i know my feelings even the ones that scare me i am an open booki have delt with rejectionbut i feel its more thatn just thati feel im just padding in life there just to fill out the numbers i dont think that classes as an illnesshere with these lettersi have talked about some of the stuff that has gone onno one ever hears everything in life and it would take to long anyway and things keep adding to a pile im ment to live in the now ..you know the like for the next 5 mins dont look back dont look to tomorrow because there is no such thing when was i close well thats an odd thing my first memory was sitting on the stairs of an old house listening to them fighting down stairs i felt it was about me .i must have been 4 or 5 early thoughts jump around a bit like scenes from a movie we were very poorreally how it was is like something from a 1930s filmin this spooky old house with nothing i cant ever remember being held in that house but i do have a lot of images of being alone and waiting for people to come back in.dad was never there he worked nights for years so i was always silent not to wake himmy sister was older so was always out at schoolwe moved house in the end to a new house they lied about income to get itso we were poor forever just to live in itsame thing dad was never there it was silent half the daymum was stressed we had nothing i remember being held a lot by my mum back thenthere were a few nice xmasses even though it was all broken toys or anything that could be made to look like a gift it was the time of all the strikes so a lot of nights in black out and candelsdad was always to competativehe had to win all the time at everything couldnt play with out me having to loseif i made something it was no good.if it were a pic it was no good that went on most of my life with himat about 10 he really broke me setting me impossible tasks that were really impossible for my ageand treating me as an adult for failing it crazy crazy task that i would really have trouble with now build a steam engine from a large brass plate i tryed so hard that day i was going to talk about all that and how it went but god its just to screwed up ...at the end of a day that finnished me he just said its not good enough and walked out the standard this was surposed to reach was unreall poeple have no idea ..i was treated as an enginering room employe at 10i broke in side i felt a huge snapbut back in time 6-7i was held i had a few nice xmass'she still worked nights at abarso mum would go out tooand a baby sitter would take overfor a while that was fun she would take me to her house alotduring the days  while at our house at nightbut then i would be sent to bed early while my sister stayed upbut this woman would then start to get drunk and soon i was pushed in to bed really early and filled up on night nurse to make me pass out i was told it was good for me and it was medicenbut i knew it was lies she later got thrown out because she was so drunk she was found passed out after throwing up on the stairs she was having an affiar with my dadthings were not good againshe would have a black eye from time to time ecti dont trully know what went on for a while .i wasnt loved theni would have my arm pulled and told to,,,, hurry up and grow upthats all i ever heard i was being blamed for her unhappy life .i wasnt doing well in schooli was alone .i found out then the kids didnt like me i got picked on for being poor ect anything you knowhow it gets when kids start ....they will find a reasonso i was alone as always and silent one day a bird flew past me fell out of the sky dead at my feet i even thought that had something to do with me looking at it i waited a year ,my sister was in the school next door and if i were older i would be outside at the same time as the older kids for breake time then i wont be by myself but the very first day i went to see her she just called me awfull things and not to come talk to her ever agian in front of her friends.so i didnt i just sat on a wall and sat and sat looking at everyone all the time soon it went one night dad took me out on his motor bike but didng go the normal route i was taken to a chemical works in the night time a smoke covered place with orange lights i was then told to get off the bike and he said if i dont pull my socks up this is where i will be then he drove off in to the night and left me there i stood looking at the smoke and listening to the wind after the bike had gone ...waiting thinking do i walk where do i walk ...that way or that way ,where to ?a while later the the bike came back he said get on and i just remember holding on and seeing things go passtill i was home againno one said anything nothing was said this was normalthere is a section now where i cant talk about it in deatailbut i was tricked by someone female saying i waswanted but it was just  for sexual reasons even though i was to young to do anything she still tryed and made me act it out thats just a standard thing  i got told its our seacreat blah blah blah ectand she dropped me like a hot bricki was now very very alone so broke down at 10 with the you must build things ect,broke down at school under the pressuer of a music lessonshow me a e note on a piece of music i collapsed  in tears ect ect  teens ..i was never a teen..  ect nothing really i can fill in all the detail stops it was just stuff till i was 21 -23when i fell to bits docs ect proximetry problemsbig problems with people being close to me dealling with romance was a destructive time for me trying to love someoneall of that is a whole new chapter coping with destructive realtionships i know this is all past stuff but its so interconected sorry i didnt even get to (If you could do whatever you wanted with your life, what choices would you make? Where would you be happiest? )HelloYour writing describes your feelings so deeply and so articulately; and yet you find it difficult to speak to people.Have you ever thought about writing it down to show a doctor? Do you think it would help to explain exactly what you are thinking about?You see your family quite often, but you feel they seem to be pushing you away. Why do you think this happens? Can you remember a time when you were close?If you could do whatever you wanted with your life, what choices would you make? Where would you be happiest? Jo========================================================