A Glimmer of Goodness
It has been hard to find time sandwiched in-between everything that is going on here in mom's life ending. Some amazing moments are occurring. A few days ago, a melt down for both of us - in reaction to a militant Occupational Therapist who was from the Eastern Block...a Slav with an aggressive attitude. She was pushing my mom too hard and the day was already filled with nurses and PT's and helpers coming and going and well it is like this revolving door that shoots bullets towards my mom and her restfulness. So she gave me the stink eye that resulted in me turning into a four year old and I bawled like a little girl who's momma was upset with her, instead of a 47 year old woman who is tired from all the stress of a dying mother. With in twenty four hours the Eastern Block Aggro OT was replaced by another person we will meet next week and mom became her own puddle when she apologized to me over and over and over again...in the most kindest and sweetest of ways. In a voice that was as soft as a feather, in a forgiveness bubble that never pops....it was all good it was all love and it was from heaven.
But time is standing still or hovering above a heart beat. I feel as if my life has stopped and I am suspended here indefinitely in order to serve and protect, and love and say goodbye to the woman I have come to adore while alive here together.
My husband is here and will be leaving soon to deliver a car to our daughter in CA. She is 18 and needs to get off the mountain where we live and we will be traveling back and forth as time progresses...now I insist my husband leave so he can concentrate on Kira, not me...our daughter needs him, she was gone all summer working as a camp counselor, and now she needs a parental figure to ground her as she embarks on college in a week or so. It is all so much at once.
But as I type, my mom sleeps soundly. She has rallied a bit today. We took her to see the oncologist and he was impressed with her weight gain...(4 lbs) - and is still going to keep her on IV fluids at home...which I will administer tomorrow morning. The medicines are around the clock, and early at times...Her Tarceva is taken at 6 and the time schedule goes in intervals all day long. So today, she walked on her own with the walker, we went to the docs, she sat in the TV Room and ate two HUGE meals...and drank water, and other fluids. Her mood was good, her color good and her humor fantastic.
We closed the evening as I flushed her mid line...she telling me how much she thought of me, and me telling her with tears rolling down my cheeks about how much I adore and admire her...and all I am is because of her...it is a festival of love, it is pain and joy at the same time. It is life mixed with grit. And it is all a part of the complexity of existence.
I have no idea how long I will be here...I just know it is Gods time, not my time. I surrender to Him.
But time is standing still or hovering above a heart beat. I feel as if my life has stopped and I am suspended here indefinitely in order to serve and protect, and love and say goodbye to the woman I have come to adore while alive here together.
My husband is here and will be leaving soon to deliver a car to our daughter in CA. She is 18 and needs to get off the mountain where we live and we will be traveling back and forth as time progresses...now I insist my husband leave so he can concentrate on Kira, not me...our daughter needs him, she was gone all summer working as a camp counselor, and now she needs a parental figure to ground her as she embarks on college in a week or so. It is all so much at once.
But as I type, my mom sleeps soundly. She has rallied a bit today. We took her to see the oncologist and he was impressed with her weight gain...(4 lbs) - and is still going to keep her on IV fluids at home...which I will administer tomorrow morning. The medicines are around the clock, and early at times...Her Tarceva is taken at 6 and the time schedule goes in intervals all day long. So today, she walked on her own with the walker, we went to the docs, she sat in the TV Room and ate two HUGE meals...and drank water, and other fluids. Her mood was good, her color good and her humor fantastic.
We closed the evening as I flushed her mid line...she telling me how much she thought of me, and me telling her with tears rolling down my cheeks about how much I adore and admire her...and all I am is because of her...it is a festival of love, it is pain and joy at the same time. It is life mixed with grit. And it is all a part of the complexity of existence.
I have no idea how long I will be here...I just know it is Gods time, not my time. I surrender to Him.
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