a little bit of panic
is setting in...
just a little. ok maybe a lot. i signed a year lease, which can be broken at the cost of one month's rent. the place where i am going to be working is not run the way the woman who owns the place seemed to imply, and it makes me afraid that i'll have to leave it instead of staying long-term like i imagined. of course, nothing is ever like a person imagines it to be, so perhaps i should give up expecting and just take it as it comes. i am not stuck here, just trying it out. my apartment is nice, and it's in a nice location. and right near an art store, and with a bar across the street. my daily commute is less than 20 minutes each way, and just because the owner loses her patience with the dogs does NOT mean that i have to settle for her standards. it also does not mean that i have to stay...
i really want to open my own grooming shop, but my credit is so terrible right now that nobody would even THINK of lending me even a dollar. i thought i was going to get to take over the woman's shop, but now she's talking about sticking around and supervising. ugh. i can't take any more micro-management! where i was working in san diego was really nice, but it's in san diego, and i don't want to live there for the rest of my life.
...
the inevitable impass has arisen with my ability to get along with my boyfriend. and i leave in about 30 hours, so i feel really sad that we can't have a good time together right now. and really anxious by the things he says one minute, takes back the next.
am i moving to portland for him? yeah. but we planned to move up together. we're just doing it a little differently, now. do i wish i was moving to seattle? YES! but i want to try this. and it's my decision. and he's dwelling on all the negative aspects of this, saying that i am only up here for him and that he is holding me back from my dreams. I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DECIDE WHAT I DO!!! i want him to be happy that i will be here and that we will be able to see each other a little more often, but i can't make him express something he isn't feeling just because i feel like i really need to hear it. and i just have to remember that when he is in these states i can't bring him around to the positive optimistic light in which i prefer to lead my life.
but panic makes me wonder how the hell i can get out of this situation and go straight up to seattle. and then get up there and be sad and full of regret that i didn't at least TRY living in portland with the man i can't seem to stop loving no matter how hard i try.
everything is all screwed up in this relationship, but i still feel like i am stronger on my side of it. just sad that it can't magically be all better in a simple POOF!
and then i wonder what it really is about seattle. maybe because it is so familiar a place. maybe because it represents the grunge era and all the music of my teenage years. maybe because people i admire, like eddie vedder, tom robbins, sherman alexie, all live in that area, and i foolishly think that if people with the talents that i admire and that run parallel to my aspirations live in that region and are successful that i, too, will be successful. maybe it's the salt water and the wind off the sound... really, i know nothing about portland, and for the longest time was under the impression that it was filled with a bunch of stinky hippies, as my npd ex used to say (the same ex who, ironically, moved up here with my friend for a few years).
art, music, and work. save money, flourish in all that defines me as talented. become successful and a little proud. stay calm, hang on, live in a city other than the right-wing military bro town in which i grew up and wondered why i never did fit in...
just a little. ok maybe a lot. i signed a year lease, which can be broken at the cost of one month's rent. the place where i am going to be working is not run the way the woman who owns the place seemed to imply, and it makes me afraid that i'll have to leave it instead of staying long-term like i imagined. of course, nothing is ever like a person imagines it to be, so perhaps i should give up expecting and just take it as it comes. i am not stuck here, just trying it out. my apartment is nice, and it's in a nice location. and right near an art store, and with a bar across the street. my daily commute is less than 20 minutes each way, and just because the owner loses her patience with the dogs does NOT mean that i have to settle for her standards. it also does not mean that i have to stay...
i really want to open my own grooming shop, but my credit is so terrible right now that nobody would even THINK of lending me even a dollar. i thought i was going to get to take over the woman's shop, but now she's talking about sticking around and supervising. ugh. i can't take any more micro-management! where i was working in san diego was really nice, but it's in san diego, and i don't want to live there for the rest of my life.
...
the inevitable impass has arisen with my ability to get along with my boyfriend. and i leave in about 30 hours, so i feel really sad that we can't have a good time together right now. and really anxious by the things he says one minute, takes back the next.
am i moving to portland for him? yeah. but we planned to move up together. we're just doing it a little differently, now. do i wish i was moving to seattle? YES! but i want to try this. and it's my decision. and he's dwelling on all the negative aspects of this, saying that i am only up here for him and that he is holding me back from my dreams. I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DECIDE WHAT I DO!!! i want him to be happy that i will be here and that we will be able to see each other a little more often, but i can't make him express something he isn't feeling just because i feel like i really need to hear it. and i just have to remember that when he is in these states i can't bring him around to the positive optimistic light in which i prefer to lead my life.
but panic makes me wonder how the hell i can get out of this situation and go straight up to seattle. and then get up there and be sad and full of regret that i didn't at least TRY living in portland with the man i can't seem to stop loving no matter how hard i try.
everything is all screwed up in this relationship, but i still feel like i am stronger on my side of it. just sad that it can't magically be all better in a simple POOF!
and then i wonder what it really is about seattle. maybe because it is so familiar a place. maybe because it represents the grunge era and all the music of my teenage years. maybe because people i admire, like eddie vedder, tom robbins, sherman alexie, all live in that area, and i foolishly think that if people with the talents that i admire and that run parallel to my aspirations live in that region and are successful that i, too, will be successful. maybe it's the salt water and the wind off the sound... really, i know nothing about portland, and for the longest time was under the impression that it was filled with a bunch of stinky hippies, as my npd ex used to say (the same ex who, ironically, moved up here with my friend for a few years).
art, music, and work. save money, flourish in all that defines me as talented. become successful and a little proud. stay calm, hang on, live in a city other than the right-wing military bro town in which i grew up and wondered why i never did fit in...
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