I made it
I made it through another day, another horrible anniversary of the worst day of my life. Right or wrong, I went with my instinct and spent most of the day in bed. I did not visit the gravesite. I don't thinkshe is there but I still feel guilty for it. There is nothing easy about this journey I am on that I did not choose to be on...but I can't understand how I have survived 2 years when I did not want to survive 2 minutes and I have even had some happy moments...God help us all.
Replies
(((Hugs))) Sharon
Cassi is not there and I am sure she understands your need to stay in bed. On holidays and angel dates etc I too feel guilty if I don\'t visit Ed\'s grave but the rational me knows he isn\'t there and that I have nothing to feel guilty about. And neither do you. We all must get through these traumatic dates however we can. Cassi knows you love her.
You are right. There is nothing easy about this journey. It is torture. I agree - God help us all. Tight hugs of understanding. Love to you and precious Cassi, Linda
I am so glad you honored your emotions yesterday...and that today you can remember that in these long two years you have also had some happy moments. Hugging you!
I think our children understand more than we do. Or I sure hope they do. Maybe they can make sense of this hot mess cuz I sure can\'t!!
There are many days I wonder why the hell I\'m here n my Tony isn\'t. Other days I hear him say \"WTF ma! WTF!\"
Another of my boy\'s favorite quotes. And always with a smirk!
Guilt, even though we know is pointless,still rears it head no matter what we choose. I am glad you did what you wanted to. Tomorrow is another day.
I don\'t know if this will help you or not, but I will share in the hopes that it will. One day I was in my car and was pretty much losing it. I was having a major breakdown and was missing my Wes so much and the pain seemed unbearable when I heard Wes\'s voice in my head asking me \"Mom, if you were the one that left, would you want me suffering and punishing myself the way that you are?\" My response was a big \"Hell no!\" I know that it is hard to go on and it takes time, but try and live the way that you would have wanted Cassi to live had things had been different. Cassi is not where her body is, she is in your heart and knows your heart. If we allow guilt to it will take us to some very dark and scary places and that is not what our babies would want for us.I know it\'s much easier said than done as I am looking at Wes\'s angle date in just a few weeks. Please be gentle to yourself and love yourself! Big gentle hugs...Kathy
So glad you made it through the day. If it\'s in bed with the covers pulled up, then so be it. You did it! It\'s so difficult but we do find happy moments in there and in time the happy moments become more frequent and the sad moments less frequent. Try not to let the guilt linger too long. When it comes, feel it but then let it loose. Much love. Robin
there is no right or wrong way.. if you felt you needed to spend it cuddled in your bed, that was the right way for you...
I visit Jenn\'s grave less and less.. like you, I know she\'s not there.. she lives within me, her kids and her sister and all of those who love her.. present tense meant ! The same with Cassie, she lives within you.
Hugs and love, MaryLou
You did what worked for you and that is your right...hopefully that made sense...not going to the grave is again right for you and that is all ...I don\'t really feel Shell at the grave either, more at home....take a breathe and know that you never did any thing wrong...(((HUGS))))xxoo gretcho
I used to approach these days with passionate dread and hoped once they were over things could go back to \"normal.\" I was not ready for the \"new normal.\" Even after the dates were over, the sadness lingered. After many years, I have come to think of these days as days of remembrance, days to remember my son in my heart. Sometimes tears well up, sometimes a smile comes to my face. I love him. I miss him. This sucks, but we get through it the best we can. My wish is for us all to have continued healing. I am sending love and prayers for that.
You did what you needed to do and keeping it open, fluid and ready to switch things up in a moment\'s notice is the way that has worked for me with these tender days.
I have a sense that Cassi was happier yesterday being cuddled up close to you under the covers than standing beside you at the grave site. She understands in ways that we cannot even imagine and knows your heart, Gina.
Today, many deep inhales, exhales and pauses understanding that you are doing your best and that is enough, more than enough. Lots and lots of tenderness and loving kindness for YOU.
Exhaling with you and onward we go.
(((Hugs))) of care,
XO Joanie
This morning I woke up with you, Gina, in my head. I wanted to send a message that simply said, How Are You and did you make it through the worst day ever? BUT I didn\'t send - when I saw your journal \"I made it\" - I smiled - you are being thought of......((((((hugs)))) Vicki
Please do not feel guilty about not visiting the grave site. Cassi is with you wherever you are.
Love and tight hugs, M
Sounds like you did what you needed to do and that\'s ok. Spending time in bed is something we can relate to, especially early on the journey like where you are.
Losing a child is definitely a trauma for us. I remember hearing one time that it\'s comparable to being in critical condition. As we know that physically, when in critical condition, being hospitalized in a critical care unit is required. When I heard that, it became clear to me just how fragile we are. Gentle care, nurturing & sometimes even bedrest is necessary. Do what feels right for you Gina in your healing. You don\'t have to go through this alone....we are here and we genuinely care.
Gentle hugs
Vicki
I too believe that she is with you where ever you go. I am glad you made it through this date and hope it gets easier for you, its been 15 years for me and some years are okay, one I forgot the date, and others I cried my heart out. Try to remember, you are not alone...XOX, Debbie