A sort of return
I went on my first outing since COVID started. I went w my family to an apple orchid. I came here a couple of years ago w my husband( ex at the time) and oldest daughter when I was visiting ny and was quite insane.
I was hesitant to go there today. The memory of how I was fresh in my overstimulated brain. My daughter distant and I'm sure remembering how I lost control cried & screamed for help and bashed my head against the car window. On to the duck pond where I cried for my kids forgiveness and tried as hard as I could to find forgiveness & grasp for some normalcy. I felt as alone today as I did then & striving for brand new memories only worked a little bit. The duck pond was fenced in for construction all the benches removed. Very depressing. As they ate their lunch in the car I got out & took a solitary walk looking at the houses along the park. Wishing one of them was mine
i don't know if I'll ever be able to find my way back into my children's hearts. I find I've done too much damage and that they are out of empathy
writing this is starting to make me sad and sadness is replacing what could've been a sort of nice day if I hadn't still felt so lonely
Replies
You are doing the right thing writing it out.
You did the walk. Take time to release and forgive yourself.
Your children will sense, feel, and see the change within you.
No no. It’s too late.
I am disgusted by my husband so I do forgive myself for every attempt I made to escape this life. I remember why I divorced him. I remember why I looked for love in anyone who paid attention to me. And I had tortured myself for that for years & NOW I actually forgive myself. I was drowning & looking for a life preserver. I never knew what it felt like to forgive yourself but now I do. You’ve got to really understand your reason & really truly forgive your actions. Otherwise it’s just words. It’s a wonderful freeing feeling but it’s extremely hard to do
D'd, the feeling of freeing is coming out of you as you open up your mind and heart. Writing is expression and expression automatically brings out the inner you. If you stop, then you only imagine that your day is sort of nice. This is denial. Sure, you can occasionally feel free in a day. But when you give up getting close to something you need to talk or open up about then you are putting up a false shield to prevent dealing with pain and disappointment. (pause now). (blank your mind). (take a deep breath). (blow it out slowly). What you feel should be a pleasure now. Because you are calming your mind and body while trying to get a hold on what the terror is. Takes courage to do so; don't give up now. You give up on yourself and I give up trying to be here for you. I don't want that nor do you.
Stay faithful. I pray you better today. God bless. Hugs!