a good front ...
My best friend Richard always says two things about me ~ that I don't know how to truly relax (he's right) and that I wear my heart on my sleeve. The second I beleive is simple a testement of how close we are because most people can't read me or ever see when I'm struggling. I have another friend who tells me "you hide behind a wall and put on a good front". That, I believe.
I don't allow many to see the real me. Fear of being hurt, having to explain, I don't know why - I just don't share that with many. Writing is somehow easier - there's a computer between us. Maybe it's a safety thing ... I just know in the past 10 years the wall is higher and thicker.
July has been a hectic month. Not something I enjoy. Once I loved to do social get togethers, be running my entire weekend from here or there, sometimes more than one event a day. Now ~ the quiet of my own room, comfort of my own bed, snuggling a puppy is much more my speed.
Family reunion went well. Always good to see family that lives far away. Was nice to hear all the feedback for my 100 lb weightloss ... and more to go. I am truly blessed but my family. They show me how famiy is so much more than bloodlines. This is actually my step moms side but they have always embraced me and we are truly family. Much love there.
We had a reunion of sorts from an elementary school I used to work at. A friend who taught kindergarten and I had the good fortune to be an IA in her room was in town from Florida. About 20 of us got together. It was nice to see everyone but in the back of my mind I felt sad knowing how different I am now then I was 12 years ago when I was with them. I did get to talk to and connect again with a friend who I had a disagreement with shortly after Randy passed. She's my distant cousin and her daughter and Randy were very close. I don't remember the why but I know I have missed her and it was nice to chat and smile. She lost her son at the age of 17, 16 yrs ago. She recently lost her husband too. Sometimes it's good to realize you're a fool, smile, hug and know that people still love you even now. It was a nice night. I almost didn't go but at the last minute I decided to. I'm glad I did ~ even though it made me see how different I have become ... and not for the better in some cases.
My Bonus Son Jason married the love of his life Brandy on July 4th. They had their dream wedding - small and lowkey in central park New York. They took in the sights and watched the fireworks (Brandy loves fireworks :) ) Then family and friends all gathered last weekend for a reception to wish them a lifetime of love and laughter. It was really nice and I don't know why but that kid melts my heart. It was difficult too to see him have this milestone and Randy will forever be 18 but somehow I know Randy was smiling down at his friends and being happy for them as well. When Jason gave me a big hug and said "I love you Momma Dee" it melted my heart. So, bittersweet but I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I couldn't be more proud of the man he has become.
Today, my brother is getting married. He had a rough few years with a heart attack, divorcing after 23 yrs of marriage and some struggles with his kids trying to understand it all. He met Mandy and they are happy. She has a 10 year old daughter who is so thrilled to have a sister and 3 brothers now. I wish they well. We're headed oot to the event in a few minutes. Low key, family and friends. They're getting married along the river with a family style picnic following. Maybe it's the "country" in me but I like weddings that are more about the couple, family and love than those that feel so stuffy having to get the seating right, the pictures now, and are on a tight schedule. This is just "so them". It's a place they love, casual and celebrating their love. Now if the rain holds off ... :)
My Uncle was rushed to the hospital for what they thought was a heart attack. It wasn't but he's still weak and struggling to walk. He's home and hopefully will be back on his feet. Another uncle had surgery for throat cancer that reoccured. The bad news is they believe it is in other organs so we're waiting on those results. My best friend is really ill. They're not sure what it is. He called me the other night for a favor - like he has to ask. He wanted to know if I would take his dog if something should happen. He was his mom's pup and she's passed away. "He loves you so much, you're so good with him and I know you'll take care of him like he deserves. I can't let him go without because mom loved him so". Broke my heart - of course I'll do this. Just praying really hard and often that these 3 are guided by God along the path they are to travel and that they have smooth walks to whatever the destination will be.
I still haven't figured out why my depression is so long this time. I'm still struggling with it daily. I'm working too much (80 hr weeks) and never seem to rest. Sleep is not something that is happening much and when I do it's not restful. I'm still losing weight -- woo hoo on that but even that is a struggle.
Cry ... laugh .... celebrate ..... miss ..... remember ..... July has been one heck of a month!
I don't allow many to see the real me. Fear of being hurt, having to explain, I don't know why - I just don't share that with many. Writing is somehow easier - there's a computer between us. Maybe it's a safety thing ... I just know in the past 10 years the wall is higher and thicker.
July has been a hectic month. Not something I enjoy. Once I loved to do social get togethers, be running my entire weekend from here or there, sometimes more than one event a day. Now ~ the quiet of my own room, comfort of my own bed, snuggling a puppy is much more my speed.
Family reunion went well. Always good to see family that lives far away. Was nice to hear all the feedback for my 100 lb weightloss ... and more to go. I am truly blessed but my family. They show me how famiy is so much more than bloodlines. This is actually my step moms side but they have always embraced me and we are truly family. Much love there.
We had a reunion of sorts from an elementary school I used to work at. A friend who taught kindergarten and I had the good fortune to be an IA in her room was in town from Florida. About 20 of us got together. It was nice to see everyone but in the back of my mind I felt sad knowing how different I am now then I was 12 years ago when I was with them. I did get to talk to and connect again with a friend who I had a disagreement with shortly after Randy passed. She's my distant cousin and her daughter and Randy were very close. I don't remember the why but I know I have missed her and it was nice to chat and smile. She lost her son at the age of 17, 16 yrs ago. She recently lost her husband too. Sometimes it's good to realize you're a fool, smile, hug and know that people still love you even now. It was a nice night. I almost didn't go but at the last minute I decided to. I'm glad I did ~ even though it made me see how different I have become ... and not for the better in some cases.
My Bonus Son Jason married the love of his life Brandy on July 4th. They had their dream wedding - small and lowkey in central park New York. They took in the sights and watched the fireworks (Brandy loves fireworks :) ) Then family and friends all gathered last weekend for a reception to wish them a lifetime of love and laughter. It was really nice and I don't know why but that kid melts my heart. It was difficult too to see him have this milestone and Randy will forever be 18 but somehow I know Randy was smiling down at his friends and being happy for them as well. When Jason gave me a big hug and said "I love you Momma Dee" it melted my heart. So, bittersweet but I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I couldn't be more proud of the man he has become.
Today, my brother is getting married. He had a rough few years with a heart attack, divorcing after 23 yrs of marriage and some struggles with his kids trying to understand it all. He met Mandy and they are happy. She has a 10 year old daughter who is so thrilled to have a sister and 3 brothers now. I wish they well. We're headed oot to the event in a few minutes. Low key, family and friends. They're getting married along the river with a family style picnic following. Maybe it's the "country" in me but I like weddings that are more about the couple, family and love than those that feel so stuffy having to get the seating right, the pictures now, and are on a tight schedule. This is just "so them". It's a place they love, casual and celebrating their love. Now if the rain holds off ... :)
My Uncle was rushed to the hospital for what they thought was a heart attack. It wasn't but he's still weak and struggling to walk. He's home and hopefully will be back on his feet. Another uncle had surgery for throat cancer that reoccured. The bad news is they believe it is in other organs so we're waiting on those results. My best friend is really ill. They're not sure what it is. He called me the other night for a favor - like he has to ask. He wanted to know if I would take his dog if something should happen. He was his mom's pup and she's passed away. "He loves you so much, you're so good with him and I know you'll take care of him like he deserves. I can't let him go without because mom loved him so". Broke my heart - of course I'll do this. Just praying really hard and often that these 3 are guided by God along the path they are to travel and that they have smooth walks to whatever the destination will be.
I still haven't figured out why my depression is so long this time. I'm still struggling with it daily. I'm working too much (80 hr weeks) and never seem to rest. Sleep is not something that is happening much and when I do it's not restful. I'm still losing weight -- woo hoo on that but even that is a struggle.
Cry ... laugh .... celebrate ..... miss ..... remember ..... July has been one heck of a month!
Replies
Thank you dear friend for the update on all that\'s been happening in your world. Ups and downs, family and friends, new beginnings, old pains being released and new ground being found to stand on. All the while loving and missing your amazing son....
Yes, we cry, we laugh, we celebrate, we miss, and we remember....
Sending lots of love and tight heart hugs~~Teri
So good to hear from you!
I hope August proves to be a better month for you. Ahhhh....those dreaded ups & downs can definitely take a toll on us. Getting some rest & sleep would probably be so helpful to you. My husband & I go through sleep issues from time to time also. We have found 1 tablet of Melatonin helps with our sleep. You can find it even at Walmart where the herbal tablets are.
Bunch of Hugs coming to you dear friend.....Vicki
What a July it has been for you indeed. Wow!!!
I appreciated you catching me up and you have had many heart connections too. Those can take much of the emotional reserves I have discovered so hope you can figure out how to get some more rest and fill yourself back up.
WTG with the significant shedding you have been doing and I\'m sure you must feel so much lighter on all levels of your being.
You continue to take good care of yourself and I have no doubt that Randy knows your heart and is cheering you on...
Heartfelt (((hugs)))
XO Joanie