from an si post i just made .I remember the feeling the day i started .it was hard to explain but i got to that stage and it began i thought i could walk away from it easy but i was wrong  i have had an abusive past and i hated myself for it every one i ever loved left me i was with drawn so i did could not comunicatewith any one i hated every thing and it grewday by day .i had been very depressed in the past even suicidalbut i got though it all by myself in the end its only you doctors were a big failure to me promised a lot and came up with nothingi was in a relationship that was collapsing and becoming abusive againsituation at work had gotten bad and i had 30 people aginst me for something that was not my faultthat became agressive towards me and i took it badly the breake down of my relationshiplost me my house my patner and my job i had also met an old love at the timethat seemed like new hope  and that all went wrong leaving me more alone and one night while people slept i went down stairs and started to cut myself in the same way some one destroys a painting i felt blank it was like tearing off wallpaperwhile you dont even think about it it didnt even hurt i felt so dead myself had become a thing and in some waysthe marks i had left were a sign in my life that something could healwhile in side i felt i could not i got caught up in this trap,i went to the doctors one morning after a lot of cuts i thought i cant cope anymorethis is not normal i cant cope another nighti kept away from the docs because of my past problems ,i thought they will just brush me off and give me pillsbut i went i said i need an appointmentand the reception said i cant fit you in till next week ..inside i died i had to face myself another night she said is it an emergency?and i looked at her and said noand walked homeand things contiuded for about a year and i also started drinking lots of vodkaand i would just crashand cut drink and a blade never mix wellin the end i felt so hurt i even took pitty on myself and didnt cut anymore