More lettersim feeling less pressure today reviewing everything has lead tounderstanding a few small points about my life.i feel awfull about emailing the samaritans about my thoughtsits like i feel im wasting everyones time but i cant talk to anyone and if i feel im even wasting even the samaritans timethat is ver sad in its self i normaly cope the schizophrenic was in the house living here had to deal with all that for 5 years or sobut it got so bad this time al my own emotions were swallwed up under the blanket of his mental problems i couldnt see how bad it was dragging me downwhen my life stops so drasticaly like this it feels like im a train pulling the past along a sudden stop has all the past comes down the track and hits me right now i feel im waitng for something to get things back to normalso i'll feel normal, i feeling a bit better today i cant say this anywhere else but i gusses i can here having thoughts about the self harm thing just as a quick fix to shock my self back for this time onlybut it may not work and thas a very long road out if it began againalso if it did work that would be just as bad ts not an aswerthis dive was caused by things now and things that involve tomorrowthings that have happen recently have be the same events as bad times ive had in the past i really felt like the people around me were so much like the people before, they even looked like themodd as that sounds that made me feel powerless against life eventsgod im writing to much againim just tying to set out why things are so hard for me  --------------------------------------ok a wall from the past leaves me here ----------------------------------------now ,tomorrow  >>this is another fear .i have never known what i want to happenor where im going in some ways i dont have much self worth to plan anything for me i feel im no use at anything people say how good i am at lots of things but i dont believe them because i feel they just cant see that i am truly not as good as they would like to think i amemployment--yes my job has fell to bitsthere is not a lot of work around anymore the job i was in for 20 years.i tryed to sort my work out early on this yeari got a better paid job with more workbut this while my spine was still damaged and i failed really really badlyi had never failed like that before .it was not for trying ,it was my body  i had a break down back over it my rep fell to bits i lost my job people walked away .it was very very bad for me in fact i felt more damaged than this time but but i could see why it was happeningso that was my big try to fix things i also quit my 2nd job at that time that took 3 years to build upi emotionaly couldnt cope with dealing with peopleeven just by emailasking me to much from me and i stressed my to much 24 hours aday for people that didnt care about me and it was so much work for so little money as well-------------------------------so agian line under the past ------------------------------employment--with factors affected by above .i set about finding a new type of work i spent quite a lot of money buying equipment to use in the new directionid still need to spend £1200 or something at very leastor £3000 more at the end of the day.i dont have this kind of money reallyi have nothing to my name really so its hard and i have been taking it one step at a time so its costing me everything i have ive been doing it so i can move forward and made myself blinkered to do it i really dont know if i can get any real work for the service at the end of all this but ive kept moving forward bit by bit But i am worried by it massivelythe job is a high pressure situationand i really fear myself not being able to cope with the self created pressuer it would put me under .ive always been self employed because i dont have to deal with other people or maybe because my dad used to drop me off in the middle of nowhere at night to freak me outand tell me if i didnt  become self motivated .i would be there in a awfull place with all that steam i work well in a team i think ?as long as i dont have to lead im so sick of trying so hard to get nowhere life has to be more simple some howim not emotionaly well enough to push like that anymoreso ive stopped buying equipment for now while i think more.this emotional fall has stopped everything in life as wellive frozen so i have no plans for anythingschizophrenic person ----that person has ruinded the last 7 years .its been awfull for everyone its my sisters son.i resent my sister for pushing all this on usi hope they keep him locked upbefore he was away for a year the day he came back i felt as though he had got out and i had been locked up by having to cope with him againwanting to find a companion?--------that is a huge amout of upset and is made worse by my total lack of self worth these days backed up by reall world reactionsive even had dates drop dead on the first date.it reads like some stupid film script its to many pages of what happend and when .ive had a girlfriend who went in to fits and comasits not a normal relationship where you have a mirror at their mouth to see if they are really dead at times had her pass out and drive me in to on coming cars so as i said that list of past situations could run for pages and pages ill just list that section of my like as a mass grave and put a large stone on top of it all----------------------------------------here now ,,,wanting to find a companion?----------------------------------------im having trouble with falling in love with someone that doesnt care about me so im using the past situations to remind me of how bad that could get .if i let that feeling growits happend before my ex is also calling from time to time but thats nothing to do with me in a romantic wayshe just wants stuff everyone who knows her tells me who much she is a user and i cant really find a reason not to agree with them allim the type that gets told what a nice person i am by the girl that walksoff with the other guybut thats just the way that stuff is .i said i wasnt going to type anymore i thought i had ran out of things to say but it feels like a huge dam of stuff god knows how i can even store all this stuff up in my head sorry for typing so much