A LOT of more writing.
Okay so I just sent Joanna an extremely ridiculous long email. It had everything from yesterday's journals plus what is below. Yes I know in various things I am completely calling the kettle black. No need to tell me that.
Like I said earlier, A LOT went on in my mind yesterday. This is an addition to that thing that I wrote that I had NEVER told ANYONE about...
It is very hard for me to even possibly think that this could be true. Maybe it's not. Maybe I just created this shit in my head. But then again I remember examples so clearly. My boyfriend buying me hershey kisses for everyday that we were apart (long distance)...and then me wanting them all at once. Getting trail mix with a lot of chocolates in it from the bins at Wegmens and sitting in my room picking at everything and only eating the chocolate. Taking a jar full of peanut butter, putting large spoonfuls in my mouth just to get the taste. Buying certain things (cereals, granola, snacks) and only eating certain parts of it. Granola- I would only eat the big clusters. Cereals I would only eat the full flakes, none that were broken in pieces. Pretzels, I would only eat the broken ones and then the salt at the bottom. Kit Kats/Peanut Butter Cups/any chocolate covered bar, I would only eat the chocolate on the outside and not the inside. Even with M&M's, I would buy the peanut or almond ones...eat the chocolate and spit out the nuts. Ice cream- eat only the cookie dough or actual fruit that is in it.
Actually- I still do a lot of this. Not the huge amounts though. With the snacks, I still only eat pretzels/cereal/granola in that specific way. Same with the chocolate snacks. Except now after I eat just the certain chocolate part- I usually spit it out after I got the taste so it doesn't all go in. Same with other foods- I pick so fucking much. Like those wraps- always pick them. Sandwiches- pick off certain things. Blot chicken with paper towels to avoid getting the grease. Even rinsing out sauteed veggies I cooked with oil/sauce and blotting them to get extra unneeded fat out of it.
Wow, stuff just keeps coming out of my head. I do this shit to so many things, I never really thought about it. Fuck maybe I am screwed up. Maybe that's why I hate going to my parent's because they are watching me and I cannot pick out various things. I am really fucked up- holy shit. What the hell am I doing!?
-------------------something else I wrote yesterday-------------------------
Ed. Why does every single person refer to their eatingdisorder as Ed? He’s not a person. It bothers me so much that everyoneconstantly says, ‘Ed told me to do this. Ed is constantly in my head sayingthat I am fat…I eat too much…I am not good enough.” This bothers the livinghell out of me. Why does it bother me so much, because it sounds as thoughpeople are blaming their eating disorder on fucking Ed. To me it just seemslike an easy excuse. It’s just another way to pawn off your eating disorder tosomething else. How is someone going to learn to accept responsibility of theireating disorder if they constantly blame it on Ed? Yes maybe it is your mindsaying something to you, but guess what??? It is YOUR mind, NOT someoneelse’s. So wake up, smell the coffee beans, and snap your ass into gear. YOU need to work on your shit.
Yes I know I should not be talking because I am one thatdoes not tend to accept responsibility, but I’m not talking to this imaginarything in my head called Ed. Yes I have constant arguments going on in my head,but that’s my mind. I know this is completely wrong of me to write this and Iam calling the kettle black, but it just came out of me.
--------------last thing I wrote----------------
As time goes on I continuously find new content (fromvarious sources) that is intriguing to me as I try to use it to increase myknowledge regarding eating disorders, etc. I do find it interesting thoughbecause as I read more I feel that my eating disorder is not that big of adeal. I read symptoms, signs, serious cases, people being hospitalized multipletimes and going in and out of recovery constantly, and I don’t feel as though Iam anywhere near that. It’s not that bad. Yes I have had an eating disorder,but I don’t see it right now. There are so many people out there that are worsethan me, people with tragic pasts that have eating disorders. I have nothinglike that. My story is not horrible like that. It is nothing compared to theamount that others suffer. In fact, I don’t even feel like I can say that Isuffer enough. I don’t believe that I have a good enough reason to have aneating disorder. Perhaps I don’t even have one. Maybe it’s just me wanting tolose a few pounds. Maybe I have other issues which make it seem like I have aneating disorder. Or maybe I am just talking crap. I think the most realisticreasoning behind all that I have just written is plain and simple. I want todeny it. I do not want to face reality. I want to pretend everything is perfectand wonderful. Aka...I don't want to accept responsibility I suppose.
Like I said earlier, A LOT went on in my mind yesterday. This is an addition to that thing that I wrote that I had NEVER told ANYONE about...
It is very hard for me to even possibly think that this could be true. Maybe it's not. Maybe I just created this shit in my head. But then again I remember examples so clearly. My boyfriend buying me hershey kisses for everyday that we were apart (long distance)...and then me wanting them all at once. Getting trail mix with a lot of chocolates in it from the bins at Wegmens and sitting in my room picking at everything and only eating the chocolate. Taking a jar full of peanut butter, putting large spoonfuls in my mouth just to get the taste. Buying certain things (cereals, granola, snacks) and only eating certain parts of it. Granola- I would only eat the big clusters. Cereals I would only eat the full flakes, none that were broken in pieces. Pretzels, I would only eat the broken ones and then the salt at the bottom. Kit Kats/Peanut Butter Cups/any chocolate covered bar, I would only eat the chocolate on the outside and not the inside. Even with M&M's, I would buy the peanut or almond ones...eat the chocolate and spit out the nuts. Ice cream- eat only the cookie dough or actual fruit that is in it.
Actually- I still do a lot of this. Not the huge amounts though. With the snacks, I still only eat pretzels/cereal/granola in that specific way. Same with the chocolate snacks. Except now after I eat just the certain chocolate part- I usually spit it out after I got the taste so it doesn't all go in. Same with other foods- I pick so fucking much. Like those wraps- always pick them. Sandwiches- pick off certain things. Blot chicken with paper towels to avoid getting the grease. Even rinsing out sauteed veggies I cooked with oil/sauce and blotting them to get extra unneeded fat out of it.
Wow, stuff just keeps coming out of my head. I do this shit to so many things, I never really thought about it. Fuck maybe I am screwed up. Maybe that's why I hate going to my parent's because they are watching me and I cannot pick out various things. I am really fucked up- holy shit. What the hell am I doing!?
-------------------something else I wrote yesterday-------------------------
Ed. Why does every single person refer to their eatingdisorder as Ed? He’s not a person. It bothers me so much that everyoneconstantly says, ‘Ed told me to do this. Ed is constantly in my head sayingthat I am fat…I eat too much…I am not good enough.” This bothers the livinghell out of me. Why does it bother me so much, because it sounds as thoughpeople are blaming their eating disorder on fucking Ed. To me it just seemslike an easy excuse. It’s just another way to pawn off your eating disorder tosomething else. How is someone going to learn to accept responsibility of theireating disorder if they constantly blame it on Ed? Yes maybe it is your mindsaying something to you, but guess what??? It is YOUR mind, NOT someoneelse’s. So wake up, smell the coffee beans, and snap your ass into gear. YOU need to work on your shit.
Yes I know I should not be talking because I am one thatdoes not tend to accept responsibility, but I’m not talking to this imaginarything in my head called Ed. Yes I have constant arguments going on in my head,but that’s my mind. I know this is completely wrong of me to write this and Iam calling the kettle black, but it just came out of me.
--------------last thing I wrote----------------
As time goes on I continuously find new content (fromvarious sources) that is intriguing to me as I try to use it to increase myknowledge regarding eating disorders, etc. I do find it interesting thoughbecause as I read more I feel that my eating disorder is not that big of adeal. I read symptoms, signs, serious cases, people being hospitalized multipletimes and going in and out of recovery constantly, and I don’t feel as though Iam anywhere near that. It’s not that bad. Yes I have had an eating disorder,but I don’t see it right now. There are so many people out there that are worsethan me, people with tragic pasts that have eating disorders. I have nothinglike that. My story is not horrible like that. It is nothing compared to theamount that others suffer. In fact, I don’t even feel like I can say that Isuffer enough. I don’t believe that I have a good enough reason to have aneating disorder. Perhaps I don’t even have one. Maybe it’s just me wanting tolose a few pounds. Maybe I have other issues which make it seem like I have aneating disorder. Or maybe I am just talking crap. I think the most realisticreasoning behind all that I have just written is plain and simple. I want todeny it. I do not want to face reality. I want to pretend everything is perfectand wonderful. Aka...I don't want to accept responsibility I suppose.
Replies
Sounds like your eating behavior shows some SERIOUS ocd behavior.
I was gonna say you are in total denial but you say it even better: you are talking crap. Your past was crappy as hell. Your mother was MIA your whole childhood and now is controlling as hell. All our pasts are tragic or troubling. Yes they are different but your feelings can not be minimized just because you think somebody suffered more. You might not be in need of IP now but there was a time I wasn\'t. So believe me if you don\'t get better now you will be at the point of having to go IP. And the more you have to gain and the longer you are in your ed the more you have to gain, the more traumatic is you body change and the less your chances for recovery. So don\'t bullshit yourself. Take action!
I don\'t understand how it shows OCD behavior. I seriously don\'t. Can you show/explain to me how? I really want to know and don\'t see it. NO I am not disagreeing!!!
the way you pick you food apart: only eating the big clusters, only eating the broken pretzles, only eating the whole flakes, a non ocd binger would not give it shit if the flakes were whole or not and just stuff it in. That\'s just my uneducated opinion.
Steph,
I am not sure about the OCD behavior but you really seem like you are in denial right now or \"talking crap\" as you said. There is no such thing as having \"not so bad\" of an eating disorder - they get out of control so quickly and soon it runs your life. The fact that you rinse food to get oil off and blot food is not normal and you should be concerned for that. You are letting food run your life, just as you do with the scale. I have done the same thing for over 20 years so I am not just harping on you. I guess I just wish that you could see that you have a chance to beat this thing and make it go away and you just seem to ride the fence and waver if you should do it or not. Honestly, Karrin\'s suggestion of IP is probably good for you and you should consider it. You have a lot of issues that you talk about (your mom, sister, etc.) that really are the underlying factors that make you focus on your weight/food and I think it might be something to look at. I am sure you have been working on this with Joanna but maybe it might not be enough with the sessions you have? Wouldn\'t it be great to make a dinner and not worry about it or have a piece of birthday cake with your family and not stress about the calories? I want this for myself so badly and I hope that you would want that to.
Some of us call the eating disorder ED as it is easier to distance ourselves from this problem and make it go away. I know that I am not my eating disorder and it is something that has been hanging over my for many years but it does not define me or any of the things that I stand for. I don\'t think you should be irritated that people use the terminology ED but just understand where it comes from.
I hope that you take this to heart and please don\'t think I am trying to bully you into something. I care about you and think that you are suffering so much that the things you are doing aren\'t working. You could be so much happier and I wish that you could see that. The road to recovery sucks BUT the end of the road is soooo nice. I am trying to get there and it would be nice to have you there with me :)
By NO MEANS do I think you are bullying me!! I went IP last November and it was HELL! Like really bad. People puking in hallways. If you didn\'t gain a 0.5 pounds every morning you were monitored. Monitored meaning you were not allowed to use the pay phones- nor was anyone allowed to call you. you were not allowed to go in the second day room where there is one computer. You are not allowed to shower. You got an additional Ensure. My therapist was PATHETIC and we never accomplished anything. There were SO many restrictions on what you could have. Basically clothes with no pockets, hoods, strings or baggy. No pens or pencils. No ipods/headphones/any technology. When you did get phone calls they were limited time. I cried every fucking day. Joanna called me everyday and when I was on restriction I was able to either sneak and grab the phone right when the nurses\' swtiched shifts so they didn\'t know who was on restriction or not. Or have someone talk to her for me. It was bad. I ate everything (even picked the most caloric fatty foods) so I would gain weight and get the fuck out. I did EVERYTHING I was told. I was the best patient there.
No way I\'m going anywhere again. Yes I could talk about that place for HOURS.
Well I am not one to say about going IP or what not...but I have to say at least you are doing more journaling about your eating disorder and seeing more things... I am just going to say one thing...if I was in your shoes (please don\'t get angry with me) I would jump at a chance at IP BUT look at a different place... I just don\'t have that opportunity...I do however have a Great outpatient team, and take advantage of that.. And I do have to say you are doing a great job of reaching out to Joanna and i so hope you do that with your dr. and maybe you can do it outpatient..Hope you are having a good night!
the OCD basically is a mental illness that put into simple terms, is someone who is extremely ritualistic and always repeating a behavior over and over, incapable of stopping. this is only my opinion, not a medical statement. the way you describe your eating habits, even in the past and now is very comparable to ocd. you pick and choose what size food you will suck on, blot the oil from a piece of chicken, pick apart sandwhiches etc... as with all mental illnesses they are not your fault but can be treated. have you ever addressed this behavior with a doctor? i think if you could get help in this area so much would be off your shoulders. i am happy to read that you are journaling more about your eating disorder, the one you think you dont have. opps, that was harsh. yes we all have shitty, annoying everyday problems, but the real issue underneath all that is the eating disorder. i call it ED simply to make it shorter to type, but that is just me. i hope that you keep journaling about this and it isnt talking crap. hugsss
Thanks. I have never told anyone about these behaviors before. I sent it in an email to Joanna. I know she won\'t respond- she doesn\'t very much anymore because we both know that nothing is going to make me feel better at that moment. It bothers me but it\'s supposedly a good thing so I realize that the emotions and feelings will pass. Ugh.
She does read them all because they do contain a lot of valid information.