im awful in texti just type what i feeli shouldnt even type this much i cant talk to people about death stuff or dreams like that  its not normal to say last night i wanted to drive of the road all the way home cant say it even if its just to get the words out people cant hear that.even if its you can see its just a stupid idea your mind is teasing you with.it becomes secreat and secreats grow and grow till it becomes something in its self then its fear of fear ect and self doubtive known 2 people who killed themselfs one drowned her self in the bath under a suit case full of booksone hung him selfim not close to my family not for a long long time i feel driven away by them .i had to hold an umbreller for my mum in the rain the other dayits the closest ive stood next to her in 30 yearsi see them all the time but only talk about the weather ectmum goes for blame reversal = were not good enough then.dad goes for blanking = its not happening ....if that evento turn to them for emotional support would be madnessthey have no idea how! they have failed all my life at thati have a sister but she is a self centered waste of space she shut everyone out  ...shes selfish a user we never talknever did as kids eitheri have had a lot of problems dealing with people .i grew up alone at one point even being next to them was distressing to the point docs thought i was agrophobicgrowing up with all your own thoughts can mess you upi have 3 friends but i the closest is 20 miles away1/ the longest term one =i never see anymore we were close a long time agosee 1 or 2 times a year if that we really dont talk anymore 2/ a guy i know hes quite a spiritual  1960's 70s era or something hes a good sort and distant he has bad depression problemshis friend killed him self last year. so i can talk about a few things but i have to be carefull3/ a woman i talk to most ..but not about anything other than a few worries of mineshe another spiritual type her life is quite crazy with upsets of her own making and tends to throw all her stuff my way and i have to help her come to terms with her own self destruction but that upsets me as welli work for heralso at times i have helpped her so much that i have felt romaticaly towards herbut she has never said a word along that line to me everso i would hate to mention it and lose a friend over itso i say nothing ive been in that situation before and know better ,that would be just a lot more upset and its the last thing i need  i would also lose my job and be more alone.how this typing helps ?all this stuff in my head is like a bombim a very expressive person but know one knows i get a lot of people that come to me because they feel safe to talk some how i dont judge because we all fallits like the same thing that drags them to me that has labled me .in a bad way to everyone else as if im damaged or something when i grew up i used to feel one one could love melooking back its clear why some stupid things happend to mei could accept that IF  they had stopped or if reactions and behaviour were different to meim just such a normal person .i dont get it at all i keep getting scewed over and i suffer dealing with people because i care and 99% dont ....but the 99% keep winning thats hard to see when your the one falling all the timewhat would dieing mean to me?death is very blank i had a lot of time to come to a balance with death dreaming  dieing and death every night for over a year is what forced me to seek medical help the first time just try to cope with that for so long till you crackit broke me badly torn to bits by dogs ,shot ,stabed while my hands were cut to bits trying to stop the blade ,falling ,axed ,drowned ,bleading to death,crushed ,hung ,coprses holding me, its upsetting to even list them now i went in to the GP office it took 15 mins to get myself to get the words out.i cant dream dieing anymore please make me stop dreaming it make me not dream death anymorestrange thing is that was never talked about ever again with the guy i was sent tothe pills i was given that day failed i dreamt againthe next ones were stronger but froze my life as wellso death used to have a powerfull grip on me it was the days where it does not scare you that were the reall bad daysi dont think death is going to be that bad for everyone its suffering that everyone fears i dont belive we go to anywhere else we just die the only good point with death is we all finaly become equaland part of everything again  im feeling guilty about writing so much stuff i confuse a lot of people and this will all seem just crazy