A Different Perspective
Today I had a thought I want to share. There are some things we can't control, otherwise there would be no reason for this group. We can control how we react to the things we can't control. I am not saying that we can turn off our grief, but what if we just adjust our perception slightly... There was only one thing I was more afraid of than losing Cassi...I guess I had forgotten about it. I was terrified of something happening to me!...leaving Cassi behind to make her way in this world without me! She was/is 22 years old and tried very hard to establish her independence... but she needed me. About 10 years ago I bought a Life Insurance policy for $500,000 with her as the only beneficiary...with my mother overseeing it until she turned 18. I was so afraid of even the possibility of her having to navigate life, this life without me. The money gave me a small sense of peace...if something happened to me I would have at least known that she was taken care of financially...She would still have her father and grandparents but it would have been something she would never have to worry about, money. It would not have taken the place of me, but it would have been something.
She is fine, she is happy and healthy now...I am the one having to carry on without her. So it's something I am grateful for...she didn't have to lose me.
She is fine, she is happy and healthy now...I am the one having to carry on without her. So it's something I am grateful for...she didn't have to lose me.
Replies
Thanks Gina for sharing. I really never thought about Lisa coping without me - I suspect she would have been devastated.
You are right; we can only control how we react to a situation. Unfortunately, I have reacted badly. I am getting better at choosing positivity now. But it still isn\'t easy.
What a caring mother you are. I know Cassi knows how much you cared for and about her.
Our girls are indeed happy and healthy now.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
My girls join with yours at peace and no suffering. I too never thought of this possibility. Like you Marlene, I want to have positive in my life. Hoping and giving it my best foot forward. You all help me so very much. Love to you, Kathy
Thank you for the wisdom. I am forever trying to find the \"good\" in the painful journey and this is one I had not thought of. It warms my heart that you are looking for positives. Love, Lauri
Gina. I am so sorry that you lost your daughter. There is nothing worse than losing a child. My daughter, Jackie was 30 when she took her life. It was 3 years ago. And I. Still have a problem saying suicide. She was sick with headaches (like migraines) but they never went away. The Dr. Called it NDPH.New Daily Persistent Headaches. She had a lot of medical problems and suffered for two years. If you read my journals you will see how I wanted to kill myself. I didn\'t want to go on. HOW DO WE LIVE. We do. My heart is eternally broken. I could go on and on about everything we go through. The ups and downs, the triggers that set us off, like a song, a smell, a picture etc. But you have joined the perfect site. All the moms here (our sisters) are so compassionate and loving. They got me through many nights of crying. Just writing in my journal and posting helped because I knew the next day I would here from them. We will never ever get over this loss but it will get better. I saw a therapist for a while and I am on medication. I believe that if I stopped the meds I wouldn\'t be able to go on. I have a son and grandchildren and I could never do that to them. Gina. I hope you have a good support group, family and friends. My heart breaks for you because I know what you are going through. If you ever want to talk message me. Suicide brings up a lot of questions. We can go through this together. CRY, SCREAM, DO ANYTHING TO HELP WITH THE PAIN. Forever your friend. Gail
Thank you for a very thought provoking journal, Gina. I always go back to the word \"acceptance\". For that is how I live my life now \"the after\". Acceptance for that which I had no control over and could not/cannot change. One of the hard things I had to do after my son\'s death was to change all my beneficiary allocations to 100% to my remaining son. That hurt. Like, geez, I was planning on my children being okay financially after my death, but now...Well you know. Cassi is fine and healthy now and wants you to be as well.
Peace.
Gina, I appreciate this perspective so much! When Ed was younger I used to worry that if I should die first my ex-husband would get custody of him. I didn\'t want that because the ex has so many issues. Once he turned 18 I was relieved. Over the years Ed and I discussed my will etc. and he always hated to discuss me leaving this world. And when he became a dad he said, \"Mom, I don\'t know what I\'d do if I lost one of my kids.\" So as you said, my son did not have to grieve me or one of his children. Cassi and Ed know this world is temporal and that we will be together for eternity. Thank you for this unique perspective. Very helpful. Love to you and dearest Cassi, Linda
This is so helpful to read and yes, a reframing can change everything. You had prepared so well for Cassi and she knows.
I appreciate reading this today and will be pondering...