Am I Agoraphobic or just lazy???
Okay, so I have been homebound for several months now. I don't wat to go out. I really, really just don't want to. I have developed a fear of driving, of being out in public alone. I wonder if I am just lazy...not wanting to get dressed, it takes quite an effort to get myself presentable.
Another thing...I haven't been to Cassi's grave in a long time. I haven't been in her room in a very long time. I don't even go in the spare bedroom which is still filled with boxes of her movies and books. I feel like a coward, like I can't deal with the severe grief, so I put it out of my mind...hang out with my dogs, watch movies, devour books by the dozens...anything I can do from the safety of my home and with my mind occupied.
Our retreat is coming up...my husband will drive me if need be, but I know there will be no avoiding the emotions I have been hiding from. I am scared, but also feel guilty that I have been so strenuously avoiding it for so long.
Does anyone recognize any of this???
Another thing...I haven't been to Cassi's grave in a long time. I haven't been in her room in a very long time. I don't even go in the spare bedroom which is still filled with boxes of her movies and books. I feel like a coward, like I can't deal with the severe grief, so I put it out of my mind...hang out with my dogs, watch movies, devour books by the dozens...anything I can do from the safety of my home and with my mind occupied.
Our retreat is coming up...my husband will drive me if need be, but I know there will be no avoiding the emotions I have been hiding from. I am scared, but also feel guilty that I have been so strenuously avoiding it for so long.
Does anyone recognize any of this???
Replies
Sometimes we feel too vulnerable to go outside. Too much energy needed just to dress. Lately, I\'ve been using kaftans in the heat. Just throw them over my nightgown and go. But there are still days when I don\'t go out at all. I know how you feel, and 2 years is still very, very recent. I\'m 5 1/2 years down the road, feeling stronger, doing more some weeks, other times, still need to cocoon. We are all doing the best that we can and we cannot and should not be rushed. Love, Abby
Oh Gina, I totally recognize all of it. You are not lazy. You are grieving. And you are protecting your broken heart from further heartache by shying away from painful triggers. Solace and distraction are coping mechanisms to retain some semblance of \"normalcy\".
I had to return to work full-time a few months after my son passed. Although I managed to dress and drive to work, I sat at my desk and mostly just stared at my computer screen while trying to accomplish some task or other. I refused to lunch with anyone and just went straight home after my 8 hour shift, put on my pjs and vegetated in front of the tv.
I didn\'t go out. I just couldn\'t handle any form of contact with the \"outsiders\" unless when absolutely necessary. I was tired of the mask and forced smiles. That\'s how it basically was my first couple of years.
I think we just \"evolve\" as the years go by. It\'s a learning of how to adjust and live with our new life. It is a new life without our child that has passed on to the next.
The heartache which was so painfully raw and ever present becomes softer (for lack of a better word). It never fully goes away but it transfuses into our being as we become more accepting and open to begin to experience joy in life again.
I know this probably sounds foreign to you at this time. It did to me too. I couldn\'t see joy happening in my life again. But it does and it will.
So Gina, there is nothing to feel guilty about avoiding emotions. It\'s a self-preservation instinct. There are no words to really describe the intense emotional pain of losing a child. It just hurts like hell.
I look forward to meeting you at the retreat, and I pray that the retreat brings you feelings of comfort, security and peace on your road to healing.
With love and tight hugs,
Diane
Oh dear, Gina! I just don\'t know! I never had to deal with that. Out of necessity, as a single person, I had no choice but to return to work within 2 weeks of my son\'s death. It was rough, no lying about that! I was like a zombie for 2 years. I know that you will gain much from retreat! This will be my first time missing it since 2009, but finances are too hard, grandchild is coming soon, and I suffered a broken shoulder in June and have not worked since. I know you have heard it before, but this does get gentler over the years. Hugs and XOXO Belinda
I don\'t think you\'re lazy. I think you\'re hurt to the core of your being. I think perhaps you\'re angry too. I was. I ended up losing my job and after various problems compounding my misery I locked myself in my house and waited to die. I think I was getting pretty close. I could hardly walk from the front of the house to the back... I\'m still hurting... I\'m still mad... It does make a difference having a surviving child or children, grandchildren, etc... I kind of have resented people saying that but I guess I\'m understanding it better as I put my place in your shoes and the other moms too who lost their only child... I hope you\'ll forgive me for ever resenting that... I hate to admit it... but I think this hurt leaves us so mad at the world... sometimes its easier to take offence than not... Gina I am going to pray that you will find strength and comfort and that you will escape the cell you have locked yourself in... I totally understand that you might be feeling like I was... that you just wanted to lock yourself away, not ask anyone for anything... and try to bury yourself in a place where you could avoid feeling very much of anything at all. I hate it for you... I can only pray you will find a purpose that will help you find the will to try again. Hugs Elissa
Dear Gina I don\'t want to leave my house. O feel depressedressed I have gained 40lbs mu Rottweiler Heidi is dying from cance my marriage is over I never want to go any where I miss my daughter was my life. Now nothing
So staying in the house I don t know what it is . O don.t. care aboit any thing bless your angel love
Maybe we feel safe in the house my faughter
Gina I understand this feeling you are having but I truly believe that you have to push yourself forward. Making a just a short and small goal each day will help you. While putting yourself out in the world is hard, living at home will only compound your heartache. I hope you can see the light and be able to get out for yourself. Sending you vibes of peace, Kathy
I still have the overwhelming desire to just hunker down. I have to force myself to do things. The retreat is one of those things I signed up for, hoping to pull my head out of me butt. I have some friends from school that have started calling and coming by to get me out of my house and it is starting to feel good
once I am out. It will be good for us, I think, to be around people that have survived this. People that get us, so that we won\'t feel so alone in our grief.
Another wake up call for me was, upon a year late visit with my Doctor, an A1C of 12. I had put on weight and was just sitting on the couch watching anything to fill my mind. My sugars had risen to an average of 326 ...it got me moving.
I am so excited to meet you face to face, and share whatever you need to share.
Gina,
It\'s still hard for me to be around moms who\'ve never had this tragedy shatter their lives. They go around normally all the time enjoying their children & families. We\'re doing good to put one foot in front of the other.
It will be 2 years for me in Jan. & I\'d kinda like this to \'soften\'. I just don\'t know, though, if it will. I\'m hoping the retreat will help all of us. Will see you there soon...
Thinking of you & Cassi,
Hugs,
Donna
Dearest Gina. You are in the midst of the pure, gut wrenching grief. You are not lazy, or a coward, and you need not feel guilty. At the retreat, you will be surrounded by people who love you and totally get it. It is okay if your husband has to drive you. Just be sure to come, no matter how hard it is!!
I know you have heard it all before. We all grieve in our own way, in our own time. I went to work shortly after Lisa died. I had to because I just could not face my new reality. For 8 hours a day, I was forced to think of other things. I was avoiding the inevitable pain. When I got home I did crossword puzzles to focus on something else. But I did have to face the pain, to go into the depths. I still visit there at times. I have quit driving. My nerves can\'t handle it. I still cry a wee bit every day. But overall life is good now.
Again, please don\'t feel guilty. You are not a coward. You are a grieving mom who is doing the best she can.
I too can\'t wait to give you a real Canadian granny hug.
Love and tight hugs, Marlene
((((Hugs))))
As your other sisters have said you are neither one... This is what grief looks and feels like dear Gina and you are doing what feels safe for you for today. Tomorrow it might look different, yet today it is what you describe.
For me, I need to walk and get out into nature and in the beginning just walking to my mailbox was as far as I could go, yet I made myself do it daily. I think more than anything I was afraid of a neighbor looking at me, feeling sorry for me and the worst yet, having to engage in a conversation.
When you feel the nudge do what you can and feel triumphant in all of it. Baby steps are what you are taking, yet you must learn to crawl before you can walk and this might just be a time of crawling that has been sorely needed for you. It looks and feels so vastly different for each of us, I know.
You will feel surrounded in the most intense loving, light and warmth by the women you meet at the retreat. For once, no explanations needed, you will recognize yourself in their eyes because it is the reflection that you see when you gaze at your reflection and you will also feel hope... This is my wish for you and oh, those (((hugs)))! Lean into all of it and allow your heart to open as wide as it can to receive...
Loving care dear Gina and I\'ve been thinking about you,
XO Joanie
I think going to the retreat will help you. We all get emotional we cry and we hug and we laugh. I do believe if you feel safe around all of us, then you should come let your emotions come to the surface and explode. Let this be a healing experience.
I do hope this helps you
Tight Hugs Penny
I\'m in the 7th year of the loss of my sons. Oh...so many different phases. Perhaps it was because I lost both of my sons just one month apart & was in shock, but I was in the numb phase for nearly 5 years. Pretty much numb & paralyzed. Knew my house needed cleaned, laundry needed done & dinner needed cooked, but I could not do them. I would just sit on the couch zoned out in a TV show or with a game on my I pad. Didn\'t realize it at the time, but I truly believe my body was doing what it needed to in order to deal with the trauma in my life.
Slowly........ I learned to feel again, little by little. Coming here to FMO 5 years into my journey, was a safe place where I could relate to others & they understood my pain. Also finding a very good grief therapist that I trusted, was so helpful.
The caring moms here have come to understand how gentle self care & being patient with ourself is so important. Gina we walk with you on this journey, our arms tightly holding you. Many hugs of compassion dear sister of the heart.
Vicki. (Jeremy & Chad\'s mom)
I know I only went to 1 Retreat so far and I was so nervous to go I had a back up plan to leave if need be .....BUT I stayed and boy I am glad I did! Please take care of yourself and we will see each other soon! xxoo Gretcho
I too sat on the couch with my head in my \"turtle shell\" for a little more than 5 years. My best friends were here in at FMO, they were the only ones who understood me. I ignored the housework and I too spent time on my ipad and watching TV. Those years were sheer hell, although honestly I didn\'t know how \"out of it\" I was until recently. I rarely went anywhere, rarely got dressed. I can understand how it is difficult for you to drive and difficult to face the retreat. I recognize a lot of what you are feeling! For some reason in January I started feeling better, started eating well, started exercising, started the long overdue cleansing and purging of the house and started getting out on a regular basis. Reading your journal and these responses has been very healing for me and helped me to understand. Grief indeed takes on many faces and we each need to do what we can to promote our healing. The moms here are correct, it does get better eventually. I too send prayers, love and compassion your way. Leda