7 months
Well yesterday was 7 months since James Robert died. I was in tears most of the day. Especially when one of his fav songs came on the radio. I was at the pool and just started sobbing. Today isn't much better. I keep asking myself will it get any easier? People just don't really have a clue. 22 days till his birthday. Why won't he come home to me? I never dreamed that one day I would be without him. That I couldn't have the chance to tell him how proud I was of all he did and how grateful I was that he was in my life as much as he was. I found out he called his dad the day before he died. I hadn't heard from him in a week. It seems so unfair. I want to scream and shout. I want to lay the blame at his dad's feet. Even though I know there was nothing anyone could have done. It seems like I a saying and doing the same thing over and over and over again. Nothing seems to change. Nothing is likely to change how bad I feel. I thank you all for your support.
Replies
I am so sorry about the 7 month mark. It does not get easier some days are better than others but that sadness will always be there. It has been 16 months for us, and it feels that I have taken a step backwards The holidays, anniversaries and birthdays are very hard. I am thinking of you.
It amazes me how quickly my tears still come even though it\'s been 6 years since Max left earth. I will tell you that with the passage of time, I remember the 20 years I had my sweet boy in my life more than focusing on my time without him. Please be gentle with yourself. You are still in the very beginning stages of this journey. We all have been where you are. Gently hugs to you today and every day.
Gari
My heart hurts for you. It seems unimaginable that your can life can improve; but I am proof that it can. We don\'t get over it or forget. After 4 and a half years, I still cry regularly - but I also laugh and can enjoy life. I think we just get stronger and find ways of living with the harsh reality.
I truly believe that James Robert knows how proud you are of him and how much you love him. I think we all have regrets - the \'shoulda, woulda, couldas\'. \"I shoulda ..... \". I have to remind myself that I did what I thought was best at the time. How was I to know that Lisa would not survive the surgery? I had to give myself a lot of lectures before I came to terms with things. I was horrid to my son in law. He never was my favourite person but I blamed him for everything for quite awhile. We are now civil to each other and I have forgiven him for some of the hateful things he did after Lisa died. I now know that some of his actions where his way of grieving - I blamed him and he blamed me.
So please be kind to yourself. Give yourself permission to feel the feelings - yell, scream, punch pillows. Know that the grief journey is individual to each of us. And know that you are not on this journey alone. Some of us are ahead, others behind but we are together.
Love to James Robert.
Huge caring hugs,
Marlene
Wow...I could have wrote that same entry, our stories are so similiar...Cassi passes on February 2nd...So 2 days ago was 5 months for me. Her birthday is August 20th...coming up soon...I see her everywhere!!! Memories!!! The sisters further along tell us that someday those memories will make us happy but right now either the memory is bittersweet or I am just sad...sad she isn\'t with me, though I believe she is in spirit...I want someone to blame SO BAD!!! I blame myself, but if there was someone I could hate, really blame...I don\'t know...it just seems like it would be easier if there were someone I could be angry with, other than myself, even though, just like you said...really, I don\'t think anyone could have changed anything...I am so, so sorry. I wish I had the wisdom of Marlene...but someday I will and I will be able to help people. You say you didn\'t get a chance to tell James Robert what he meant to you, but think about it...I am sure you did many times in many ways throughout his life. I just know he knew!!! He probably called his dad instead of you because, just like Cassi, maybe he sort of took you for granted, I know Cassi did me. She KNEW, probably just like James Robert knew, that we would be there for them no matter what. Cassi could be very cruel to me near the end. I believe it was her illness but I also believe she knew it didn\'t matter how she treated me, I loved her unconditionally and would take it all, always have her back. I even take pride in it...you know, she took me for granted because I was such a loving mom...and I would never turn away from her...I am so sorry Angela, just so damn sorry that any of us have to go thru this.
I know- angel days are rough. In 9 days it\'ll be Charlie\'s 6 month angel day & 2 days after that would have been his 30th birthday.
I know what a mess I\'ll be all that week. Want you to know that I\'m thinking of you as you try to make sense of all this. And I\'m sure that James Robert knows you loved him deeply.
Warm Hugs,
Donna
The birthdays, Angel date and all holidays are so hard for us. Sept. 1st, will be three years since my son died. I still can\'t believe it. Still can\'t think about it, without anxiety attacks and crying spells.
I think we all have questions and regrets. I second guess myself all the time. Why didn\'t I do this, or why did I do that?? We are all human and we all make mistakes. I am sure that Dean knew that I loved him and Robert James knows you love him too.
Just take care of yourself take things one day at a time...
((((HUGS))))....Julia
These dates are so very difficult. We count the months, days, hours, minutes since we last saw our child. It hurts so much. We physically yearn for them so much. Breathe deeply and do what you can to get through it. Make no apologies. I used to have days when I would spend the whole day in bed and I didn\'t care what anyone had to say about it. I am 5 years on this journey, the pain is less in the constant forefront but every day I feel the stab in the heart. I\'m sure Robert James knows how much you love him. Sue xo
Understanding the feelings that you are describing and also the need to blame... I certainly felt that too and when I got beyond that what I was left with was an acute sadness that I simply had to learn how to live with over time... All the doing in the world could not bring my son back to me and to sit with what IS becomes our life\'s work, I believe.
With you, caring and hoping that as you read you can feel that you are not alone and that we are here to hold one another\'s hands and hearts.
Heartfelt (((hugs))) of care and understanding,
XO Joanie
You are definitely not alone. And at this point I am sure you cannot understand that it really is a matter of time... and for each individual it is different... but it will be \"easier\"... Are you a reader of books? SO many great ones out there, although I have also read a few I did not like. I think it was about eight months into my life after Jason that I started to read about loss and find some comfort. The first that helped was When Bad Things Happen to Good People. I am presently reading Transcending Loss. Wish I had read it a year or two ago.
Anyway, thinking of you with love, prayers, and hugs. Sharon
Support will always be here for you along with loving care. We understand.
It is hard, your pain is expected. If you want to scream do it. If you want to throw things do it. Let the anger and frustration out. That will be good for you, these feelings will return but if you learn to do what you must to make YOU get through the day, it is ok
I do hope down the road you will start to feel better and be able to deal with James Roberts absence on an easier level. This all takes time , when and how long cannot be answered.
Tight hugs to you
Penny