A Word To My Best Friend

Hi Grandma,

I know I didn't react much at first when you died. I saw it coming. What reason would I have to be upset if I were expecting this for a while now? It was almost a relief when I heard you were gone, because it was killing me that I couldn't get ahold of you on the phone. I was glad you stopped suffering and finally allowed yourself to leave all of us. I think these past two months have really hit me, though. I've been saying I was okay that you died, but there's no other explanation as to why I've become so reckless and had no regard for my own life anymore. There was a part of me in high school that wanted to commit suicide so many days of the year, but I never would because I knew I had so much to live for. Now I'm 20 years old and the second you were gone everything came back. Now I am more mature so I'm more prepared mentally and emotionally. I'm not tearing myself down like I used to. My thoughts have shifted from the self hate I had in high school. Now I love who I am, but I don't have my best friend to share it with. My depression has come back, and it's become much more daring than my fearful high school self allowed it to be. Since you're gone it's like there's no point in being here myself. I was always wanting to be where you were and talk to you all hours of the day. But now you're gone and I'm breaking apart. What's the point in being here? If I knew for sure I could go to Heaven to see you even after committing suicide I would end myself right this second. And I know you're probably so heartbroken seeing me like this. I'm sure you're frustrated and angry, but I think I'm probably hurting you by giving into my weakness here. I just don't know how to live. How do you live when the one you lived and breathed for left you? How do you fill the gap when a literal 12+ hours of your day involved speaking with or talking about your best friend? Where do I go from here? How am I supposed to live a possible 60 more years without hearing your voice or seeing your face? What's left here for me? I can't leave the rest of the family, because dealing with one death is hard enough on them. They'd lose their minds if I killed myself. How could anyone be okay with someone voluntarily taking their life? So it's like I'm stuck here. I'm stuck being miserable so that I don't break my family apart. I'm stuck being here without my other half, my heart, my soul, my Heaven and Earth combined. I'M STUCK HERE WITHOUT YOU... How does anyone get over that?...

I'm ready for time to stop. If it doesn't stop soon, I'm afraid I won't be able to stop myself from pausing it myself. Something has to end soon or I might end it in the process of waiting. I'm just dying for help, and I have no idea how to get it fast enough. Everything is appointments and waiting games. My suicidal thoughts don't pick appointments. They come constantly and it's hard to hold them aside while I wait for the psychologist again. I know you're probably begging me to stay strong Grandma. Please help me pull through this. The last thing I want is to hurt everyone who has ever known me. I want to be your legacy. I want to be that girl you were so proud of and loved so much. I want to live, but I want to die. I just need help. I miss you Grandma, and I'm asking you hold me through this. I love you.

Love, Your Very Best Friend