Almost Baker Act'd Tonight
The grief and shame of my PTSD have been getting the better of me. The more I explore my PTSD the deeper my hole that I find myself in. I seem to never be able to get out of this hole. The conflict of what I know and what happened is driving this. I am cutting again. Using boiling water to cause burns that relieve some of this pain. I had one of my twice-weekly therapist meetings today. I confessed all to her. She said I was asking to be hospitalized and if I wanted to be today. I said that I wanted to but I had too many meetings and others that depend on me to just drop out of society for a week or two. I do not have the time to really take care of myself. I am so messed up with everything. I should be hospitalized but I can't go.
Replies
Thor, sorry you are having a bad time. Your health is more important than your commitments. Please try to work it out so you can get the care you need. Try to think of happy times. I know you journal. Sometimes when I can’t write, I record my emotions. Try what they call surfing the wave. You wait out your decision to self harm even though the urge is strong and you give it some time and hopefully the thought will diminish and you will not feel the need. Remember that you have your wife to support you. If you fall off the surf board and can’t resist the urge try using a red felt pen or rubber knife with fake blood or an ice cube, It’s hard to stop once you start. Please do not start. Talk it out, post, or call the hotline at; 1-800-273-8255. We’re here to support you, Thor. Hugs.
Sending much support your way. I’m sorry you are feeling intensities right now and that you are hurting. I know many depend on you but if you feel in need of a very important health break then please do so. Sending lots of encouragement your way. Keep reaching out - your therapist, your wife, your support peers.
I have been in your shoes many times and I ask you to consider you health above your obligations!
Oh Sorry to hear this Thor. Take care sir.
Morning. At least now I can stand in the sunlight and bathe in it. I developed a strong desire to stand in sunlight each day and sort of recharge. At one of my psych hospitals, I was allowed 2 fifteen min periods in the courtyard. I looked forward to that each day. I guess I still do.
Despair, last night was despair. The shame and guilt are too much right now. I am cutting relieve the pressure. I feel better in the sunlight of a new day. Maybe I should have went in yesterday. Things are feeling better. Maybe I will go in later today. I have another meeting with my TDoc this afternoon. I hope we can work out something. I hope she can help me.
Big hug for you Thor.... I am so sorry you're feeling so badly sweetie.... I agree with what May wrote..... If you had a heart attack you'd be taking care of it and this can be just as serious
I know that what happened to you isn't fair....Sadly unfair things happen all the time and those who cause them especially in government almost never take responsibility....
I think if you can wrap your head around that it ? can make a difference
The organization where I volunteered at that dealt with wrongful conviction had Rubin Hurricane Carter as the executive director .... These things happen far to often sadly
I would go into the hospital if I were you.... The fastest I have improved when in a really bad place was in the hospital......... Gentle hug.....xo
Good that sunlight helps.
Hope you find the sunlight within to help you heal.
I am here.........in fact with the amount of responses I sent you this morning.....you are probably sick of me.
I understand obligations. You need to do what is best for you. Taking action and coping without self harm.
There are so many other options. Use them.
Hugs and hoping you can heal!!! Peace and love to you!!!
I should be more in the sunlight too.
Thor, glad that the sun helped you. Thinking of you today.
Well, I had two therapist appts this week. The work we have done in session has brought my truth of the events that occurred. I looked long and hard at those events and what actually occurred. The truth is that I did nothing criminal, immoral, or unethical. But this truth conflicts with the results of this event. This is the conflict that I am in. And I think there is a bit of Stockholm Syndrome in that I love the Navy but hate myself because of what happened. Lastly, I am very disconnected from my feelings about this. I have not been able to get angry at anyone outside of myself. This I see is misplaced but I can't make that leap. Again a conflict, I should feel innocent but I feel intensely guilty and shamed by this. I need to find relief from this and that was burning myself. I got some immediate relief and the burn continues to hurt longer than a cut. I will see how the weekend goes.
Keep writing it out! You're on the right track to helping yourself mend the bridge to finding the peace within.
Release and relief ... you're not alone on this.
No reason to feel guilt Thor. Your love for the Navy is not bad. It’s too bad that those individuals in the Navy caused you harm. I hope you are able to find peace. sending support and hugs.