Better Day
I feel a little better today...I regret the things I wrote yesterday, I was emotional...It's hard to judge my reactions, I don't know if I am overreacting or underreacting...I don't know if I am really such a mess or if I just feel that way at times. Am I irrevocably damaged with good moments or a mature decent woman doing the best I can and just have bad moments.
I have put everything into my marriage, and there really are so many good aspects to it. No one has a perfect relationship...and after what we have been through...we have more mountains to climb than ever. I don't want to do this without him, I just want things my own way...just like everyone else in the world.
I am just heartbroken, like all of you, and trying to find my way. It feels like I am so far behind on the learning curve I don't know if I will ever catch up or if I will just keep treading water as hard as I can to keep my head above the surface.
I hope I get better.
I have put everything into my marriage, and there really are so many good aspects to it. No one has a perfect relationship...and after what we have been through...we have more mountains to climb than ever. I don't want to do this without him, I just want things my own way...just like everyone else in the world.
I am just heartbroken, like all of you, and trying to find my way. It feels like I am so far behind on the learning curve I don't know if I will ever catch up or if I will just keep treading water as hard as I can to keep my head above the surface.
I hope I get better.
Replies
Oh Gina. I am glad you are having a better day. But please do not regret sharing your feelings, be they good bad or in between. Writing them down helps us see things a bit more clearly.
You are so right. No one has a perfect marriage. I understand wanting things your own way. I never thought of myself as a control freak but I have to admit that I am. It torments me that I could not control what happened to Lisa.
I get that you felt like running away. But you said that your pain would go with you - that is so true.
Again, please don\'t hesitate to share your feelings - we all understand the highs and lows of this journey.
Love and hugs, M
Oh dear Gina, we all have our ups and downs. It\'s truly an emotional roller coaster ride. The woman I met at the retreat is a beautiful mature decent woman doing the best that she can to survive the trauma and heartbreak of losing a child. That woman is you dear Gina.
No need for regret. Here you can feel free to vent your feelings and be yourself. We are all on this journey, some farther along then others, some paths have gotten a bit more smooth and at different points in time. There is no standard timetable with grief.
You are doing what\'s good for you. Also, you journal and help others which in turn can help your broken heart heal.
Take care and like I continuously tell myself \"keep your head above water, but don\'t forget to breathe\".
With love and a tight hug,
Diane
I am glad that you are feeling better... Lauri
Hi Gina,
I just read your last few entries. Please don\'t feel regrets for your post, regardless of whether you feel differently today. It\'s good to put feelings in words and then react to them. Marriage is darn hard even at the best of times, and you are certainly not in the best of times. I have no idea, of course, what makes sense for you. My husband and I have had our ups and downs through 20 plus years of marriage. Speaking for me personally, one of the most positive things about our marriage after losing our son is being with the one person in the world who knows what I lost when I lost Jackson. It is comforting to live with the one person who lost what I lost and knows what that means. No one else understands, even my sister who has been wonderful. I don\'t know if you have that, but I hope you do. It is some small comfort in all of this craziness.
Hugs, Laura
I believe you are a mature, decent woman who is doing the best you can. I remember those moments when I would hurt for my husband and those moments when I would get so upset with him that my whole world seemed out of balance. I remember trying to keep my head above water and Lynn telling me to flip over and float awhile. It seemed so simple but it did make me giggle a bit. We each have to learn with our loss and get through the best we can and there are struggles, big struggles along the way. Sending you love and prayers for continued healing, Leda
You expressed your heart in that moment and that takes courage to do and it also helps others who have felt or are feeling very similar feelings. I remember feeling like such a freak in Al-Anon meetings when I shared from time to time, as if I were naked in front of a group of complete strangers. Oy... Then as I was walking out of the meeting I would feel a tap on my shoulder and someone would stop me and thank me for sharing what they were grappling with and hadn\'t been able to share yet...
I\'m 100% with Laura that our husbands, the father of of our children know better than anyone else the deepest recesses of our hearts and that is something that we can share, a common ground, a starting point.
I\'m always SO very grateful for the more peace filled days and please, please, please no regrets ever in sharing your heart. Your feelings and YOU matter.
Heartfelt (((hugs))) of care,
XO Joanie
You will find your way, trust me. It takes time, 3 steps forward 2 steps back. This is our journey of hard times tears and more tears. The men in our lives do not always show empathy mine was a pain in the a$$. He did improve somewhat. Now he has a brain disease so he is fading away at times. We will be married 39 years this Nov. It takes a lot of communication to keep things together.
I hope your days are more peaceful
Hugs Penny
Everyone is entitled to a bad day. It is good to keep the lines of communication open. We all have different ways of grieving especially men and women. Wishing you a peaceful weekend. xoxox