where have all my words gone .... i was so much more than now
Monday, December 28th, 2009 4:34 am
today as i sat i thought what would you want in life.
that changes as you get older if things were the way you wanted what would you want .
I thought louise to love me and have her with me in her victorian dresses she loved so much and to see her nice smile everyday ,
failing that my nice forgine girl who i thought loved me with an unshakeble convition that someone for another cultuer could only do
but neither worked louise didnt love me and TB loved herelf more than anything else.
even though i loved them for long after they went ,
neither spared a thought for me so verything i wanted was a wastse of hope or should that be love.
i really did beleive in love once because i knew what love was in me.
i just didnt know it wasnt something that can be recived just because you give it fully.
life is unfair and im left feeling just like another animal on this planet,
i am totally godless and spiritless.
.i am empty and it seems, valueless ,valuless as in i have no value to anyone and losing my values .
all my rules would drag me down and drown me as i grew up like some kind of thick reeds in a river.
the rules that one by one have punished me for slaming up against them.
most were just glass that looked like unbreakable castle walls,
walls of fear are the strongest of all walls .
so what the hell am im.
where should i stop where do i start,
i said before i am empty
.is any of this ,the road out
Monday, December 28th, 2009 4:34 am
today as i sat i thought what would you want in life.
that changes as you get older if things were the way you wanted what would you want .
I thought louise to love me and have her with me in her victorian dresses she loved so much and to see her nice smile everyday ,
failing that my nice forgine girl who i thought loved me with an unshakeble convition that someone for another cultuer could only do
but neither worked louise didnt love me and TB loved herelf more than anything else.
even though i loved them for long after they went ,
neither spared a thought for me so verything i wanted was a wastse of hope or should that be love.
i really did beleive in love once because i knew what love was in me.
i just didnt know it wasnt something that can be recived just because you give it fully.
life is unfair and im left feeling just like another animal on this planet,
i am totally godless and spiritless.
.i am empty and it seems, valueless ,valuless as in i have no value to anyone and losing my values .
all my rules would drag me down and drown me as i grew up like some kind of thick reeds in a river.
the rules that one by one have punished me for slaming up against them.
most were just glass that looked like unbreakable castle walls,
walls of fear are the strongest of all walls .
so what the hell am im.
where should i stop where do i start,
i said before i am empty
.is any of this ,the road out
Replies
I send you support on this difficult journey walked courageously.
I send you compassion and knowledge that you are not alone in your sentiments. I hope to help in any way I may
Have I told you lately how wise you are?
I agree that as we get older, what we want changes. It has for me.
I also feel the sting of heartbreak much, much less. And
it sure does STING!
I think we are all just \"another animal on this planet\" and I
greatly wish others would realize it - as you have. I mean we
are all just cosmic dust held together by some mysterious force.
I think you are one of the most AWARE people I know.
Awareness is pretty painful at times. Humbling.
the idea of love fades ,like all hopes of the young
ideals at first seem to be all that matters ,same with love
but in the end practicality takes over
and dreams ,ideas are squashed by fact.
we are another animal ,and we are cosmic dust ,everything down here came from up there and will go back with out the need of the god idea.
at times i think i am way to aware,i really wish it would back off
it feels like i can never get though life as i should.
.its quite horrible and people dont get my view point
im so very accepting
but also very trapped by the overall view :(
all I can say is that I wish there were WAY
more people like you.
i had lots of doubts about my reply last night
.not sure if i sounded arogant
about thinking i am awear of things
we all are and im nothing special at all