Afraid, of so much.

I miscarried at 10 weeks two and a half weeks ago. This is the week we would have announced our pregnancy if it survived. 

My husband wanted to be intimate last night, and while I liked the feel of his touch on my upper body and back, as soon as his hand touched my stomach, hips, or legs, I seized. He's always been so respectful of my boundaries, I just didn't expect post-miscarriage to be so sexually closed off. I can feel myself wanting to cry when he touches me. Writing this I'm tearing up. I feel so empty. Does anyone else feel like this? 

I'm not afriad to get pregnant again... We needed fertility medication, so I'm fairly confident we won't have success without it again. 

I'm finding I want to slip back into old comfort. I want to disclose to old friends whom I barely speak with, exes who I have good relationships with but don't talk to, and substances. Narcotics. I was addicted to them early in 2020, so to take them a year later was horrifying and terrifying. Now I want them. And I want to talk to Harley. I hate him so much, I hate what he did to me, how he treated me. I want to never think of him again - yet I want the comfort I felt with him. That comfort was drugs - not him. It was the narcotics, muscle relaxants and the weed that he probably laced... I want THAT feeling. That absolute care free, run with the wind feeling. I want to escape. That's a terrifying realization. I think I need to attend therapy.