Addiction

It's been a long time since I've battled with the feeling of addiction. I used to fight with alcohol, had to cut it out of my life numerous times as I couldn't stop. Now it's happening with codeine. I only took it when the pain was severe, unfortunately that was the case for almost 2 full months. I gradually reduced how much I was taking, limited it to just at night, then not at all... Then I couldn't sleep. No pain, but no sleep. I'm finding myself thinking about it, wanting it. I suddenly feel the urge to take a pill, but the pain is no where near severe enough for it. It's not even severe enough to warrant over-the-counter medication. My body is past the physical dependency, it's now psychological. I just want it.

I keep thinking back to those two months, I was high 24/7, my husband was expressing concern because he felt I was "changing" and he didn't understand. What he saw was me becoming an addict. He never knew me when I struggled with alcohol, he doesn't know that version of me. Now that I'm wanting pills, my brain is wanting alcohol too. My brain wants to feel altered again, to feel that constant state of euphoria. I keep thinking about drinking and taking pills. 

Underlying issues... 1. Trying to buy a house and we're constantly let down. Find one we love, there's something wrong with it. 2. Trying to get pregnant, tests are always negative. I haven't had my period in months, I'm not even sure if I'm ovulating (going to buy tests to check). 3. I'm still recovering from an SI joint (hip/back) injury that has me restricted to lifting 10lbs. 10. Fucking. Pounds. I was deadlifting 80, but that's cool, I'll do 10 with difficulty. Clearly I'm full of anger, that's not a surprise really. I should go back to therapy. I should go back before I find myself needing to be medicated again. Should. Should. Should. We'll see. 

I just want to drink vodka and pop pills. That's where I'm at. Vodka and pills. Addiction returns.