Scared
Well, next month, February 2nd will be two years since I lost Cassi. Since she committed suicide. With a gun I gave her. We got the phone call and I didn't know how to breathe.
I see many posts about accidental overdoses...even in this community there is taboo...moms want to specify "accidental". I can't do that. It makes me feel more ashamed, abandoned, blamed. Where did my life go??? It never ends, the grief...there is no closure in suicide. I read a quote :It's not than God opened the doors to Heaven for my child to enter but rather opened the the gates of hell and allowed her to escape." I believe that. But I am still sad, so sad...so lonely. I raised my best friend in the world. I put all my eggs in one basket and was very arrogant that I needed no one...uhm yeah, because I had her. She was all I needed, even all I wanted.
I see other moms so much further down the road than me, even with other children and grandchildren, that still suffer badly. It just makes me wonder...Is it worth it??? I have no one depending on me. I have people who love me, and that keeps me going. I don't want them hurt any more. But I get selfish thoughts, so selfish.
I have such a problem with number 2 and this will be the second year, another 2. She died February (2nd month) 2nd day, at the age of 22...She would have been 25 this year.
My heart is so heavy I feel the need to vomit...very strange, I guess it's a sense of purging.
I see many posts about accidental overdoses...even in this community there is taboo...moms want to specify "accidental". I can't do that. It makes me feel more ashamed, abandoned, blamed. Where did my life go??? It never ends, the grief...there is no closure in suicide. I read a quote :It's not than God opened the doors to Heaven for my child to enter but rather opened the the gates of hell and allowed her to escape." I believe that. But I am still sad, so sad...so lonely. I raised my best friend in the world. I put all my eggs in one basket and was very arrogant that I needed no one...uhm yeah, because I had her. She was all I needed, even all I wanted.
I see other moms so much further down the road than me, even with other children and grandchildren, that still suffer badly. It just makes me wonder...Is it worth it??? I have no one depending on me. I have people who love me, and that keeps me going. I don't want them hurt any more. But I get selfish thoughts, so selfish.
I have such a problem with number 2 and this will be the second year, another 2. She died February (2nd month) 2nd day, at the age of 22...She would have been 25 this year.
My heart is so heavy I feel the need to vomit...very strange, I guess it's a sense of purging.
Replies
I can\'t make your pain go away or make it better and I\'m sorry for that. What I can offer is friendship and an ear to listen, a hug to let you know you\'re not alone. I am sorry for your loss and your pain. Message me if you want.
I am so sorry, Gina. (((HUGS))), Julia
Oh Dear Gina, I am so sorry if I have ever hurt your feelings by calling Michael\'s death an accidental overdose. The fact is though, that it was exactly that! Michael did not mean to kill himself, he just overdid it that night. Most overdoses are accidental. There is no shame or blame in suicide. I have had to work through the blame on myself for raising two drug addicts! In a way, there is no closure through a drug overdose as well. I am sure not so much as a suicide, but I struggle with the fact that my son did this to himself. I know not the same, but regardless, he did it to himself. I do understand the \"selfish\" thoughts. My life is hard. I live alone, work, am 60 years old and see no end in sight for a better life. I often think that we would all be better off with me gone. How friggin selfish is that? I am so damn selfish that I am envious of women who have husbands and homes and don\'t have to go out to work. I struggle. And then I struggle with how selfish I am! I have thought that my remaining son, Jason, would get over my death quickly now that he has his own daughter to love and his fianc. And then I think of how my death would hurt him so. What a messed up thing this is! I love you, hang in there, The beginning of year three was the beginning of the end of how awful it was. Year one was pretty bad for me. Year two was not much better but I slowly absorbed lessons and started to understand things/feelings a bit more. I began to understand that my tsunami\'s would quickly subside if I just waited them out. Year three was when I started to feel alive again. Now, I am going on year eight. Yep, it still hurts terribly. Now, I am beating myself up because he has been gone so long that I feel like something is wrong with me that I do not miss him so much anymore and I cannot figure that one out. This is one tough journey we are on together but together is so much better than alone, and you are never alone! Hugs, XOXO and Peace, Belinda
Suicide is definitely not a shame. It is the result of unbearable inner pain and suffering. Almost like an invisible cancer......... Unfortunately not many people understand this. Please don\'t blame yourself, Gina! While Cassi was still with you, you gave her all the beautiful love you could! And you gave her the gun to protect herself with. That bond of love between you will always be there. You are not alone, my dear friend. We are always here for you.
Gentle hugs. xxx
Please don\'t ever feel ashamed, abandoned or blame yourself. No matter how our children died, they are gone and it \"SUCKS\". You are almost past the second year and maybe your perceptions can change and year three can be a year to heal and find purpose. You do have purpose. Just sharing your story helps others. My brother died from suicide. Suicide leaves it\'s victims still here and that\'s one of the most difficult parts to understanding why. I hold on to the fact that for some reason, life was just too painful at that moment for that person and pray that the pain is over and truly life is but a mere moment compared to eternity when you will be with your precious Cassi again. Much love. Robin
Cassi just wanted the pain to stop. I am sorry you and she had to go through this. Sending you some vibes of peace, Hugs, Kathy
I wish I had comforting words that would soothe your soul. All I have is, I love you. You matter. You have purpose beyond your precious Cassi. Yes it SUCKS big time!! But you can and you are finding your way.
I see my family treating my niece very differently than the way I was treated after losing Kala. I\'m both proud that I could \"show them the way\", and truthfully, a little pissed that she\'s getting all the outpouring of love that I didn\'t get. Don\'t get me wrong...my family loves me and mourned....but no one had window decals made....no one talked about Kala, said her name, asked about her, like they are about Cooper. No one gifted me with special charms or ornaments. I did all that stuff for myself. My SIL told me early on, \"It\'s not all about Kala\"......oh really? This same SIL just had pay it forward cards made for Cooper. Anyway, I\'m venting a little here, sorry.
This probably won\'t come out the way I truly mean it...and maybe you\'ll just say to hell with that!...but maybe, just possibly, you can teach someone else how to treat a mom who loses a child to suicide?? Megan is getting better care because I did it first and yelled and screamed practically \"do this, don\'t do that\" to my family.....trying desperately to teach them what I needed.
I feel cheated and proud at the same time...
I hope somehow the LOVE energy I\'m trying to send is felt by you and if anything I\'ve said here or at any other time offends or hurts you, please forgive me.
Much love and many prayers beautiful friend~
I have other children..it does not lessen the pain or the selfishness..My family does not think that they \"need\" me or my opinions. At times, my grief is a burden to them. Something they ignore it, especially when it conflicts with their own needs. I do not want to die, but I dream of walking away...running away from the constancy of trying to appease them, while barely hanging on to my own sanity.
Suicide adds that whole other regret and guilt dimension. I wonder what kind of mother did not know her son enough to see this coming? But that is the wrong way of thinking...I think the truth of it is that our kids knew us well enough to hide it.
The second year was hard..harder than the first. I think it is that the numbness has worn off. I threw myself into my Facebook groups and spend a good portion of my day commenting on posts as God leads...I need something positive or at least helpful to come from this tragedy. Next year the focus is on making this place into a retreat for moms to just come and be loved on. I hope you can find something that warms your heart and fills you with purpose. You walk a path many of us have forged before...we are many, yet alone.
Oh Gina....no one can ever truly understand each others pain...but I guarantee you that each of us has been to the darkest depth of sorrow. However we lost our child or children the sorrow is real. You are doing the best you can maneuvering this horrific path and you are surviving. You do have purpose, you are loved and the world needs you in it. Continue to take each day as it comes and one day you will be \"further along\" and helping other mothers maneuver this grief. Love you.
Yes, you are absolutely right that there is a level of added shame for those of us who lost our children to drugs/suicide because it was done by their own hand. The feelings of being judged as to what kind of mother am I that had a child who resorted to drugs to navigate his life. Deepest of sighs... Each loss carries its edges, its rawness and what I have come to believe with all of my BEing is that our children who died by the consequences of their own actions saw no other way in that moment. The pain of being in their earth suits was too great and perhaps now they are able to do the work they so passionately wanted to do without being encumbered by their earth suits. I don\'t begin to know how all of this works, yet I do hope that in one of my son\'s incarnations he will be without the disease of addiction. I remember telling him how sorry I was that he had inherited this disease and he told me that he was not as it was his path this time around. That was said to me by him at our last lunch that we shared as mother and son and I hold it tightly in my heart.
You are learning how to navigate this lonely path and it can feel exhausting. Year two is still so very raw and all I knew to do was just to keep awakening and walking. Somedays limping along, yet that is okay and that is what I see you do doing, Gina.
With you, caring and please keep sharing where you are finding yourself on this path because it matters.
Hand in hand and Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
Ok....I know I haven\'t been here when I should have. Did Cassi leave a note? I have had a number of friends, mainly men take their own lives....with no explanation. My son\'s very close friend took his life. It was a desperate attempt to leave behind his Father\'s abuse of himself and his whole family. I think I lost a friend on here - she was such a wonderful girl. She was in my self injury group...suddenly she was no more & my hands were tied. I read as much as I could of Dante\'s Inferno and have ink drawings depicting purgatory. I would never say Cassi is in HELL. I don\'t know if I really believe in it anymore. I am bring you this complicated quote for contemplation...it is from Hamlet. \"To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether \'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, \'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish\'d. To die, to sleep.\"
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there\'s the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, Hamlet
Two years is a very short time. I am so sick of suffering and grief. Wish I could find a short cut for all of us. I\'m six years down the path, and yes, it still hurts when the wave comes over me. I don\'t believe the suicides want to die, or even understand their desire. It is to end the pain of living, it\'s illness in the mind and body, and it\'s no one\'s fault.
Your life still has meaning, is precious, and important. How you will help others, more new on this path? I don\'t know, but your writing is so honest, so clear, that I know it will benefit others. Keep writing. Love, abby
No matter how our child died or what age they were, somehow along the way, we feel that we failed to teach them and/or protect them. It is just not fair, but things are not often filled with justice. After a half dozen years here, I am pretty sure we have all been on our private journeys to hell struggling with our loss(es). I know this path is heavy laden and difficult to travel but you do matter to many of us! I know I felt like giving up many times as well, but could not do that to my friends and family. Years ago, we did lose an FMO mom and it devastated and re-wounded many of us. It was very difficult as we all touch many lives (some we don\'t even realize) as we go through this world.
I understand your intense pain as do most of the others here. You are right to reach out and express yourself, as all of us here have needed to do so. We understand each other\'s pain better than most. Keep reaching out when you need help and know that we are here for you. We will guide you the best we know how. We care about YOU!!!
To me \"accidental\" is only a term for the police and for the insurance companies who pay life insurance claims. It has never entered my mind that any of the moms here are responsible for how their child left this world. I only see us all as victims going through horrible times together. Do you judge any of us for how our child(ren) died? I don\'t think anyone here does because what we care about is each other!!! Please try to understand my words as intended and not as a source of judgement, harshness or cruelty in any way. My intention is to help, to console, to love. If I have offended anyone, I am truly sorry.
Sending love and hugs of compassion for your pain,
Leda
Sending Much love to you...
Nell
My first son was murdered and there was a trial and justice was served. That was 15 years ago and today I received a letter from a guy who is in the same prison with the two brothers who took my son\'s life and he mentioned that the older brother has the look of remorse on hhis face and that he was sorry for hurting so many people and that I should forgive him one day. Well the fact is that I can never forgive him or his brother for what they did to my son, ever. Further more this guy has no right forgiving them , he was not a true friend of my son, his brother was. What I am really trying to say is this, it never mattered to me how my son died, the loss itself was just to big, to much and just to over whelming. Death is final, I could not fix this one, there is no coming back and only God can forgive. So dont let the cause of your daughter\'s death get to you, it really does not matter, the loss of her is what matters. We all here understand this pain and can help eachother with what we have learned. I learned that the cause never mattered to me. Take care of yourself and hope you have a peaceful New Year... XOX, Debbie