A small step forward

I admit it.  I've been sleeping with Gene's pillow since he died and I haven't even changed the pillow case on it.  It had his scent on it for awhile, which was comforting, but it is way to flat for me.  I know this must sound really silly to some of you, but my small step was getting my own big, fluffy pillow back out and using it instead.  I kept Gene's pillow next to me though and held onto it while I fell asleep.  I've come far these last three months.  First being able to even touch the coffee pot without crying, then being able to walk in the house without expecting him to come up the steps at any moment, then taking myself out to eat without feeling so alone.  What I'm not ready for is cleaning out any of his things, especially his clothes.  The mere thought brings me to tears.  I'm also not ready to spread his ashes at the racetrack.  He's still sitting on the dining room table. All things in good time.  When the time is right, I will know. I still walk downstairs and wrap his coat around me sometimes, I cry when I look at his coffee mug, and I still have trouble sleeping soundly, and I can't make any long term plans because I never know how I'm going to feel moment to moment.  But I am moving forward in small ways.