Always more confusion
He totally threw me for a loop last night. Was not expecting that when I got home. I had given it some thought and mostly decided to pass on the horse for right now. Seems I just keep adding complications that I don't need right now. After I got home from class, we started talking about house issues...He said he needs to go under the house and wanted to make sure I would be home this weekend. I'm thinking where else would I be? So I said of course I will be home. He says well I didn't know if you would be down playing with your new horse or not.
I said well I pretty much decided not to get her. He said why not? I said, well we can't really afford it. I expected that to be the end of it..after all...if I am not here then I am out of his control.
He said I think we need to make a way to afford it. I think you should get her...it will be good for you. I just kind of stared at him in shock. He said we can put aside some of the tax return money just for that purpose. I was thinking that tax return would not even put a dent in what we already owe..well what he owes anyway...my debt is almost gone. I just kept staring still.
I looked at the beer on the cabinet and wondered how many he'd already had. No way of telling until he starts to slur.
Then he said..all I ask is that you tell me what days you think you are going to be down there. (I'm still just staring) I said I have no idea what I would do since I had already decided against it.
He said..he could do some work for her to offset my board and also get her some better pasture seed from work for the coming year. I just got really quiet..I had no idea what to say..and the weird part was I felt kind of sick about it.
No matter how much I want to ride again...I just kept thinking that if I do this I will never escape...there was no hug or kiss during this conversation...not even a touch of the hand. we ate dinner, cleaned up and as usual he was out on the couch by 830. My head was still spinning. I could not help but feel that he knows I am getting stronger and ready to leave and he's searching for something to tie me to him some more.
And if it is possible to have feelings for someone you have only met online then I am experiencing that right now. We are just friends...we don't cross that line..I'm pretty sure we are so different in some aspects that something real would not be possible...but just the thought of it makes me wonder if it is. Maybe I was supposed to feel this way to give me that extra push to go? I have no idea.. I'm just running off the map now LOL
I said well I pretty much decided not to get her. He said why not? I said, well we can't really afford it. I expected that to be the end of it..after all...if I am not here then I am out of his control.
He said I think we need to make a way to afford it. I think you should get her...it will be good for you. I just kind of stared at him in shock. He said we can put aside some of the tax return money just for that purpose. I was thinking that tax return would not even put a dent in what we already owe..well what he owes anyway...my debt is almost gone. I just kept staring still.
I looked at the beer on the cabinet and wondered how many he'd already had. No way of telling until he starts to slur.
Then he said..all I ask is that you tell me what days you think you are going to be down there. (I'm still just staring) I said I have no idea what I would do since I had already decided against it.
He said..he could do some work for her to offset my board and also get her some better pasture seed from work for the coming year. I just got really quiet..I had no idea what to say..and the weird part was I felt kind of sick about it.
No matter how much I want to ride again...I just kept thinking that if I do this I will never escape...there was no hug or kiss during this conversation...not even a touch of the hand. we ate dinner, cleaned up and as usual he was out on the couch by 830. My head was still spinning. I could not help but feel that he knows I am getting stronger and ready to leave and he's searching for something to tie me to him some more.
And if it is possible to have feelings for someone you have only met online then I am experiencing that right now. We are just friends...we don't cross that line..I'm pretty sure we are so different in some aspects that something real would not be possible...but just the thought of it makes me wonder if it is. Maybe I was supposed to feel this way to give me that extra push to go? I have no idea.. I'm just running off the map now LOL
Replies
You are finding your way. Give it the time it needs to become clear to you. Keep with your wisdom of no horse for now. You have a lot of very good insight and it will show you along with way what to do.
Good about getting rid of debt. I have never had any and it terrifies me, especially now that I am so ill.
Stay true to yourself and you can never go wrong.
((hugs))
:-) Patricia
I think your right, sadly, it sounds more like a trap to keep you there than anything else. I think a part of you knew this and that was why you had the sick feeling. It grieves me that something that should of been a nice loving gesture is not. Congrats on seeing through this. Eric