deep feelings? dont know how to put it. ...emotions? way of thinking? living ?damage ? rules? miss understanding ?even to much clear thinking ,too rational,?see thing to clear life for what it is?too truthfull for my own good???? i dont even call myself pesamistic that would be to look at things from a 2nd angle i just see the one ..one view sounds to smallbut even if you look at it all from outside yourself its still all from an in inside view pointso its flawedso no matter how 3rd party you try to be its still1 view ,no matter how dress it all upthere is only 1 how you see iton your owngo look at a field ,go look at the sea ,go look at the inside of a cave they all have nothing to link them to each other ...but they do ..its "you" looking at them allyourself in this life.... is the link thats always therethats when it all looks so fake its just stuff around you when you feel its stuff with no meaning anymoreits all just props while people act around it. you cant stop yourself being the center point of any judgement and then you spend yourtime asking where did i pick all the rules that are my personal way to live?so then you cant even find your own voice anyway im rambling ....... things ive been thinking what im saying is i will never be happy while i am this person i am the costant thing in all these times and i cant remove that  as for killing your self offi dont know whats normal when it comes to thinking thateveryone thinks it ive never really pland it many times ive wanted to just drive my car off the road sometimes ive scared myself thinking or speeding up press down the accelerator to max its just a set of actions its simple .you can logic your self to death sometimes it all becomes coldlots of times i feel im testing myself with it my emotions thinking it then my other side is questioning it as if the idea is on a string and see how much i really think it then yank it back in a car crash would be an awfull way to die not sure why i would even think thatmaybe its because i saw death from that once or maybe while i drive i think alot by myselfand when i think its all a big loop that i cant fix it becomes a thought like smashing a puzzle up that you cant do anymore so i dont know if that counts as suicidal thoughts reallyhelp in the past ?i hate the idea of helpwell thats not quite so true anymorei just hate the idea of Doctors help ecta long time back i got in to emotional trouble and ended up on pills and talking ???? to someone talking is normaly 2 way thing that was more a battle of wills.i felt i had given up when i went to themi got pills that made me a walking dead person they dug and dug at me till i felt like an open wound said it would make me feel better in the end they got know where just hurt me even more then it ended and i walked out of the door worse than i went in but this time destroyed and with no where left to go toi hated that and i went first afraid then with some hope and came out with a deep misstrust and i was back to coping on my own just where i was at the start so never went back 7 years ago i hit a bad part of my life a bit like now but maybe worse in some ways for pressure i lost everything at that time i became a self harmerit wasnt major and i hid it well and got myself out of it ..it wasnt easy but i did had some hard times that no one sawbut i did try to go to the docs at that time when my car mirror was hit by a passing car glass was all down the streetthe neighbours knocked on my door asking me to clean it all upbefore someone got a flat tyerso i went out in front of the whole street with a bucket and picked up all that sharp glass i died inside ,it was so brave of me to trybut they had no idea ,just seeing sharp things,seeing red anything was so hard to cope withand i was forced in to that while trying to copeit was so unfair why was this happening to me.i told no one that hurt so much  tryed going to the docs the thinking i cant face the night time anymore and how the hell do i say there is nothing wrong with be but i do this felt they would just think im nuts and look at my past apointments and treat me as an idiotas soon as i tryed to make an appointment they said this time next week.....i needed help that day to escape myself even. she said is it an emergency ? .i said no and went home.what was i going to sayits quite rare now that i ever think about the blade things only times when i feel im so upset that i dont have any logical answers or resoning leftor some how to put blame on myself for not coping but this is all past really but people dont have any idea about how i feel or cope but again who said they should From: The Samaritans It is good that your physical problems are so much improved.  Have you had any professional help with your emotional problems? It is very sad that sometimes the local doctors do not seem able to point patients in the right direction, but there are obviously several deep-seated feelings that you need help with. You mentioned that you have dreamt about suicide, do you ever feel like taking your own life?Samaritans will continue to support you while you are trying to sort things out.Jo========================================================