A Positive in Any Negative
Finding a positive in any negative even the passing of my son is a notion some people find odd for a mom to believe.
That first year ... maybe a bit more ... I did not honestly believe that 100%. Sitting here 12 1/2 years later I whole heartedly do. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my son Randy Lee would be honored that I found this faith.
A few things to note so it sort of brings today into the light. I've struggled the past few months, mostly quietly, without letting others see. A few have noticed but I'm very good at hiding it as most of us have learned to do.
A friend posted this week an article about how anyone who believes things happen for a reason and even in death or severe accidents there is a reason. That's what makes each of us different but for me, I do believe this. I choose to believe and embrace that God graced me to be Randy Lee's mom for 18 years - good times, bad times, happy times and sad times - he picked me because I was the best mom Randy Lee could have. Words a dear friend of Randy Lee's, my bonus son Jason told me from a conversation they had ~ that even when I did not so popular things or when I was a mom & not a friend, Randy Lee knew I was the best mom for him. THAT doesn't change once he's passed away ~ I had those 18 1/2 yrs that even knowing the end ... I would not change or trade for anything in the world if the alternative was not having him. I read the article, I respect the person's view that her "tragedy" didn't have anything but negative in her life. I hope she can see one day we never realize how strong we are until we have to be.
I attended a seminar today for work that I knew walking in was going to be hard to get through. I've never hidden the fact that my son had a 4+ yr battle with drugs & alcohol and that alcohol is what he died from that night. I'm an outspoken person before ... and after Randy Lee's passing. It took me a bit to gain my footing I never lost my voice ... Randy Lee's voice. I began speaking about his battle and death just weeks after he died. Our community was in a desperate state and parents, community, school personal, etc. needed to hear drugs know no boundaries. It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor, educated or not, a family person or a loner, working or unemployed ~ you're not a bad person. You made a bad choice. I joined a few dozen others in our community to speak out and educate that included educators, nurses, social workers, state police and more. That first meeting the commander of our CPI unit spoke out and said those words to the group - to me.... "Addicts are not BAD people ... they've made bad choices". I remember sitting here holding back tears because I knew Randy Lee was a good person ... kind, loving, giving, friendly ... he was a good person. This same officer, now retired presented the seminar today on Drugs in Our Community. Those same words, in that same strong voice 13 years later and again - I could feel tears I held back. Too many similar stories that left me very emotional today. I walked up to him at the end of the seminar expecting to remind him who I was and he reached out hugging me and asking how I was. I let him know that his words helped me in those months with my grief and I've never forgotten them, or him. He is indeed a positive.
There was a rough weekend at work and I really didn't get my 2 days off. I've been there on and off all weekend. A few issues involving addictions that while I see Randy Lee is so many of the supports I do, I do them because of Randy Lee. For me, again others don't always see this, it's a positive. If I can use his story, his poor choices, his heart to help one person make a better choice ... to me, he goes on. Randy Lee had a hand in that. A positive.
I came in from work and my husband said "you got an envelope in there but I didn't recognize the name". I did a few things and then picked up the envelope and smiled when I saw the return address. This path I'm on ... we're on ... is one where we support one another, sometimes carry one another but again ... we are in on another's lives for a reason. I opened the envelope and pulled out a pink envelope and a small item wrapped in blue tissue. I read the envelope "Dee - Randy Lee's Mom". As I opened the card I smiled again because on the front was a beautiful Gerber Daisy, my favorite flower. I began to read the card and stopped to smile knowing the perfect timing of this for today along with the beautiful little angel ~ well, it happens for a reason. A heart felt note that I treasure knowing it comes from a person, while miles & miles away ... we've never met face to face ... we are connected in a way that not many are in life. We met on this path neither of us ever wanted to travel. A meeting ... a connection ... I honestly believe our two beloved son's had a hand in. So many similarities that, if I believed in coincidence I would write it off as that. A Positive.
Ending with a smile knowing that I continue to get signs when I need them most. Small or big - subtle or strong - signs none the less. I open my eyes and my heart to them because it reminds me Randy Lee isn't gone. He lives on ... he touched so many people's lives I'm still hearing stories that make me smile. He was a good, kind, loving, smart, handsome young man.
The Chinese believe in the Legend of the Red Thread. They believe that at the birth of a child ... the child is connected to the parents by an invisible red thread. That no matter how tangled, frayed or old that thread becomes, your child is always waiting at the end. :)
Thank you friend .... my angel is sitting aside of Randy Lee's pic
That first year ... maybe a bit more ... I did not honestly believe that 100%. Sitting here 12 1/2 years later I whole heartedly do. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my son Randy Lee would be honored that I found this faith.
A few things to note so it sort of brings today into the light. I've struggled the past few months, mostly quietly, without letting others see. A few have noticed but I'm very good at hiding it as most of us have learned to do.
A friend posted this week an article about how anyone who believes things happen for a reason and even in death or severe accidents there is a reason. That's what makes each of us different but for me, I do believe this. I choose to believe and embrace that God graced me to be Randy Lee's mom for 18 years - good times, bad times, happy times and sad times - he picked me because I was the best mom Randy Lee could have. Words a dear friend of Randy Lee's, my bonus son Jason told me from a conversation they had ~ that even when I did not so popular things or when I was a mom & not a friend, Randy Lee knew I was the best mom for him. THAT doesn't change once he's passed away ~ I had those 18 1/2 yrs that even knowing the end ... I would not change or trade for anything in the world if the alternative was not having him. I read the article, I respect the person's view that her "tragedy" didn't have anything but negative in her life. I hope she can see one day we never realize how strong we are until we have to be.
I attended a seminar today for work that I knew walking in was going to be hard to get through. I've never hidden the fact that my son had a 4+ yr battle with drugs & alcohol and that alcohol is what he died from that night. I'm an outspoken person before ... and after Randy Lee's passing. It took me a bit to gain my footing I never lost my voice ... Randy Lee's voice. I began speaking about his battle and death just weeks after he died. Our community was in a desperate state and parents, community, school personal, etc. needed to hear drugs know no boundaries. It doesn't matter if you're rich or poor, educated or not, a family person or a loner, working or unemployed ~ you're not a bad person. You made a bad choice. I joined a few dozen others in our community to speak out and educate that included educators, nurses, social workers, state police and more. That first meeting the commander of our CPI unit spoke out and said those words to the group - to me.... "Addicts are not BAD people ... they've made bad choices". I remember sitting here holding back tears because I knew Randy Lee was a good person ... kind, loving, giving, friendly ... he was a good person. This same officer, now retired presented the seminar today on Drugs in Our Community. Those same words, in that same strong voice 13 years later and again - I could feel tears I held back. Too many similar stories that left me very emotional today. I walked up to him at the end of the seminar expecting to remind him who I was and he reached out hugging me and asking how I was. I let him know that his words helped me in those months with my grief and I've never forgotten them, or him. He is indeed a positive.
There was a rough weekend at work and I really didn't get my 2 days off. I've been there on and off all weekend. A few issues involving addictions that while I see Randy Lee is so many of the supports I do, I do them because of Randy Lee. For me, again others don't always see this, it's a positive. If I can use his story, his poor choices, his heart to help one person make a better choice ... to me, he goes on. Randy Lee had a hand in that. A positive.
I came in from work and my husband said "you got an envelope in there but I didn't recognize the name". I did a few things and then picked up the envelope and smiled when I saw the return address. This path I'm on ... we're on ... is one where we support one another, sometimes carry one another but again ... we are in on another's lives for a reason. I opened the envelope and pulled out a pink envelope and a small item wrapped in blue tissue. I read the envelope "Dee - Randy Lee's Mom". As I opened the card I smiled again because on the front was a beautiful Gerber Daisy, my favorite flower. I began to read the card and stopped to smile knowing the perfect timing of this for today along with the beautiful little angel ~ well, it happens for a reason. A heart felt note that I treasure knowing it comes from a person, while miles & miles away ... we've never met face to face ... we are connected in a way that not many are in life. We met on this path neither of us ever wanted to travel. A meeting ... a connection ... I honestly believe our two beloved son's had a hand in. So many similarities that, if I believed in coincidence I would write it off as that. A Positive.
Ending with a smile knowing that I continue to get signs when I need them most. Small or big - subtle or strong - signs none the less. I open my eyes and my heart to them because it reminds me Randy Lee isn't gone. He lives on ... he touched so many people's lives I'm still hearing stories that make me smile. He was a good, kind, loving, smart, handsome young man.
The Chinese believe in the Legend of the Red Thread. They believe that at the birth of a child ... the child is connected to the parents by an invisible red thread. That no matter how tangled, frayed or old that thread becomes, your child is always waiting at the end. :)
Thank you friend .... my angel is sitting aside of Randy Lee's pic
Replies
I remember receiving a red thread in a letter from one of the FMO moms and I had never heard about the legend before and it really touched my heart. How lovely for you to receive a gift from the heart from another who knows this path just when you needed a lift. The timing of these happenings is always perfect, isn\'t it?!
I have no doubt that Randy Lee lives on in all that you say and do and that you are honored to BE his mom.
Addiction is an insidious disease and not one that our children wished to be born with. Some learn how to live with it and others don\'t, yet there is always HOPE for those living with it to know that a good life can BE theirs too. A life without that monkey on their backs. This continues to be my prayer always.
I appreciate reading your thoughts and being reminded that life is not just one way or another and that there must be the darkness with the light and that at the bottom of ALL of it is LOVE.
Loving care to Randy Lee and his mom from Douglas and me,
XO Joanie
How enlightening your journal is. I too had a son intertwined in addiction. His was alcohol, like his father and this father\'s father. I had my \"black belt\" in Alanon as one counselor told me, from living with my husband.
I agree with you, that we are the best mom\'s for our child. But loosing a son has been so life altering. I commend you for all you have been able to do for parents and children in honor of you Randy Lee.
The legend of the red thread is new to me. I like it very much.
Gentle hugs,
Debbie
I agree with you, Randy Lee lives on helping others through you! He learned from a very giving mother and I am so happy you were given acknowlegement for your (and Randy Lee\'s) work. Sending love, Leda
Thank you all. Writing is somewhat therapeutic for me. My son loved journaling and honestly, that journal has given me such hope. Reading his writings, seeing his handwriting, knowing he touched those pages and let his thoughts flow onto those pages makes me feel closer to him. I gave him his journal while he was in the next to last rehab he had gone to for help. It was the Christmas that he lost one of his dear friends in a car accident and it was my hope that he would put his grief into words. He did ... and more.
I absolutely believe, as you, that things DO \"happen for a reason\"I believe God remains in total control of all events of our lives, at all times. For some reason only He knows, He \"allows\" bad things to happen. But He always has a Plan B and He never wishes iill will on ANYONE! Gotta love our wonderful GodHe\'s got it all handled, tis for sure! Love this journal entry!
Love,
Donna
I remember as a child hearing \"going home\" and wrapping my head around that notion. As a child \"this\" is home but growing older you realize, or at least i did ...that we all have another home. I grew up in a very Catholic family ... a religion I strayed from and consider myself a lapsed Catholic. I was just too stubborn, too opinionated to side with beliefs not in my heart. Some things are instilled in my but I\'m still not mainstream by any means. I do though know in my heart even during those low of low times after Randy Lee passed that God is good. I don\'t get to understand it all - he does - and I can admit he has far more insight than I ever hope to have. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he blessed me to be Randy Lee\'s mom even if but for 18 yrs. Randy Lee just completed his task before I did and he is \"home\" waiting on me. That, that I know ~ I will see him again when it\'s time.