A hurt that doesn't end
As I've said many times before, I truly believe we receive signs from those who have passed away. I believe they send us messages, memories and people who we need at that moment. I don't judge anyone who doesn't see that ~ for me, it's as real as life. I really don't think I could survive losing Randy Lee if it hadn't been for those moments.
Last night was very painful for me. My schnauzer Zackie died suddenly. He was the funniest, most loving dog I've ever had the honor to love. My story about Zackie made him that much more special to me ~ and the loss that much more painful. Zackie was a gift.
In 2008 Ken & I put a bid in on a house we liked. It wasn't exactly everything we wanted but for me it held something dear. Years earlier my first husband, Randy's dad and I looked at this exact house to buy. Randy had been in this house. We didn't purchase because at that time, it was just too small for what we needed. So when I drove by and saw the for sale sign my heart skipped a beat. We placed a bid and it was accepted. I knew I wanted a dog as soon as we got a house and I knew I wanted to rescue one who needed love. I went on our local petfinder site that has rescues from the area. I had it in my mind I wanted this little dog - maybe a Maltese or a yorkie. I clicked my way though the pages and saw this grey schnauzer with his head tilted slightly to the side, big brown eyes and almost seemed to be smiling. I kept looking but my search kept turning up this guy. I read his bio and saw they had named his Zackie. Warmed my heard because I wanted to name Randy Lee Zackary but his dad didn't like the name. I read his story, laughed at the sight of this dog taking himself in out of the cold at a local store via electronic doors time after time. The shelter was contacted and he was placed in a foster home. I wanted him -- those eyes -- something about those eyes. So I inquire about him and was told that another family had actually made plans to pick him up the next day.
Well, a few days later the bid fell though and we were on the look for a house again. Then we were contacted that the other bid couldn't come up with the financing and if we were still interested the seller was ready to move and needed it sold ASAP. Then I got an email that the other family didn't work out for Zackie and if we wanted to meet him, we could.
Signed the papers for the house on March 11 (Ken's birthday) and 4 days later Zackie came home. It was the day before the anniversary of Randy's dealh and I was struggling. I had so much anxiety that I almost had them take Zackie away. He bounced into the house, ran right over to me past Ken and kissed me. He was home. No going back from here.
He would sit on my lap and look at me, loved me to rock him and he would just kiss me. He'd snuggle up to my neck and just lay there. He had the most calming effect over me. Any time I seemed to need comforting, when I was down about Randy, a bad day ... he was right there glued to me loving his mama and giving me those wonderful Zackie kisses that healed everything.
I knew the night he walked into the house what it was that pulled me to him. That first night - those big, beautiful, sad brown eyes ... just like Randy Lee's. Randy Lee would always kiss me on the left cheek when he hugged me. Zackie would crawl up on me with his paws on each side of my shoulders and kiss me on the left cheek. Whenever he kissed Ken = it was always on the ear. LOL I don't believe Zackie was Randy but I do think Randy steered me to him because he knew he was exactly what I needed.
As the time went by I noticed Zackie was always right there when I was sad, thinking of Randy. When I needed someone to cuddle or just cry into --- Zackie was content to just sit on my lap and love me. When I had a moment where all seemed lost ... no sense to go on ... Zackie was there and didn't leave my side. Sick, sad, happy - he was my shadow.
When I came home from work last night, I noticed how sad he looked just since that morning. Ken had been feeding him all day w/ an eye dropper of pedialite to get fluids into him since he refused to eat. He drank some broth but no food. Just the day before he was meeting me at the door and running through the yard. I picked him up and cuddled him while we rocked for a bit. He was restless and seemed to want down. I kissed him like I always did and whispered into his ear that I loved him so very much. He kissed my hand because he couldn't lift his head. He layed down on his big pillow and went to sleep. I couldn't take my eyes off him and I had this terrible panic feeling. I watched him breath and it was so heavy then it slowed and he was gone.
I was not Zackie's owner, he was not my dog - he was my furbaby. He was my baby. He brought me so much joy, so much strength for the short 5 yrs we had him that I know I will never have that again. I trust that he is with Randy Lee now - my God allows all creatures into heaven so I know they found each other until I get there.
Zackie was sent to me as a gift - a reason no other than I neeeded him at that moment. He filled a hole in my heart just a bit and made things managable when it came to missing Randy Lee. And now he's gone.
Zackie's passing has brought back the pain of losing Randy to the surface again. Not that it ever left but some days it's not as crushing as it is today. I know I'm sad and upset but I also know .... signs, signs, everywhere there's signs. I've been blessed with Gifts from Randy from beyond the grave in the form of my bonus son Jason, his fiancee', Zackie, chance meetings or messages so I beleive .. I have no doubt who or what I need now will find me.
Sorry to ramble but it's been a long 24 hrs and holding it together today at work was a bit challenging. To Zackie I say good-bye by baby and to Randy I say keep him safe until I am with you both again. XOXOXOX
Last night was very painful for me. My schnauzer Zackie died suddenly. He was the funniest, most loving dog I've ever had the honor to love. My story about Zackie made him that much more special to me ~ and the loss that much more painful. Zackie was a gift.
In 2008 Ken & I put a bid in on a house we liked. It wasn't exactly everything we wanted but for me it held something dear. Years earlier my first husband, Randy's dad and I looked at this exact house to buy. Randy had been in this house. We didn't purchase because at that time, it was just too small for what we needed. So when I drove by and saw the for sale sign my heart skipped a beat. We placed a bid and it was accepted. I knew I wanted a dog as soon as we got a house and I knew I wanted to rescue one who needed love. I went on our local petfinder site that has rescues from the area. I had it in my mind I wanted this little dog - maybe a Maltese or a yorkie. I clicked my way though the pages and saw this grey schnauzer with his head tilted slightly to the side, big brown eyes and almost seemed to be smiling. I kept looking but my search kept turning up this guy. I read his bio and saw they had named his Zackie. Warmed my heard because I wanted to name Randy Lee Zackary but his dad didn't like the name. I read his story, laughed at the sight of this dog taking himself in out of the cold at a local store via electronic doors time after time. The shelter was contacted and he was placed in a foster home. I wanted him -- those eyes -- something about those eyes. So I inquire about him and was told that another family had actually made plans to pick him up the next day.
Well, a few days later the bid fell though and we were on the look for a house again. Then we were contacted that the other bid couldn't come up with the financing and if we were still interested the seller was ready to move and needed it sold ASAP. Then I got an email that the other family didn't work out for Zackie and if we wanted to meet him, we could.
Signed the papers for the house on March 11 (Ken's birthday) and 4 days later Zackie came home. It was the day before the anniversary of Randy's dealh and I was struggling. I had so much anxiety that I almost had them take Zackie away. He bounced into the house, ran right over to me past Ken and kissed me. He was home. No going back from here.
He would sit on my lap and look at me, loved me to rock him and he would just kiss me. He'd snuggle up to my neck and just lay there. He had the most calming effect over me. Any time I seemed to need comforting, when I was down about Randy, a bad day ... he was right there glued to me loving his mama and giving me those wonderful Zackie kisses that healed everything.
I knew the night he walked into the house what it was that pulled me to him. That first night - those big, beautiful, sad brown eyes ... just like Randy Lee's. Randy Lee would always kiss me on the left cheek when he hugged me. Zackie would crawl up on me with his paws on each side of my shoulders and kiss me on the left cheek. Whenever he kissed Ken = it was always on the ear. LOL I don't believe Zackie was Randy but I do think Randy steered me to him because he knew he was exactly what I needed.
As the time went by I noticed Zackie was always right there when I was sad, thinking of Randy. When I needed someone to cuddle or just cry into --- Zackie was content to just sit on my lap and love me. When I had a moment where all seemed lost ... no sense to go on ... Zackie was there and didn't leave my side. Sick, sad, happy - he was my shadow.
When I came home from work last night, I noticed how sad he looked just since that morning. Ken had been feeding him all day w/ an eye dropper of pedialite to get fluids into him since he refused to eat. He drank some broth but no food. Just the day before he was meeting me at the door and running through the yard. I picked him up and cuddled him while we rocked for a bit. He was restless and seemed to want down. I kissed him like I always did and whispered into his ear that I loved him so very much. He kissed my hand because he couldn't lift his head. He layed down on his big pillow and went to sleep. I couldn't take my eyes off him and I had this terrible panic feeling. I watched him breath and it was so heavy then it slowed and he was gone.
I was not Zackie's owner, he was not my dog - he was my furbaby. He was my baby. He brought me so much joy, so much strength for the short 5 yrs we had him that I know I will never have that again. I trust that he is with Randy Lee now - my God allows all creatures into heaven so I know they found each other until I get there.
Zackie was sent to me as a gift - a reason no other than I neeeded him at that moment. He filled a hole in my heart just a bit and made things managable when it came to missing Randy Lee. And now he's gone.
Zackie's passing has brought back the pain of losing Randy to the surface again. Not that it ever left but some days it's not as crushing as it is today. I know I'm sad and upset but I also know .... signs, signs, everywhere there's signs. I've been blessed with Gifts from Randy from beyond the grave in the form of my bonus son Jason, his fiancee', Zackie, chance meetings or messages so I beleive .. I have no doubt who or what I need now will find me.
Sorry to ramble but it's been a long 24 hrs and holding it together today at work was a bit challenging. To Zackie I say good-bye by baby and to Randy I say keep him safe until I am with you both again. XOXOXOX
Replies
So sorry about your furbaby,,,,, I cry with you,,,
I am so sorry for your loss of Zackie. He sounds like just the therapy you needed when your Randy first was gone. My heart is sad for your fur baby. I also am comforted by my son\'s lab. She is ten years old now and I know our time together is growing short. I too hope Zackie and Randy are together sharing the love you had for them. XOXO, Debbie
I am sorry about Zackie. I lost a son too in August 2009. My birthstone is an amethyst and I absolutely love dogs. I think Josh had a hand in bring me a Tibetan Spaniel almost a year ago. The dinner is almost done so I hate to cut this short.
Sending love your way,
Leda
What an amazing story!! I SO believe Randy orchestrated it all! The house, Zackie coming into your life, and of course those kisses on the left cheek were directed by Randy....his way of getting to kiss you as he always had before. Just amazing!
I believe! I believe! I believe!
I am so very sorry little Zackie\'s time on earth has now ended. I know your heart is crushed. Our furry kids fill our lives with so much love and joy....never taking the place of our Randy\'s or our Kala\'s of course, but SO helping us to have someone to touch, to talk to, to love in the physical which helps our healing process so very much. That\'s what I told my husband after losing Kala when I decided to get a dog......\"I just need to be somebody\'s mommy again\".
Gentle hugs and so much love being sent to you today sweetie as you struggle and find your way once again. I love what you said about Zackie coming at the right time and how now what/who you need will come into your life. I love that outlook, that expectation of and acceptance of what\'s next being what we need. I believe when we open ourselves up to the possibilities, we are often amazed by what/who shows up. Never replacing, but always adding too.
Love and hugs~~Teri
Oh, that dear Zackie... I\'m so sorry my friend and love hearing about him and how he wiggled his way into your heart.
I have no doubts that our fur babies will be waiting and so will Zackie. I\'m sure Randy Lee was there to scoop him up and scratch him under the ear and the love fest began.
Feel all that you need to as you are and I think one of the hardest things we are asked to do is to say good-bye to our beloved animals.
Loving hugs and care for your tender heart.
I\'m sorry...
XO Joanie
What a wonderful story, what a wonderful Zackie. All dogs go to Heaven. He is most certainly there with Randy with a brand new healthy body. My \"Tiny\" was a rescue dog also and died in my arms. I know the sadness you are now feeling but you gave Zackie such a wonderful 5 years. Love and hugs coming your way. Katrina