A leaf on the wind…

I am like a leaf on the wind these days.  Caught up in the whirlwinds of change in my life since June.  Making the hard decision to leave a man I had loved for so many years but who is unable or unwilling to put us before the alcohol. 

I was talking to a friend about all the things that led up to my finally leaving.  We talked about how he slept on the couch this past three years and refused to be with me at night.  I wondered how he could do this...knowing that holding back that small piece of comfort hurt me so deeply. 

She looked at me and said…it was intentional.  He slowly began removing himself from me and leaving me lonely so that I would be the one to leave and make it seem like I was the bad guy and that his drinking had nothing to do with it….

OH.

DUH.

Maybe I was too close to it to see it for what it was.  For all these things I have journaled over in the past…that was kind of a revelation to me.  Maybe I had not wanted to see it. 

The testing came back and my little broken army boy that I spent such a short time with is the reason I now have H.  He says he did not know…I am not sure that I believe him.  I remember how angry I was that he said he would use a condom and at that moment did not.  His smile and calm assurances that he was tested regularly at the VA.  I would hate to think that someone would do that intentionally but I know there are hurtful people in this world.  Still, being angry will get me nowhere.

I am still awaiting the test results from the man I was seeing when I began to feel sick; the man I thought gave this to me.  We have continued to speak although it is an odd strained thing.  I have reached out and joined this new website PS, hoping to make new friends and support resources.

Last week the panic attacks were still so strong that I packed up and drove to San Diego for the weekend.  This week I have an odd calm.  I placed a blog entry on this new website and also on linked in…asking the pros and cons of moving to San Diego.  So many reasons to go and only fear and expense to stand in my way. 

I have that calm floating feeling, like I am a leaf in the wind, trying to find out which way to go.  I close my eyes and open my heart and try to listen to the universe.  It is in this strange sense of calm that I met a new friend this weekend who may be a source of support in this new reality of H.  The man I had been seeing also called and asked me to come and just watch movies and hang out….which I did.  It is an odd thing that my dog likes him so much and instantly follows when he calls her.  I always put a lot of faith in her instincts.  That too, was strained between us.  He was hesitant as though he didn’t know if he should kiss me or not, and I think he was afraid. 

In another moment my friend called and had said her kids were gone for the weekend and she wanted to go to church, but did not want to go alone and would I go with her.  It’s not my thing, but she is my friend and in need of company.

I went…proving that non-believers can enter such a building without it burning spontaneously or caving in on your head.

This morning brought colder, windy weather, something that would normally set my anxiety on edge but today did not.  This strange calm persists and I keep waiting for some sign of the direction I should take. 

In the meantime, I will continue to journal on my anxiety support site as always and maybe even throw it out on this new site. 

Will reading of someone else’s struggles help anyone else?  Maybe not.  But maybe someone new reading this will realize that just because we have this horrible thing happen to us, we are still real people inside with real feelings and real struggles. 

You know, because just being an anxiety freak was not enough…I needed something more to handle.