A broken heart never fully mends ...

I am very good at hiding myself, the real me from others. Few people see beyond my walls I've created and I like it that way. I choose to distance myself in certain areas of my life and I've always done that. Maybe it's a defense mechanism or maybe it's a way to just limit not only who gets in but what gets out. 
As I've said I've done this my entire life. There have only been a handful of people who ever saw enough of me to know this, far less that I dropped those walls around. After Randy Lee died, the wall just was added to higher, deeper. I can't say 100% I've let anyone totally in since then. 
Christmas was always magical in my life. My Grandma loved it and always, always went over the top on decorations, food, get togethers - all of it. My dad's birthday is 12/22 and he loved the holidays as did my step mom. Some of my best memories of him are from Christmas. I always made it a big thing for Randy Lee ~ took after my Grandma on that one. The year he was in rehab was hard. I felt guilty because he wasn't listening to us, he was still doing the things he claimed he wasn't and I made one of the toughest decisions a mom can make. I made him accountable for his actions. I had him arrested, he went to a detention unit for teens with alcohol & drug issues. Sadly, while there his best friend was killed in an automobile accident. Had Randy Lee not been there, he would more than likely have been with Mark since they worked together and he was coming home from work. Drugs were involved. Mark's dad's first words to him at the funeral I worked so hard to have him be allowed to attend were "your mom saved your life". Randy Lee never got over that loss- it ate at him. 
Now, I dread the holidays. I love fall, I always have - it's been my favorite time of year. This year all I could think of was how much closer it was becoming to Christmas. The closer it became the more I struggled with being calm with it all. I'm beyond stressed this year. I can't seem to keep it all together. I'm putting on the brave face at work but all that happens is the guilt, the anger, the sadness just builds up and I'm not exactly the nicest person to be around these days. Everything, I mean everything is getting to me. 
I'm not processing well this year. I'm not sure I'll have a personal life after this holiday. I'm not even sure it's what I want. Maybe my anger is just letting me vent what I've been holding in so long. Damn religious upbringing and values instilled over a lifetime because there are moments dying seems easy. I've never been like this. 
I help people - I'm an advocate for parents and teens to become educated and find the help needed. I work every day with people who need that helping hand and I do it without thought of what it is for me. I do it in memory of Randy Lee .... for him ... for all the help he didn't get. I make a difference and I've very grateful to God for that opportunity. 
In my personal life ... I don't know any more. I don't know who I am, what I want, why my anger is back ... I just don't know..............