Confused
Well Bret sent us an email saying he wanted no more contact, and not to ever send presents, and that he hadn't even given Jackson the presents we did send. Then of course he berated us for not caring and not coming to see them, which of course is a lie because we were all set to go when she told us to stay away. And he said we didn't care because we never asked for photos, which again is a lie because when he was here in May I practically begged him for a photo of the newest baby to add to my family wall. He kept saying how he didn't' want any more drama, and his marriage is so good now, and to leave them alone. What drama have I caused? If he truly means it and doesn't want contact and no drama, then why send that email. Everything HAS been calm and peaceful and there HAS BEEN NO CONTACT! So what is the point? And if he really feels like that about us, why did he come in May to see us and act so sweet and loving? It is like he just suddenly decided to pick a fight with us or something. I mean if things can't be normal with him, I just wish he would leave us alone in peace and stop picking at us. When I got that email I felt just sick and my stomach and I had been having such a good few weeks, happy and content with my life, and my other three grandchildren. Why does he do this?
Replies
Well, I appreciate the respect you have given my thought. Respect of people we disagree with, when the reason we disagree is a principle we hold, such as a commandment, is not easy. But people require respect to be healthy, so to withhold respect based on an abstraction, which a belief is, really means we probably can not have a healthy relationship and we may pose psychological risks to those \"non-abstractions,\" people we may love, because we may harm them if we do not respect them, unless they get help to deal with that. Again, I am not competent to help you with this, but I know you can talk to someone who will be able to help you sort it out. It does seem that this may get to the heart of a conflict within you. You do not want to harm your son, and yet your present stance of not respecting him, may mean he would need lots of help to withstand that pain.
You may have stumbled on the answer to what happened in May or between May and September. You may have communicated, even non-verbally, your belief that he had broken a principle that he had been raised on and that he would have to earn back your respect.
This could be a positive sign that he is not mentally ill, and that repair-work can be done between you two, if you are able to re-consider your position (while being perfectly honest about that), and he at some point is able to give you another chance. Our values are extremely important, I know. You may choose not to try to re-think this value.You mentioned when we first began to write in this journal that sometimes something works (to help you feel better, I think) and then it doesn\'t work anymore. I have wondered several times what you were remembering when you wrote that. I don\'t know if it was a concrete action, like taking long walks, or a therapeutic practice or a philosophy or what. But it strikes me that if a belief like honor the parents is too rigid, it may no longer do what it was intended to do. Perhaps it was intended to keep families together, I don\'t know. But it was probably never meant to keep families apart. I am not sure that forgiveness works, either. Forgiveness says you were wrong, and I allow you to return if we agree you were wrong. But maybe the rule just doesn\'t apply at all in this case. Maybe there were too many variables to make it possible for the rule to apply. If that is true, to say you forgive is just an insult. Does this make any sense to you?
Nothing makes any sense to me right now. The part I meant about things working, and then not always working....that referred to things like deep breathing when I feel overwhelmed with anxiety. Or taking a bubble bath, or a walk, or listening to music. Sometimes those things work for awhile, and sometimes not. That is what I meant. The thing is...Bret himself has come to us several different times asking us for help, and saying how sorry he was, and that we were right all along. So I just don\'t really know how saying \"I respect your decision\" would help anything. What decision? His decision has waffled back and forth. And really we aren\'t asking for anything. We have not made any demands or any \"pick us or her\" type statements. So if his current decision is no contact with us, well he doesn\'t have to worry, we won\'t make a peep. But he has done this before, and sooner or later, he will pop back in like nothing happened. That is what is hard to take.
Yes, I can well imagine this, and I get into my head and write things that I am thinking, and I am so very sorry if I added to your confusion. You really deserve some very good, competent help. You have so many other resources, so maybe you could go out and find someone to really help you sort it all out to add another element to your support system and healthy routines. As I said earlier, it is partly about going to a certain place at a certain time and getting undivided attention to the nuts and bolts of this dilemma, one step at a time, by a professional. It is a matter of working out a way to think about it, really, a very concrete method of tackling the thoughts that cause pain and confusion. You would be in charge completely of how much time you would spend, and some people do phone consults first to see how that goes. I think you could get to a point where you could be less hurt by the coming and going, although you are doing really well most all the time now. I could easily imagine that I would be so on edge if my son might show up or send an email at any moment, not knowing what accusation he might level at me. I totally agree about the meds not being a good solution, and a clear mind on such a thorny matter also doesn\'t come from relaxation techniques and exercise or even spiritual teachings when you are working on an very, very specific set of circumstances, or so I believe. The spiritual teachings and relaxation and other methods are valid, but they are meant for everyone and there are times like these when we need to be seen in terms of our specific set of thoughts about a specific set of circumstances. At least I think so. I guess it is good to know at least that there may be something out there that you haven\'t tried that may really put your mind at rest, even if you are not in so much distress that you want to go to the bother right now. And there are some good books. I have one called Get out of your mind and into your Life, the new Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, by Steven C. Hayes and Spencer Smith. But again a book is written for everyone, and to me it just isn\'t as good as a one-on- one consultation. You could also learn a lot about ACT on Amazon by reading the \"look inside\" parts of books about it, and reading the comments of customers. It will give you a taste. I see you as just so lovely and really polished and privileged that it seems only natural that you would have the best help possible, just as you probably buy the nicest clothes and get your hair cut at really good salons, etc. Take such good care of yourself! You will do even more than the already wonderful things you already do for those who are in your orbit, too, when you are more clear about what to think, just by being a happier you.
You have made many valid points and offered a lot of resources for me to check into. We will just see how it goes. Right now I am doing ok. Well, more than ok. I was a basket case the day he actually sent me the email, but I am feeling much better. LIke I said, though, I am sure he will be back in some shape or form. Either an email, text, or drop in visit. And then we will start the merry go round all over again. It would be nice to have some defense against those times, like one of the books or ACT therapy or something, although if future patterns continue like they have been, my initial distress, although huge, isn\'t long lasting, thank goodness. I guess one or two days of OMG! isn\'t so bad, especially since they are spaced by months. Anyway, thank you so much for your thoughts on all of this. But I do feel much better now!
I am glad to hear it, and thank you, too.