addendum to drinking pitstop reflections
Also, for a long time now I have been meditating on all the reasons I don’t like alcohol and don’t want it in my life. I enumerate the reasons over and over to myself about how the allure of alcohol is an illusion and its effects actually suck. For years now I’ve been focusing on that, and most recently I’ve been understanding it on a deep, existential level. Because I understand this, I just am not that interested or enthused about alcohol anymore. I don’t get those random interruptions of super obsessive thoughts about alcohol (like I’m not white knuckling it ever really in these past months of sobriety). I kinda killed all my impulses for it.
.....So, when I drank the other night, having cultivated this attitude toward drinking and really been living it, I just wasn’t that excited about it (I mean, I was, but I wasn’t). I tried to enjoy the giddiness it offered, but I also was super cautious and also super critical of the buzz it gave me. It’s an ok buzz, but rather lackluster and a little bit creepy since I know the danger it can invite (injuries, losing shit, ruining situations by being crazy, the law, embarrassment, weird sex shit hahaha anyway…..) . i'm just rambling.....I’m really digging this unattachment I’ve seem to have found…
....and also during the course of every sober day i am overcome with gratitude, thankful that I am sober in this moment and relishing how relaxing and empowering that feels. So I think that feeling is really starting to *feel* a lot better than lapsing into drinking. but, you know, i would be a liar if i didn't say that i'm changing myself, my life, my experiences, my goals too. life is getting better, and i don't need to escape it as much. and since i like my life a lot these days maybe i can use alcohol the way it supposed to be used....as an infrequent enhancement of life, to be enjoyed in low doses.
( for the past decade i've used it at extremely high doses as a way to cope with reality and boredom; trying to get into a different head space in order to make my reality more appealing....alcohol is not really a good option to help with this things, it turns out)
.....So, when I drank the other night, having cultivated this attitude toward drinking and really been living it, I just wasn’t that excited about it (I mean, I was, but I wasn’t). I tried to enjoy the giddiness it offered, but I also was super cautious and also super critical of the buzz it gave me. It’s an ok buzz, but rather lackluster and a little bit creepy since I know the danger it can invite (injuries, losing shit, ruining situations by being crazy, the law, embarrassment, weird sex shit hahaha anyway…..) . i'm just rambling.....I’m really digging this unattachment I’ve seem to have found…
....and also during the course of every sober day i am overcome with gratitude, thankful that I am sober in this moment and relishing how relaxing and empowering that feels. So I think that feeling is really starting to *feel* a lot better than lapsing into drinking. but, you know, i would be a liar if i didn't say that i'm changing myself, my life, my experiences, my goals too. life is getting better, and i don't need to escape it as much. and since i like my life a lot these days maybe i can use alcohol the way it supposed to be used....as an infrequent enhancement of life, to be enjoyed in low doses.
( for the past decade i've used it at extremely high doses as a way to cope with reality and boredom; trying to get into a different head space in order to make my reality more appealing....alcohol is not really a good option to help with this things, it turns out)
Replies
If you are lucky, you can get away with low doses. Unfortunately for me, the compulsion was hard wired in the brain. I was off to the races, after having one drink, after 24 years of sobriety. Others do fine having one drink.
Love this journal. It is so true. I noticed when I have had a night of drinking, for example, after a two month stint, I have wanted to drink again after a few days. It brought back all of the cravings and obsession. I never really understood how that could be. I just know that I have to try to remain completely sober somehow. I just cannot have one or two even or I will be obsessing. Hope all is well, my friend. I haven\'t been on here very much. Huggles.