive, but took up time: computer games, online games, puzzles, gambling & working too much almost obsessively...all of th later were not very healthy for me...as I was willing to become less isolated, things started ever so slowly to lift for me...still in the dark, but it looked like I could see light on some days...then more light than dark...still have dark, but much less.But one thing for sure I could not have done it without the support of my Sisters of the Heart.
I will be happy to pick you up for the retreat, if you like...let me know.
Gentle care & see you soon,
AnnM
PSS: still need to finish the gift baskets--are you free this weekend to do some shopping with me in Panama City for a couple of hours? I can meet you or come and get you? let me know--I will send you my number in private message in case you no longer have it.
Gina - I am so glad you are going to the retreat. There is \"no place like home\" and you will find that YOU will feel \"at home\" with moms who get it. I had to return to work soon after Jennifer left this earth and I don\'t know if that helps or hinders my journey....I can tell you there are some days I just stare @ my computer and only handle what I need to....There are days I just walk away from conversations because I can\'t relate anymore or the things others are saying seem frivilous to me......
To be at home is comforting, safe----I am praying you find comfort and peace and most of all feel love @ the retreat. One year, I\'ll get there, too!
(((((hugs)))) Vicki
I recognise all of it!! It has been four years for me. My friends and I go places, but I really don\'t want to. I have to make myself do anything that I do. i want to hide out in my house and do so, most of the time.
I will not be at the retreat this year. I have just returned from a visit to Eureka Springs with two friends. It was very hard for me, as I was totally out of my comfort zone. I find myself bitchy and irritated most of the time. Hopefully things will get better soon. Just know that you are not alone in your feelings. We all have to grieve, the best way we can...
((((HUGS)))), Julia
Such good responses from these lovely moms. I too had to go through the motions and go to work and take care of younger children. I think we all handle things the way that suits us. I think you will find the retreat healing and given more time I think you will want to participate in life a little bit more. It takes a long time and small steps are at least moving forward. Love to you. Robin