---m t: relationshipsm t: are so hardm t: i used to wish everyone were a spiritm t: and it was clear m t: everyone could feel and see every emotionm t: so it wasnt like this hidding behind curtains way of going onm t: im acting out of carictor at the moment m t: im being a bit nasty to people m t: "people" = ***** mostly and a few othersm t: im looking at them and assessing the real level of what i am to them m t: ****** is a bit like TB in that ive helped her loads m t: and been there for her when every f cker ran off or didnt care m t: and dispite all that im still looked on as some simple foolm t: --m t: so ive pulled in all my normal chaictorm t: they are getting nothing off mem t: everyone is take take take m t: they have only seen how i amm t: let them see it more clear while i become what is very easy to dom t: be like all the restm t: -m t: its a very odd feeling for mem t: im not used to looking at people with empathy turned off m t: -m t: ive also shut down to old friends who never callm t: -m t: you know how i said the room your in reflect the state of mind m t: your inm t: well ive been selling all my old stuff m t: ive got rid of stuff that just sat therem t: and im feeling like that with people m t: and feelingsm t: its likem t: why have a cup on the shelf for the person that left 10 years ago incase they come backm t: (i say cup) but its an object instead of an emotion that has sat waitingm t: maybe the friend that only calls once a year m t: or you have seen only once in 2 yearsm t: is not such a friend worth waitng for after allm t: -m t: in all this text im trying to saym t: im trying to accept that if i have no one that cares m t: to see that m t: and not fight myself to give the iusion that someone doesm t: its a fight inside myself i cant winm t: because its an outside factorm t: -m t: everyone is un happy when they fight realitym t: -m t: sometimes its very unclear what reality they are facing m t: sometimes to hard to facem t: sometimes your just lost to why what you needm t: -m t: im facing a lot of rejectionm t: its everywhere m t: -m t: so in my turn it around thinking m t: rejection= not wanted so = need to feel wanted = i want no one m t: all states have a truthm t: m t: =m t: rejection= i am unwanted  =+ need to feel wanted ....everyone does ?that also raises questions to why do i feel that + i want no one ...this one is how im acting now ....its making the situation in to one i can control m t: but is linked to the other 2 statesm t: --m t: need to feel wanted.....so that is the human state ..but whym t: acceptenc?m t: in to what ...by whom t: being open to someone else as you are to them = no threat m t: that makes sencem t: when things are very one sided a reltionship is very un happym t: its this threat ,,, threat  is a very direct emotion  m t: but also is defencem t: and they inter actm t: -m t: so relationships change depending on the threat to defence fears ...and that disturbs the feeling of being safe m t: -m t: the idea of love m t: is a bigger one to listm t: most of it is holding someone elses well being abouve your ownm t: based on that m t: it will be nearly impossible to balance m t: both cant be aheadm t: of each others self m t: som t: from a view point is it like m t: having a possesion that you value higher than anything elsem t: its a human life after allm t: and you prize it highlym t: .m t: it can even take on more complex forms beyound basic love ideasm t: -m t: i had a gold fish that learly diedm t: i did everything i could to save it m t: and i did m t: after that i felt a bond with itm t: to the fish ...i was still nothingm t: that for me was like my ill ex and tb m t: -m t: when you find yourself trying to keep it alive m t: and its all like some automatic responce m t: if you have time to sit down and ask AM I HAPPY? or in love even????m t: it maybe Nom t: but im so busy trying ....that dont even have to to  ask myself that m t: its all just doing m t: lovem t: in the end it just seems like a romatic version of aggrement m t: -m t: love can also factor in to life ....reasons  m t: -m t: i need to make life for a reasonm t: nice car nice house nice girlm t: eg i have a lifem t: -m t: did having a nice car make a reason for life ?m t: did a nice house m t: so why expect so much from the girl m t: all are just directionsm t: and maybe the girl idea falling the same way is car ideas    is more hurt full due to stronger emotional expectaions m t: --m t: emotional expectaions m t: now were getting to it m t: emotional expectaions m t: -m t: these you would have to chase down a hell of a lot m t: most arent even your own ideasm t: -m t: own ideas is even a shaky ground to be on m t: what isnt learnt ?m t: not far from this question you get to WHO AM Im t: and thats close to why am i here... back up the list again......so is the list really stopping at WHO AM I?m t: som t: to be happy m t: -m t: i am some sort of creatuer m t: that is flawed with these needs m t: learnt or even from natural selectionm t: and i will suffer because of themm t: the amount of suffering is dependent on my own rules  m t: its all self punishmentm t: self punishment for failing to reach the needsm t: its like being the gard on your own cellm t: but you decide how much you will sufferm t: -m t: choicesm t: decide to shut down the self punishmentm t: re assess the loss you have suffered and make it of no value m t: or swap the punishment for another form that isnt  emotional eg cutting self halm ect m t: the first is most wizem t: --m t: re assess the loss you have suffered and make it of no value )))))))) this can feel like making your life seem value less ....i feel pain = must have ment something  ect cant let go ectm t: or swap the punishment for another form = other complications and side issues of guilt and secrecy ect  m t: trasferalm t: =m t: ill shut up now