A small step forward
I admit it. I've been sleeping with Gene's pillow since he died and I haven't even changed the pillow case on it. It had his scent on it for awhile, which was comforting, but it is way to flat for me. I know this must sound really silly to some of you, but my small step was getting my own big, fluffy pillow back out and using it instead. I kept Gene's pillow next to me though and held onto it while I fell asleep. I've come far these last three months. First being able to even touch the coffee pot without crying, then being able to walk in the house without expecting him to come up the steps at any moment, then taking myself out to eat without feeling so alone. What I'm not ready for is cleaning out any of his things, especially his clothes. The mere thought brings me to tears. I'm also not ready to spread his ashes at the racetrack. He's still sitting on the dining room table. All things in good time. When the time is right, I will know. I still walk downstairs and wrap his coat around me sometimes, I cry when I look at his coffee mug, and I still have trouble sleeping soundly, and I can't make any long term plans because I never know how I'm going to feel moment to moment. But I am moving forward in small ways.
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The cat litter box is right near the laundry baske with Butch\'s clothes he wore that last week. This morning as I was changing the litter, on impulse I threw the top layer of his clothes away too. If I had planned to do it, I never could have. I too have his pillow, with the same pillowcase still on my bed. I see what you mean, yes I guess we are moving forward, ever so slowly and whether we want to or not. I no longer immediately look at his chair when I walk in my cottage....God though I miss him so much it hurts.
I have been sleeping with my Scott\'s blanket folded next to my pillow. It did have his scent for a while, but I still need to touch it to connect with him, even if only in a small way. I also cannot bear the thought of \"clearing out\" things. The coat still hangs next to the front door, and the basket he dumped his keys into is there too. I tried last week to put away some CDs but burst into tears remembering he will not get them out again, and select something for himself or us to listen to. I cannot bear thinking this.
You have come far though, and to take yourself out to eat is a big step. Please give yourself a big hug for that.
Susan
There\'s nothing silly about any of it...I think we all have things that we keep close by because they comfort us. I still have Russ\' robe hanging on the door hook in my bathroom, right next to mine. His jacket is still hanging on the wall hook in the garage, and the boots he always wore when he mowed or used the trimmer are right underneath it. I have the book he was reading right before he died sitting on my nightstand, and his toothbrush is still in the holder. So, no, I don\'t think there\'s anything wrong with anything you\'re doing. And we ARE coming along. Three months ago I wouldn\'t have been able to talk about any of this, but now I can walk through the garage, pat his jacket, and smile while I\'m doing it. Take care! Big Hugs, Judy
When I finally got around to trying to put my husband\'s clothes away in boxes and into the closet I cried with the first pair of jeans I folded to put in the box. This was probably 6 months after he died. I didn\'t get rid of them, I just put them away. Then a few months later I cleaned out his nightstand and touching all of those little notes and not-so-important-things he had a habit of holding onto, geez, to say the very least it took its toll on me emotionally. The things I thought were too sentimental to throw out I just put into a box and into the closet with the rest of his things. My thinking was that they could stay there until something happens to me and then someone else can decide what to do with them. I couldn\'t throw them out.
It took me months before I could even touch the plastic bag from the hospital that had the clothes in it that he wore there. They sat on the floor in the laundry room until one day I could wash them. I remember the day I held his coat in my arms and could still smell his scent and buried my face in it and savored it. In the winter I would sleep with one of his flannel shirts on while hugging another one of his shirts in my arms. I had to have something of his near me at all times.
And finally, I need to tell you about the day I was cleaning the bathroom, not packing up his stuff in there - just cleaning...and I came across his hairbrush. He had semi-long hair that he pulled back in a ponytail and his brush was still full of his hair. It still smelled like the vanilla shampoo he used. So I took a comb and got it all out and put it into a ziploc bag to preserve that part of him. I haven\'t opened it again but it\'s in my dresser drawer and knowing that I still have that special part of him is very comforting.
So don\'t feel silly about anything you are doing or not doing. We get to write our own rules as to what helps us through this grief and its personal for each one of us. I think you\'re doing very well for what you\'ve been through. Hugs, Judi
This is exactly how I am able to get to sleep at night - I have put the last shirt he wore inside the last pillow he slept on and then I cuddle it and so am able to get to sleep. It is such a comfort to touch his clothes and to keep this memory of his physical presence. Don\'t get rid of his clothes if you don\'t want to. i am going to make a patchwork quilt from his shirts and then that will be my comforter for the future. I am going to make one for each of my girls too. You take your time and don\'t feel rushed into anything. Hope your day is ok
Love
Margaret
your going to make it Fallen hugs