Abusive friendship

I conceptually understood abusive relationships. People stay in abusive relationships because they're manipulated, made to feel loved in a way no one else does. I'd never experienced this. I was physically abused once in my life, I was young (a teenager), and I walked away. 

Harley. Our friendship blossomed because we shared a deep pain. We both were injured, severely limited, and deeply depressed because of it. We made each other feel strong and empowered, able to take on the world. We shared our sorrows of lost loved ones and the accompanying pain of living through their birthdays and anniversaries. We connected, deeply. Sounds beautiful, doesn't it? 

Harley was mentally abusive and almost cost me my marriage. He made me feel like I was betraying and rejecting him. If I didn't accompany him for coffee, I was being heartless. If I didn't text him every evening I would hear about it the next day. He would be cold, emotionless. He would make me crave his friendship. I would be made to feel worse than I ever did when he rejected me. I became stronger, I became less dependent on narcotics, and with that, my brain became more clear. I began to see how he was treating me. He seldom got mad, but when he did, he hit things around me. He often told me "if you did this to another guy, he'd break your nose. You'd better realize how lucky you are." I told him one day that in saying that he made me feel as though I was being warned, that when he did hit me, I deserved it and I was stupid for not seeing it sooner.... Like any abuser, he apologized. He expressed he would never and apologized for scaring me. He gave many warnings of that nature... I just kept accepting them. As I took less and less narcotics, declined getting high with him, my brain became clearer and clearer... I began to see that he was luring me in, making me attached to him, forcing me to crave his attention and affection. He would say that in returning to work I was going to neglect him, I wouldn't make time for him, he'd shut down... I'd shut down... There are so many chronicles I could write about my friendship with him.

My husband didn't trust him from the first moment they met. He became upset with me for spending time with Harley. I was with Harley a lot, and he was right, I was changing. I was high...24/7. I became an addict. I was addicted to narcotics and consequentially, to Harley. I don't remember most of our conversations, our outings... I have so many black areas in my mind.. in my memories. 

The fight to end it all... I had already reduced and stopped taking narcotics. We had a huge fight, in public, I wanted to hit him I was so angry. He yelled obscenities at me at the public rec center... I wanted to hit him, to break his nose. I'd never been so angry in my life. I was detoxing at this point - I had just stopped taking everything and my body was craving drugs. I wanted anything, anything to make me feel better. I was on edge, all the time. I don't remember how the fight started, he called me heartless, and many other horrific things. I walked away. 

He apologized by the time I got home, my husband saw the message and I played it off as Harley being in a mood. The text didn't detail what had happened or what was said. Good for him, cause that wouldn't have gone over well. We saw one another again, he apologized, but I kept my distance. Physically and emotionally. I admitted that I was afraid. I had never shown fear around him, I think this hurt him. It definitely hurt him to see how shut down I became near him. 

This pandemic saved my life. The recreation centers shut down - the only excuse we had to hang out, disappeared. Doing aquafit and physio in the water was no longer an option. I continued to work and didn't text him, nor did he text me. He's sent a couple since the pandemic became serious, checked in and said he's at a cabin in Harrison, but had popped into town for supplies and to send a message. Part of me wants to delete his number from my phone. Block and delete. Never again. I fear I'll see him one day though, and if I do block and delete and he confronts me...what do I say? What do I do? I'm not trying to be afraid, or weak... Just realistic. I'll never again make plans with him. He tormented me psychologically for far too long. 

As for my drug addiction... I told my husband about it. He needed to know. I stopped drinking for a while too, told him I simply couldn't have any substance for a while. I craved pills and alcohol.. I even had to stop taking CBD. Anything that altered my mind was too much. I tried to help him understand that I was high, constantly, that I felt awful for worrying him... He doesn't know how traumatic my friendship with Harley was. It's not something I can share. I escaped an abusive friendship with a new outlook on life, with a new understanding to take with me in life. It's not something that can be explained in words... To be trapped in that type of relationship, put on a psychological pedastol to have it kicked out from under you, psychologically back handed, and raised back up within moments.... I was trained by him to accept the abuse. I escaped, I survived, I learned, and I will never go back.