Confused
Well Bret sent us an email saying he wanted no more contact, and not to ever send presents, and that he hadn't even given Jackson the presents we did send. Then of course he berated us for not caring and not coming to see them, which of course is a lie because we were all set to go when she told us to stay away. And he said we didn't care because we never asked for photos, which again is a lie because when he was here in May I practically begged him for a photo of the newest baby to add to my family wall. He kept saying how he didn't' want any more drama, and his marriage is so good now, and to leave them alone. What drama have I caused? If he truly means it and doesn't want contact and no drama, then why send that email. Everything HAS been calm and peaceful and there HAS BEEN NO CONTACT! So what is the point? And if he really feels like that about us, why did he come in May to see us and act so sweet and loving? It is like he just suddenly decided to pick a fight with us or something. I mean if things can't be normal with him, I just wish he would leave us alone in peace and stop picking at us. When I got that email I felt just sick and my stomach and I had been having such a good few weeks, happy and content with my life, and my other three grandchildren. Why does he do this?
Replies
I am very sad to hear this. Who wouldn\'t be torn up? It\'s out of the blue and would be very disturbing to anyone. I would need probably about three weeks to process this, or more, if it happened to me, and that is with the very competent help of my ACT therapist. If you can find an ACT therapist in your neck of the woods, she or he could help you process the thoughts that may be running through your mind. I know you have excellent friends and spiritual guidance, and I just mention the possibility of connecting to a professional in the business of helping people with specific thoughts. Meanwhile, keep writing if it helps you. Writing helps me a whole lot as well as talking with my husband. I just went through about a week of processing an exchange I had with a cousin who showed up out of the blue that I had met only twice before. He is tracking down all of his blood relatives and admonished me several times that I had not ever been in connection with some of my relatives, whom he had just uncovered himself. These adult relatives that I have never known are related to me but were given up for adoption when babies or toddlers by a very mentally ill person who died several years ago. Suddenly I was told it was my responsibility to connect with these unknown, adopted out adult children. This put me through the paces of thinking through the whole story of my relationship with their mother and my values and beliefs about how I want to live. The upshot is that I believe that kinship is as much about a state of mind as blood. After losing my beloved son in this estranged adult-child situation, I am not about to go hunting down new adult children, related by blood, that I have never known. Stressful. I say all this to let you know that I can just imagine the mental turmoil that you are in. You have just been shamed and accused of dereliction of duty. Your mind knows this is wrong but doubts and accusations assault you because you have a conscience. I wonder if you wrote back. I would not do that -- if I were acting rationally. At this point, you say you feel picked at, and anything you say to this sick adult child of yours invites more picking. I will probably write more but want to get this to you. I am feeling for you and glad you wrote. I needed to be \"reached out to\" today, needed contact. So sad for your present ordeal, though, and hope this is a bit helpful.
You described my feelings exactly. I know in my head what the truth is, but when he hurls those accusations about us \"not caring\" it just kills me and I start doubting everything. It\'s almost like he is trying to drive me crazy. And then the events that happened in the past, such as the wonderful visit in May, he acts like it never happened. When I try to ask him about it he clams up. I must confess I did respond back and I addressed each and every accusation by telling him it was lies and he knows it. I also asked him if he has multiple personalities now or what? I mean how can he do and say one thing, and then zero contact for months, and then drop a bomb of an email like that? Nothing makes sense. Thank you for listening.
I am so sad to hear of the pain that his accusations and estrangement have caused. If I recall correctly, you may have already reached the conclusion that the wife needs mental health treatment, and you may well conclude from this, since it makes no sense, that your son needs it as well. You naturally ask why and protest with the truth as you know it, but hit nothing but a wall of silence or more words that make no sense. I wish I understood it, but, of course, I have no education or experience in the field of psychology, except the reading I have been doing and the therapy I have been in since January. All I can offer is the suggestion to look into ACT. This is Acceptance Commitment Therapy, but they say \"act.\" It teaches a way of looking at our thoughts so that we aren\'t controlled by them, but this is not the same as squelching or condemning these thoughts. I am still working on putting what I have learned into practice because what we all know all too well is that the natural impulse is to be overtaken by a stream of painful thoughts and self-doubts, we who are the sad parents. On the other hand, this son of yours (and mine) are clearly also overtaken and convinced by their own stream of thinking that we are, in a word, bad. That is their story, and they are not just sticking to it, but also those thoughts are stuck in their heads. It looks to me like that is \"why\" your son \"reaches out\" to you in this way, this horrible way, because every so often, or recently, anyway, a thought about you gets in his head, and he has a negative thought-train that goes around and around in his head. It sounds to me like it drives him crazy and he has to let it out, so he contacts you and tells it to you. Maybe that gives him some relief, but it kills you, in a way. (It made me wish I was dead for real, but I know you are stronger than I was.) I hope you knew when I said I wouldn\'t have answered if I had been rational that I was thinking, \"but I probably would have answered because how could I have been completely rational under that kind of pressure?\" Eventually, hopefully, both of you will figure this out, and I don\'t mean that I think you will necessarily be reconnected, either. That may or may not happen, but to get better, I think, you may have to get the distance he says he wants, so he can not hurt you in this way again. This is a sickening experience to go through. I used to send my boy an email almost every week, hoping that I could say the right words to him to melt his heart, but I never heard a word. I sometimes wondered if he had his wife delete emails from me, so he would never have to see them. I wonder if you could figure some way that you don\'t have to see emails like this again. You could forward them (without reading them) to a trusted friend who could read them to determine if there was anything not harmful to you in them, maybe. Because I don\'t know how any of us can heal from the terror of estrangement-with-harsh- accusations if we don\'t have the space and time for our wounds to heal COMPLETELY. For me that has taken about a year and a half, with a really good therapist using a really good therapeutic discipline. It has succeeded in giving me back my full peace of mind where my son is concerned BUT he has not pulled out a gun loaded with accusations and killed me with it. What I wish for you is that you protect yourself from enduring this again and also relentlessly work on a therapeutic way of handling the way our minds work in the face of this kind of situation. You have a perfectly normal way of thinking, but as you see, in this case it doesn\'t help you. You feel almost crazy trying to sort it out, and wonder if perhaps he is trying to drive you crazy. I understand that completely. You may need, as I did, an environment once a week for an hour in which nothing but the painful thoughts you are dealing with are addressed. I wish I could give you that, but I know that you live in a place and have the means to do the work to find that person. You may not need it, but I am writing this to urge you to get it if you do. I know you have an amazing support system there with a loving family and friends and a church group. But this is as serious a problem as a physical illness, if your pain is anything like mine was, and you may need to be in a room with a person (mine is a social worker therapist) whose job is only to help with the thoughts that cause pain. Your boy, like mine, probably needs help. Unfortunately, we can\'t fix anyone but ourselves.
I referred to a \"completely\" healed wound from estrangement-with-accusations. I meant being in a mental space where you don\'t cry or obsess or feel unwell, and you may not be doing or feeling those things. I feel my wound has healed, but I do still feel vulnerable. My cousin admonished me a week and a half ago, and while I have slept well and gotten a little exercise since then, I have definitely been spending most of my time working my way through the thoughts that I had about my cousin\'s point of view instead of enjoying life. Last week my therapist asked me to recall how I felt when I first started therapy. Then he said, now think about how you feel now and imagine you felt twice as well. He believes I will get that much better. Wow, did that bring a smile to my face. I can scarcely imagine feeling that much better! Yet recalling how I felt when I started, I really had no idea I would feel so very okay as I do. I feel fine with the estrangement. It is okay with me. I could add it\'s too bad it had to be this way, but that seems so pointless. That seems like saying, \"It\'s too bad the sky isn\'t a deeper blue with a little purple in it.\" Just pointless and sort of ungrateful not to be glad to be alive and enjoying the sky since that is how it is, and nothing I can do will change it. I do hope the best for my son, but I fully accept responsibility for my own life and do not blame him for \"making\" me unhappy. He did what he had to do, and ugh. I was very unhappy, but now I am okay. I hope he is getting better in how he feels about himself because I can not imagine being happy if I felt the way he does, but it\'s his life. One thing I learned when I used to hang out on this web site a lot is that lots of people seem able to be full of anger and resentment and still enjoy themselves, so maybe our boys can, too. Who knows? I am not in a perfect place, because I am still learning. I didn\'t get up and do as much as I was doing before I let my cousin \"should\" me half to death with his obsession to connect with every person on the family tree. And ugh to the busy-body cousin. But he was doing what he felt he had to do. My job is to learn to spar and parry, psychologically speaking. A voice says something hurtful, and I step aside, psychologically, and let it go past me. It doesn\'t touch me. That has not happened yet, though. What I am doing is practicing. I am learning how to handle the pain or discomfort that comes my way, that I believe comes everybody\'s way on a regular basis. That seems to define the human condition -- we are vulnerable to different kinds of pain. Maybe it\'s like storms here in Louisiana or over in Texas or most places. We are either before a storm, after a storm, or in a storm. So get ready, endure, and be grateful for survival. Even better we can learn to smile or enjoy a few of the storms, like the cousin one. Foolish cousin. No deep pain there. And thank goodness there are fellow sufferers and kind people everywhere because there are so many really sick people in our society. And I don\'t blame them for their sickness. I think our society causes some of it. It is far too focused on certain kinds of success, wealth, entertainment, or constant distraction, including food and drink. There are too many left out of the party, and too many rude people at the party. I feel sorry for your and my sick sons. You and I are doing much better than they are, I think. But we have to work at it. At least I do. Thinking of you.
Well, if you want to know the honest truth, I hadn\'t been dwelling on him or the estrangement at all. I enjoyed the little visit in May, but I was careful to not read too much into it, and although I was somewhat disappointed he did not return my followup text, I was not surprised. And I have been doing so well and so very happy. My husband and oldest son are building a cabin in the woods of east Texas, and next month the entire family (minus Bret of course) is going to gather there to celebrate my son in law\'s birthday. I have started a new exercise routine where I do PiYo, spinning, and yoga, and I have found all of it to be very therapeutic and relaxing. In other words, I am HAPPY! Oh sure, if I let myself dwell on Bret, then I could get down in the dumps, but I just don\'t go there, and I count all my blessings, which are a lot. Everything was great, until he sent me that nasty email. When I saw it there in my inbox, I just felt a great unseen hand clamp over my throat. I mean I literally felt it. Just a horrible sinking feeling. And why? I know, I know, I shouldn\'t even ask why. And you are 100% correct...his wife has been diagnosed with a plethora of mental illnesses, but he has not. But I am certain there is something wrong with him. Is there a mental condition that you are aware of that the sufferer pretends certain events never happened? What is that called? Multiple personalities? Disassociative state? Because that is what he has. And I will do some research into the ACT. Thank you so much for all of your input. You are really so caring, and you have a wealth of knowledge in these areas. I mostly turn to my faith, which I could not have made it this far without.
The mental condition you are talking about may be called selective memory, but there are doubtless more specific terms that I don\'t know. It may be related to bi-polar disorder. I was reading recently about a syndrome (it may have been the bi-polar state) in which people tend to look only at the worst characteristics in others or only at the best characteristics, making others out to be terrible, even evil perhaps, or perfect, refusing to see that people have both strengths and weaknesses in their character and personality. I have often had a sinking feeling about my son\'s memory also. I wouldn\'t be surprised if a whole lot of estranged adult children haven\'t \"forgotten\" things that would interfere with the sad-sack stories of emotional abuse or callous parenting or whatever they feel they have suffered. Maybe they can\'t help it at this point. Maybe they can\'t see that that most people suffer from their parents\' imperfections, more or less. If the mind is not well, the dichotomy of good and evil as taught in some faiths might influence some people to see others in these stark terms even. I\'m glad you wrote back. I thought you were probably fine despite the revolting shock. I feel glad to hear of your new exercise regimen and the cabin plans. The trace in your writing that concerns me is that if you \"let [yourself] dwell on Brett\" you could \"get down in the dumps.\" That may suggest that you are white-knuckling, refusing to let yourself think about Bret and/or using busy-ness and exercise and gratitude practices to ward off or keep clear of the pain. IF that is the case, you know. You either feel clear and well deep down, or you don\'t let yourself go there, perhaps. You would not be human if Bret\'s email hadn\'t touched and hurt you. There is nothing wrong with asking why you were so hurt, either, or why Bret did it, just that there is no final answer to that question. \"Why\" leads on and on, but that is how our brains work. We want to know why. Except when there is enough pain or we have had enough of whatever pain there is, we finally want to say, how can I look at this and feel it is okay, rather than why is this. Thanks for your kind reception to my small efforts. I am glad you have your faith and the other comforts of your home. Plus your next trip!
I see your point about the \"white knuckling\"....I guess it could seem that I am just avoiding my feelings sometimes. But I really do talk it out with others quite a bit. I keep trying to rationalize why he is doing this, and like you said basically it boils down to he really thinks he is right. I get that part. The part that is baffling to me is the back and forth. I mean the whole visit in May, what was that about? If he really feels like this about us, why the nice visit? Those are the thoughts that spin my brain. Then I just have to realize he has a mental condition like you said. Thanks for writing.
Had a thought this morning about your situation that may possibly strike you as true and perhaps give you some comfort: I think you are extremely important to your son despite the fact that he has expressed this in a negative way. Yes, the kindly visit in May and the hateful email in September present disturbing extremes, but both convey that his connection to you is deep and heartbreaking, painful to a certain extent for both of you at this time. I think you\'ve got it now; he is split in a way that may be a mental illness. His mental state is certainly not very healthy, although you and I are in no position to determine how seriously ill he is. You believe his wife is \"certifiably\" ill, and he must see her in a totally accepting way, buying her points of view. This is very sad, but at least if you do accept mental illness as the cause of the swing between May\'s sweetness and September\'s hatefulness, you may be more at peace as far as self-examination and unanswered questions of why he is this way. Hate to broken-record, but actually a visit to a kindly mental health professional to discuss this could perhaps help you so much to get a grip on the agonizing question of what is wrong with Bret. I told my therapist how hurt I was that my son accused me of being mentally ill, and what the therapist said REALLY helped put my mind at ease. He said that when people are angry or upset with someone they know well, their minds may pick out a point to make against the other that they know from that person\'s history will cause that person the greatest amount of pain, regardless of how little truth there is in it. That registered as 100% true with me. This seems to be one of the ways the human brain works (and you can see it in the political arena as candidates pick at the weakest points of each other to cause as much damage to each other as possible), and it can be very ugly. Accusing you of not caring! That is why the rational thing is not to argue or protest ridiculous accusations by your son if they come up again and why ACT or another cognitive behavior therapy could help you straighten out the natural tendency to dispute a lie (even in your own head -- which must make you feel a little crazy) when your son states a lie as a truth. If you are totally aware of what is happening, perhaps all you would say is \"I know a really good person who might help you work on any thoughts you may have that are not helping you live each moment according to values you want to live by and I would be happy to help you get in to see that person\" or something. I guess I have fantasized being able to say something like that to my son, but fat chance. He shows his obsession with me by ignoring me, and I do think that may be true (but it is only a guess on my part). (I will mention it to my therapist today.) I realize you are doing well with all this and appreciate the opportunity to discuss the issues. When I find the piece about \"thinking in extremes\" I will send you the link. The thing is for people like you and me, I believe, it really can be helpful to have an authority, a person who has studied and has worked with a wide spectrum of the mentally ill to discuss these issues with. Personally I do not think I am sick because I see a therapist, but I do recognize that I could be healthier than I am. That might also be something I would say to my son; I would hope I would never say to him \"You are sick.\" I know how hurtful it is to hear that! But misery does interfere with the sense of how lucky we are to be alive and the ability to tackle life\'s challenges with a smile, so maybe we can find a place where our thinking can be examined and new ways of thinking can be suggested. An authority can help; a special place, the therapist\'s office, can help; personal attention can definitely help. Books and lecture halls don\'t give one a chance to explain the individual thoughts and details that make one feel known to another. I glimpse your life from words on the screen and a few pictures. I see you as young and very alive and active and vibrant and doing well and doing all sorts of interesting things in beautiful places, by the way. But when I start to write to you, I lose the sense of who you are, I\'m afraid, and I know I write from the point of few that is mine -- older, not so active or so well-positioned to do all you do. A pro, on the other hand, would constantly relate to you as you are on these matters, being used to relating to all sorts of different people on these matters. Btw, I really like my social worker with an MA. I tend to think of PHd\'s as over-stuffed with book-learning and often a bit warped by academic pressures-- and I spent a lifetime in universities!
You are so interesting to talk to. And I am sorry about the whole thing with your cousin...I was so busy writing about my saga I completely went over yours. Sorry about that. I have carefully read and re read all you have said, and about recognizing certain thoughts, and let the thoughts go past you. I do agree with this sort of thinking. And I agree, it is hard to \"know\" someone just by their profile on a screen. Usually I write the way I talk, though, so there is quite a lot of \"voice\" to my writings, or at least that is what others have said. Yes, you do sound like you have spent a lot of time in universities! You sound like a psychiatrist actually. Well, we all know there isn\'t one surefire way to handle any of this. And what works for awhile may not continue to work. The thing that has helped me is talking to family members, and God. I have considered seeing a professional, but I have heard such horror stories that it can be hard finding a good one, etc. My doctor prescribed Lexapro and I tried twice taking it, but it made me feel terrible so I stopped. I really don\'t want to try it a third time. That was right before we went to Ireland. And actually, I haven\'t needed it. My anxiety level has been just fine until this stupid email. One thing I did want to mention, though, is that yes she is certifiable mentally ill, and he knows it, but I would not necessarily say he thinks its ok for her to be that way. By that I mean when he came to us January a year ago and said he was divorcing and needed money, he said it was because \"she was so crazy he couldn\'t take it anymore\". So at least some part of him is not ok with her. That of course was history, but there have been many other instances where he would come to us crying because of some crazy antic she had done, and how he wanted go get away from her. Again, he created a lot of confusion in the whole \"cat and mouse\" game. Running to us crying about how bad she was and to help him, then we would commiserate, then he would run back to her. Anyway, thank you so much for all your help.
It has been nice exchanging notes with you. Thank you, too. My heart does go out to you thinking about you and your son and how it sounds like he is in such an uncomfortable place -- with a child and that wife. It seems that he might feel on a tight rope and maybe despite the fact that his marriage feels steady right now, he is tense or terrified that something might tip over the wife, who is not always balanced, or himself. Maybe his hurtful email was a quixotic attempt to slay all potential dragons that could possibly upset the fragile peace. My therapist refers often to psychological flexibility as a benchmark of mental health. He evokes the image of being able to move easily from one position or perspective as a measure of balance.(This morning I sent him a quote from Salman Rushdie that I will send to you on that subject.) He helps me see myself and others in different ways, from different perspectives. Today he helped me see that in a sad story I told him, it could have been told from a perspective in which I was a hero. That was very healing to hear and think over. He also helped me see my cousin from a different perspective. My therapist is really helping me learn how to be more balanced, and at my age that is so cool. I really get how important it is to be flexible in one\'s thinking and can easily imagine many estranged adult children have become rigid in their views of their parents. I can see that my son has probably hardened his view of me as one thing (though I wouldn\'t venture to say exactly what). I believe that it may be that to your son you have enormous power, much more than you feel you have, and he doesn\'t realize that this is not objectively true. Based on your sketch of his agonies with his wife, any time of peace in his home must feel as delicate as a spider\'s web. So perhaps he is desperate inside to protect that peace. No telling what else he has done to try to prevent the next storm from coming. But the truth is, he doesn\'t know what could happen next to upset the peace, and maybe that makes him a little crazy, so he starts to think about you and attributes to you this power to upset everyone. And that is so sad, to me. It shows he really needs strengthening because, I believe, the next storm is going to come. I don\'t at all believe you are going to invade his space and upset his wife and destroy his life! But we are human. Something is going to hurt us, and all we can do is try to be ready for it -- without feeling someone we know is coming to get us on purpose. It could be like my cousin out of the blue who has no idea what a hornet\'s nest he stirred up! We can exercise our bodies and gird up spiritually, but we can\'t slay the dragon before it arrives or know for sure that the levees we built are gonna hold. And with a young one in the fold, you know how badly you want to build a fortress so nothing can get the young! Another point my therapist always seems to work into the conversation is that we need to know that whatever happens, we will be able to handle it. The trips you have taken have probably taught you the importance of really knowing this truth. You can\'t foresee every delay or unexpected circumstance when you travel. Things happen. It\'s no fun to travel if everything has to go just right or else! So to see someone stiffen up and get all rigid as your son seems to have done in his stance toward you since May is a possible sign he is thinking that he has to make sure nothing will happen to upset himself or his wife. I feel for him. I know you hurt for him. I hope you concentrate on you, though. You do hear horror stories about therapists. Nowadays there are listings on line, and you can read a little paragraph that dozens and dozens of therapists have written about themselves. Trust yourself. You are so smart. You can read these paragraphs and narrow your search down. People do reveal all sorts of things about themselves when they write, things they have no idea they are revealing. For example, you will know for sure when a therapist is actually trying to let potential clients get a sense of who he or she is, specifically, or when he or she merely wants to attract every potential client. Also, if you are looking for an ACT therapist, that will narrow the field, in a very good way. True, there are no guarantees, but you have a spirit of adventure and you know good and well you can\'t be sucked into something sick or crazy. You can smell sick and crazy through the space around the door! P.S. I mixed so many metaphors in this writing that probably no self-respecting university would admit to knowing me!
Here\'s the quote about the importance of psychological flexibility: Those who do not have power over the story that dominates their lives, power to retell it, rethink it, deconstruct it, joke about it, and change it as times change, truly are powerless, because they cannot think new thoughts. -- Salman Rushdie
Too bad you live in Louisiana. It would be great if you were my next door neighbor and we could have coffee every few days! Well you have given me much to think about. I absolutely agree in the power of being flexible and being able to see things from different perspectives. I always try to do that. And I also absolutely agree that he is terrified. Well he doesn\'t have to worry about me stirring up any trouble. I will stay quiet as a mouse, like I have been. He is just missing out on so much fun with his siblings and the other kids. He is so jealous....it is easy to tell. He said in the email he knows those were just \"cheap throwaway gifts\" that we got his son, and he is tired of him playing second fiddle to our other grandkids. Again, so untrue. We got his son the exact same thing we got our other grandson the month before. He is just jealous and sick and living with another sick person....it truly must be terrible for him. And don\'t worry about the metaphors. I have always loved similes and metaphors!
:)
Here\'s a question I wonder about: do you feel at all that Bret\'s judgment is like an earthquake and now you have to walk on egg shells with your other adult children for fear of their judgment, because if you make a mistake or when you make a mistake, an aftershock could bring their condemnation down on you? I hope you do not fear this, but I think I would have a problem of fear that I would need help with if I had other adult children. This sort of thinking seems related to your son\'s sick jealousy. What he is really sick about is probably what you describe as the joy he is missing that the others enjoy with you. He knows they are getting the good stuff -- the love, the easy laughter, the kindness -- and all he gets is bitterness, his own bitterness. I want both our sons to feel better so much.
Well I will admit, if there is the slightest flareup with any of my other 3 kids, I have sometimes thought, \"oh no, here we go again\"....and EACH ONE OF THEM has admonished me with, \"Mom, don\'t worry, we are mad, but we aren\'t Bret...\" So I know they are sensitive to that, which is remarkable I think. All three of them have told me separately that they all knew he was crazy even when he was little. I did not see it...but I was (like you say) from a different perspective. I was a parent (and a young one) in charge of 4 kids. They were siblings and so it was a much different perspective. Also, you have a wide dynamic of different temperaments and personalities in our family. We are 6 COMPLETELY different personality types. I know most people put no stock in this at all, but we are also 6 different zodiac signs. This is the thing....I think you are the one who once coined the term \"stupid smart\". Well that is so true with Bret. He is EXTREMELY intelligent. But of course that does not preclude the possibility of mental illness. Look at Ted Bundy. I am not suggesting Bret is a serial killer, but you get the gist.