just had a dream where i was trying to be part of a show and a fat guy who seemed to be the boss was very abusive to everyone he started to pick on me verbal abuse at a distencethe he got closer holding on to make making it hard to move and still being awfull to everyonethen about what sexual acts he was going make us do i was fighting back i pushed him hard and he fell off the stage people were worried as i did that but thought i dont care what ever happens he deserves it as he fell he grabed my legs and i was pull off with him we fell quite far he hit the ground but being dragged ment i landed on top of him with my feet i think i killed him but it wasnt my fault i was falling and cant change where i landedhe pulled me -----the fat guy in charge of a show the only person i knew like that was an agent who was threatening me it was at the time i strated cutting ,i hate that guy i saw him about 2 weeks ago ,i was having a very bad day i was upset i went to see a show and the staff in the place were being very controling first they wouldnt let me in i had to stand so long without them even looking at me one held my arm and led me down the room i hate being controled,i had driven 50 miles to get therei was so annoyed?angery .i only went because i was feeling so bad i thought it might make me feel better to get out when i finaly got to a seat i was so angery i wanted to go home there and then but people said you just got here and you came so farso i stayedin a moodthen this fat guy walked pastit was him the only person i hate i felt mixed emotionssome of fear some of despising somethinking what will this do mentaly to mewill i cut again its a bad feeling to have someone near you that you wont forgive ..in my head i started to plan what i would say if i had to they must have soon left i didnt see them again back to that dream the falling and landing on top of a person dream ive had that before i think its being out of control the sexual side to the dream was un expected
Replies
Or perhaps it\'s about gaining control.
I think it\'s a great sign that you fought back. That can be a sign of recovery.
fighting back feels really uncomfortable though if we aren\'t used to it.
I agree totally it\'s a bad feeling having someone close to you that you won\'t forgive.
I was just thinking about this. How compassion and empathy feel empowering to me.
I want to let go of anger and be able to forgive. It is a BAD feeling to be angry.
The sexual part could be about power or boundaries.
I love that you killed him in your dream. That is powerful.
You defended others and yourself.
i did get to a point where i said to myself let it go
and i did
but pepole i know deal with him
they are ment to be my friends
and they say hes ok ect
and i hate him just as much now
because they took sides
against my word
yes i hate him
but now its because he took all my friends as well
because they chose him over my truth
i feel betraed by them all
and isolated because i cant be friends with people who
are friends with someone who threatend me
i have it all on mini disk
but i have never played it all back because it was so upseting
but i have told them
ive known them for almost 20 years
and they took his side because hes agent
also a girl i used to like joind his show and she was sleaping with him ,he has a wife
i mean nothing to any of these people
...talking of nothing
the turkish girl never calls anymore
ive seen her once in a year and a half
.its so over
Oh my. I think you know I can relate to this. It hurts like crazy.
I\'m slowly replacing those people in my life.
I hope you can, too. You deserve SO MUCH BETTER.
I\'m doing boundary work and it\'s helping me see this.
My values are truth, loyalty, justice.... I want to surround myself with those
who value the same as I do.
You can find people who value what you do.
There are many of us out there.
How can you possibly let it go when he\'s so destructive? I say
don\'t let it go. He\'s dangerous. He\'s destructive.
You are aware. Others aren\'t and it\'s incredibly sad.
But we can\'t save them. My brother is manipulating and lying and
stealing my family but I have to get away from them because it\'ll destroy
me if I don\'t.
i thought about how you could cope like this
as i said i got to apoint where i did let all the
anger go
for myself to move on from it
but it was impossible whith then making a link to it all
so i ended back where i was
if it were a fight with in my family like this
i kould not kope
.im used to cutting off ties
its hard at first
.its hard if you need suport
BUT
when i did go back to them for it
i didnt get it
.i just got more problems
and at best more of the same attiudie that drove me
away to start with
\"so I ended back where I was\"
That\'s how it works, I guess.
It\'s like a wound that keeps getting opened.
What do you value?
value
i tend to look at my personal life
like climbing a montian or a long walk
with no end i can see
its just a battle of will power to keep stepping
on and on
ive never met anyone in my personal life that
i can lean on
there is no rock in my life
people are more like water
you are always meeting the needs of others, i\'ll bet.
you avoided answering my question. i know it\'s hard to think about.
i\'ll bet you value honesty.
i\'ll bet you value strength.
what else?
value
my self streangth
to get though all this
its like doing a long bike ride
when you feel finished but have to get home some how
thats all it seems like
cutting has been far from my mind for a long time
that is a good thing
at times i feel like ending my life
but thas because it all seems like a brick wall
i have hit so many times
and in the end you dont see a way over it