Scared
Well, next month, February 2nd will be two years since I lost Cassi. Since she committed suicide. With a gun I gave her. We got the phone call and I didn't know how to breathe.
I see many posts about accidental overdoses...even in this community there is taboo...moms want to specify "accidental". I can't do that. It makes me feel more ashamed, abandoned, blamed. Where did my life go??? It never ends, the grief...there is no closure in suicide. I read a quote :It's not than God opened the doors to Heaven for my child to enter but rather opened the the gates of hell and allowed her to escape." I believe that. But I am still sad, so sad...so lonely. I raised my best friend in the world. I put all my eggs in one basket and was very arrogant that I needed no one...uhm yeah, because I had her. She was all I needed, even all I wanted.
I see other moms so much further down the road than me, even with other children and grandchildren, that still suffer badly. It just makes me wonder...Is it worth it??? I have no one depending on me. I have people who love me, and that keeps me going. I don't want them hurt any more. But I get selfish thoughts, so selfish.
I have such a problem with number 2 and this will be the second year, another 2. She died February (2nd month) 2nd day, at the age of 22...She would have been 25 this year.
My heart is so heavy I feel the need to vomit...very strange, I guess it's a sense of purging.
I see many posts about accidental overdoses...even in this community there is taboo...moms want to specify "accidental". I can't do that. It makes me feel more ashamed, abandoned, blamed. Where did my life go??? It never ends, the grief...there is no closure in suicide. I read a quote :It's not than God opened the doors to Heaven for my child to enter but rather opened the the gates of hell and allowed her to escape." I believe that. But I am still sad, so sad...so lonely. I raised my best friend in the world. I put all my eggs in one basket and was very arrogant that I needed no one...uhm yeah, because I had her. She was all I needed, even all I wanted.
I see other moms so much further down the road than me, even with other children and grandchildren, that still suffer badly. It just makes me wonder...Is it worth it??? I have no one depending on me. I have people who love me, and that keeps me going. I don't want them hurt any more. But I get selfish thoughts, so selfish.
I have such a problem with number 2 and this will be the second year, another 2. She died February (2nd month) 2nd day, at the age of 22...She would have been 25 this year.
My heart is so heavy I feel the need to vomit...very strange, I guess it's a sense of purging.
Replies
Oh Gina, I know the pain of my only child dying but I do not know the pain of my child dying by suicide. But Cassi lived and loved and is loved by her Creator and by you. I hate that all of us here at FMO have had a child leave this world. It\'s just not fair. I don\'t have all the answers by any means but I know us moms are the memory keepers for our kids. That is a big piece of who I am now. I am here to keep Ed\'s memory alive. And you are doing that for your beautiful daughter. Tight hugs...
I wish I had some magic words to help you but we are all traveling the same road some are further up the road than others but we are all together. I hope that made sense? I have A DEAR FRIEND WHO JUST LOST HER DAUGHTER 12/28/15....DO YOU HAVE THE TITLE TO THE BOOK YOU READ TO US AT THE REUNION? Sorry about the caps....you are such a good person and I wish I could reach out and give you a big (((HUG)))XXOO
As moms we are so quick to blame ourselves for things that are beyond our control. Cassi had a disease. She suffered from a brain disorder - depression. The disease was responsible.
We are on the same journey but it is different for each of us. The circumstances are different. However you struck a chord with me when you said that you are here for people who love you. When Lisa died, my son Andrew and I made a pact that we would stay here because it would devastate those who love us.
Love and tight hugs, M
Oh gina I wish I could say just the right thing that would bring you comfort and peace from the ever ending torment, we as moms put ourselves through......I am so sorry your precious Cassi is not on this earth....I am so sorry that you are hurting and feel so lonely....I am so so sorry, Gina.
One second @ a time, one step @ a time - year 2 sucked !! I\'m with you. (((hugs))) Vicki
Oh Gina. I know. Before I get into my thoughts here, I am going to respectfully challenge you on something you said in your journal. You read a quote...
\"...It\'s not than God opened the doors to Heaven for my child to enter but rather opened the the gates of hell and allowed her to escape.\"
On so many levels of that statement, I must disagree. Perhaps, Cassi ended her life here in \"hell\" (emotionally) by ending this life for her. You know yourself how powerful depression is and what a living hell it can be. I do not have the answers, not even close but to burden the survivor - aka You with the thought or suggested belief that your baby is \"in hell\" is a) not cool and b) so very, very much a punishment. That is one reason why I question so many beliefs and concepts. Not cool.
I also understand your struggle with the upcoming date. Jason died coming up 3 years - 3 FUCKING YEARS on January 25th. His younger sister turned 32 last November. Jason will forever be 31. Just so wrong.
I am so glad you journalled your emotions here. We are so lucky to have this trusting, private outlet for our own demons. And I think most of us have several...
Please keep breathing. Please keep fighting and please keep reaching out. Is it \"worth it\"? I have no idea.
Really tight hugs,
Merrilee
Breath Gina. I am not even going to pretend I Know how you feel with Josh dying in a car accident. I think if he had died from suicide there would be no closure and so many unanswered questions. The first of losing Josh I was like a zombie. No family member not even john knows this but a lot of times driving to work I would like if I could drive right into a tree or the river my pain would finally come to an end. But then I though about John, how could I do that to him after losing his only child. Gina know that I love you and am here for you.
Gina this is very hard. Just being a survivor is a bitch. I don\'t think I was human till around year 4. Yes I have a daughter still with us and grandchildren who in their own way has made it bearable for me. My granddaughters Alaina and Hailey are very intune to their uncle. They still feel his presence and inform me about it. When the girls talk to me about Mike I now feel comfort. I do hope at some time down this journey you to will feel a little bit of comfort, I may take a mission but time will help you find that mission.
Sending tight hugs
Penny