reply 2  the physical side this year has has had an affect on me seeing doctorsand having them brush me off as nothing while i was there as a last resort wasnt goodit took so long to get them to put me forward to someone who knew anything about the subject BUTall that is past now in the physical sence i have recoveredbut at times i suffered so badly and as normal everyone left when i needed helpthe docs could see who bad the emotional side of thingswas getting to me when i became more snappy with thembut it was just the lack of any action for months it was like talking to a wall .i hated the fact they wanted to box me up as someone upset that they can give pills to and send out the doorbecause they didnt know what was wrong with melosing the girlfriend wasnt a blow really it was just a long long dragged out deathwith me trying to see it as still having a hope because no one else cares for me  or cared eveni tend to get used ..or do i let it because im alone and try so hard -depth of unhappiness?-i can really say ive had that feeling for all my life well as far back as 7thats when i saw who the worl was going to treat me from then oni felt very rejected by everything everyonethings are a lot more safe now the schizophrenic has been locked up and not in the housebut i just had bad dreams about it i hear bumps from next door and think hes back  .i also had dreams about suicided i think?i dreamt i was in my room and it was all on fire around me but i wasnt running i sayed in bed and tryed to seelpand as i woke at diffrent times the flames were bigger and closerand then were burning me and i tryed to stay in the coveresthe flames filled the roomsmoke .i then ran to a window but it was no use i made it to an attic the flames grew the next day the house was burnt out and people were walking round the house saying i was dead and what a mess i had made of it allone nasty woman was saying i couldnt even sort out my own suicide properlybut then they found me alive in had a bath full of water in the attici had placed there to drown myself in at somepoint so i dont know if that dream is a fighting back dream or a bad dream   change one thing ?its way more than one thing and its hard to think of a thing that could put all thethings in my life rightit feels like its everything in the world and at the same time i know i am the constant thing in it that is the problema whole world cant be wrong  but i ffel like a broken part  one thing ? to have felt i was worth something to not have been left to cope with all my life and feelings by myself and spend years damageing my self in my headtrying to get by to have not been invisablenot to feel anythingto be like other people to feel normal to have been happy to have been loved the list is endless