accepting jackie's death

ITS BEEN A WHILE MY DEAR SISTERS SINCE I WROTE.  MY LAPTOP CRASHED AND MY BEDROOM COMPUTER WAS SO SLOW I HAD NO PATENCE.   I SEE A THERAPIST NOW AND INCREASED MY MEDS BY A HALF IN THE AFTERNOON.   I HAD MY NIECES WEDDING ON OCTOBER 19TH AND I DID GET THROUGH IT BETTER THAN I THOUGHT I WOULD.   THEN I HAD MY NEPHEWS WEDDING IN WASHINGTON.  JACKIE AND MICHAEL WERE VERY CLOSE.  EVERYTHING WAS SO HARD FOR ME.  I CONSTANTLY FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO ACT.  I ALWAYS FEEL THAT I DON'T WANT TO MAKE ANYONE FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE IF I TALK ABOUT JACKIE.  I AM TIRED OF DOING THAT.  I PUSH MYSELF SO HARD EVERY DAY TO KEEP BUSY SO I DON'T THINK.   MY THERAPIST IS REALLY NICE AND SHE TOLD ME NOT TO PUSH SO HARD.  IF I NEED A DAY TO STAY IN BED AND JUST CRY TO DO IT.   BUT IM AFRAID THAT IT WILL JUST BE TOO EASY FOR ME TO STAY THAT WAY.    SOMETIMES I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF.   AT NIGHT SOMETIMES I WANT TO GET IN THE CAR AND DRIVE TO THE CEMETERY JUST SO I CAN BE CLOSER TO HER.  IF I FORGET FOR A WHILE, SHE WILL JUST POP INTO MY HEAD AND I GET THAT SICK FEELING BECAUSE IT HITS ME AGAIN THAT SHE'S NOT HERE. 
WHEN SHE FIRST DIED I USED TO GO OVER THAT NIGHT IN MY HEAD EVERY DAY. LIKE I WAS WATCHING A MOVIE.  FOR THE LAST 2 YEARS I JUST THOUGH OF MY 30 YEAR OLD DYING.  THEN I WAS WATCHING T.V. AND THERE WAS A COMMERCIAL ON WITH A FATHER WALKING A LITTLE GIRL TO THE BUS AND I VISIUALIZED JACKIE WHEN SHE WAS LITTLE AND ALL THOSE MEMORIES CAME FLOWING BACK.  MY LITTLE GIRL.  SHE DIED.  IT WAS ALL SO INICENT THEN.  WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT HER LIFE WOULD TAKE SUCH A HORRIBLE TURN AND BY 3O SHE WOULD BE WITH ME NO  LONGER.   THIS LOSS THAT WE HAVE IS SO PAINFUL AND NOT NORMAL.  SO HOW DO WE COPE.  SOMETIMES I DON'T WANT TO GET BETTER, NOT BECAUSE I FEEL GUILTY IF I LAUGH OR HAVE SOME FUN, BUT BECAUSE IT SHOUDN'T BE THIS WAY AND NOTHING IS WORSE THAN BURYING A CHILD SO WHY SHOULD I STOP MORNING HER OR GRIEVING OVER HER.  SHE WAS MY LIFE, MY BEST FRIEND AND I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT SHE DID.   MY THERAPIST UNDERSTANDS WHY JACKIE TOOK HER LIFE AND SHE TRIES TO MAKE ME UNDERSTAND.  LIVING WITH PHYSICAL PAIN AS LONG AS SHE DID AND THE DOCTORS COULDN'T HELP HER DROVE HER INTO A DEPRESSION AND ULTIMATELY SHE MADE A DECISION NOT TO LIVE WITH THAT PAIN ANYMORE.  YES I AM BETTER THAN I WAS, BUT I DON'T THINK MY NIGHTS WILL EVER CHANGE.  LYING IN BED, THINKING OF HER, TALKING TO HER.  BEGGING HER TO COME TO  ME.  AND SHE HAS., BUT TTHAT JUST LEAVES ME WANTING MORE.  I KNOW THAT I AM RAMBLING ON AND ON BUT ITS ONE OF THE NIGHTS.    LOVE YOU ALL GAIL