A gift ...
I have a gift from my son who passed away 10 years ago ... one I call my bonus son. Randy Lee met Jason in high school. They were so much alike and sadly, some of the same addictions. They even resemble one another enough others would think they were actual brothers.
Jason re-entered my life at a very needed time after Randy had passed away ~ one that we later realized was a gift to both of us. I know Randy had a hand in placing Jason in my life at that very needed moment and for many times since, I have been quite thankful for him. Thus, he is my bonus son.
Saturday was a very special day for Jason. He asked his girlfriend to marry him. A step he never thought he would ever be at and one just 3 yrs ago none of use thought he would see. She said yes and I am so very happy for both of them. Along with the happiness is that twinge of sadness of knowing I will never see Randy Lee propose to his love, get married, have a family ... he was gone too early for that.
I am blessed because this lovely young woman - who Randy knew since kindergarten understands the bond Jason and I have. She shares their joys and lives with me and I am truly blessed and thankful for that.
Jason has 2 years sober and I am so proud of him. He struggle with so many demons ~ some of the same as I have. He felt he could have ... should have saved Randy Lee having been at the same party that night. I can remember him crying tome that he could have saved him had he just not left. I never blamed him - how could he blame himself? Shortly after that talk, he found the path to sobriety.
The day a few months after Randy Lee died I was in a local market. I felt lost and nothing seemed to click for me. I had just started a new job, one I felt I had been led to at a psych rehab yet I still couldn't kick the feeling. I truly wanted to die ~ probably the closest I have ever been to that in my life. I knew in my heart suicide was a sin .... and I so wanted to see Randy Lee again. Then I rounded the corner to the next aisle and there stood Jason. We chatted a few minutes, he hugged me and whispered in my ear that Randy loved me, that he knew. Simple thing but so needed.
I sat and cried on and off Saturday ~ tears of happiness for Jason & Brandy and sadness for myself, for Randy. I know Randy will be right there with Jason on that special day, celebrating with his "brother" and smiling that wonderful smile he had.
yet another milestone untraveled ....
Jason re-entered my life at a very needed time after Randy had passed away ~ one that we later realized was a gift to both of us. I know Randy had a hand in placing Jason in my life at that very needed moment and for many times since, I have been quite thankful for him. Thus, he is my bonus son.
Saturday was a very special day for Jason. He asked his girlfriend to marry him. A step he never thought he would ever be at and one just 3 yrs ago none of use thought he would see. She said yes and I am so very happy for both of them. Along with the happiness is that twinge of sadness of knowing I will never see Randy Lee propose to his love, get married, have a family ... he was gone too early for that.
I am blessed because this lovely young woman - who Randy knew since kindergarten understands the bond Jason and I have. She shares their joys and lives with me and I am truly blessed and thankful for that.
Jason has 2 years sober and I am so proud of him. He struggle with so many demons ~ some of the same as I have. He felt he could have ... should have saved Randy Lee having been at the same party that night. I can remember him crying tome that he could have saved him had he just not left. I never blamed him - how could he blame himself? Shortly after that talk, he found the path to sobriety.
The day a few months after Randy Lee died I was in a local market. I felt lost and nothing seemed to click for me. I had just started a new job, one I felt I had been led to at a psych rehab yet I still couldn't kick the feeling. I truly wanted to die ~ probably the closest I have ever been to that in my life. I knew in my heart suicide was a sin .... and I so wanted to see Randy Lee again. Then I rounded the corner to the next aisle and there stood Jason. We chatted a few minutes, he hugged me and whispered in my ear that Randy loved me, that he knew. Simple thing but so needed.
I sat and cried on and off Saturday ~ tears of happiness for Jason & Brandy and sadness for myself, for Randy. I know Randy will be right there with Jason on that special day, celebrating with his "brother" and smiling that wonderful smile he had.
yet another milestone untraveled ....
Replies
What a beautiful gift Jason is to you...and you to him. I too am so proud of his sobriety and am excited he and Brandy will soon be married....and OH MY, BRANDY....even her name includes Randy!!! I love it! So glad she is open and lovingly invites you to join in their joys.
And though I personally do not believe suicide is a sin....it is an illness....I am very grateful that you chose to not end your earth life. I too made that decision one horrible, lonely night... And I am grateful too that in that time, Jason \"magically\" appeared in that store to whisper what you needed to hear most.....that Randy loves you and that he knows. Simple, perhaps, yet so profound!
My best wishes for Jason and Brandy for a future filled with love, joys, adventure, and life lessons which bring peace and happiness with as little hurt as possible.
Tight hugs sweet friend~~Teri
Grateful for sobriety and for the gift of Jason. I believe there are many that are needed in our village and to be able to share this bond with him is such a blessing for both of you. An earth angel sent by Randy Lee at just the perfect right time.
Happy Jason has found love and that your village will be growing and I understand those pangs of sadness that enter in when we see others doing what our children will never be able to. It is a heartstring puller...
I know I had a moment too when I thought I could check off. What stopped me was knowing the fall out that I would leave behind and that is when I knew I needed to be able to voice it and to seek help. What I had been doing was no longer serving me and I had to step it up a major notch or two. If the truth be known among us I believe many of us have had these moments of when the fight to stay here just feels overwhelming and we grow so very tired and weary of it that we think it might just be easier to join our children. I know and I understand what you are describing.
Loving care to you this day and I am enjoying getting to know you and your wonderful family. Keep writing and sharing as you are.
Hugs, Joanie
It is painful to also lose what would have come into our child\'s life. For me, it is grandchildren and the joys that would have come with that.
Oddly, my younger son and I both suffer from depression. We discussed suicide many times in our lifetime and had a pact that we would get help for each other if we were truly suicidal. After Josh died all thoughts of suicide left bot of us. We could never do it because we could not cause other family members such pain! I have seen many mothers on fmo who want to die after a child dies. This loss is so painful!
Sending love your way,
Leda