Bad
It has been a while since I have written but I am in a very bad place.
I would say it's been about 2 months now on a downward spiral and I have nearly hit bottom. The only reason I say I have not hit bottom is because I am still breathing...yes, those thoughts that haunt all grieving mothers have grabbed hold of me and won't let go. I realized I am in the same position my daughter was in. My mother is hysterical with worry, yet I simply don't have the strength to comfort her. My words ring hollow and though she knows it in her heart she grasps on to whatever hope I offer her.
The job that was supposed to save me has become a burden, yet being home makes me even more depressed. I feel so hopeless. Friends and family have abandoned me, whatever comfort they offered is gone. I don't know who I am anymore, or what I am supposed to do...all I know is I miss my child so much the pain is unbearable. I stay medicated, overmedicated, as she did at the end, and it isn't helping anymore. Yet I worry about my little dogs. If I were to die, what would happen to them. They can not care for themselves. I have spoiled them so much. My husband loves them as much as I do, but what if he went downhill without me, what if he couldn't care for them the same. They love me more than him anyway...or what if he eventually remarried, a woman who doesn't like dogs, or at least not my dogs.
I see my psychiatrist tomorrow, I am so hoping he can offer me different medications. I am finally willing to look for a counselor, so I must have some will to live, right??
Also, I have gotten very fat. I am not just depressed I am miserable physically, I can't get comfortable in my own skin, much less my clothes.
If I grow old, it will be alone...I just feel so hopeless.
I would say it's been about 2 months now on a downward spiral and I have nearly hit bottom. The only reason I say I have not hit bottom is because I am still breathing...yes, those thoughts that haunt all grieving mothers have grabbed hold of me and won't let go. I realized I am in the same position my daughter was in. My mother is hysterical with worry, yet I simply don't have the strength to comfort her. My words ring hollow and though she knows it in her heart she grasps on to whatever hope I offer her.
The job that was supposed to save me has become a burden, yet being home makes me even more depressed. I feel so hopeless. Friends and family have abandoned me, whatever comfort they offered is gone. I don't know who I am anymore, or what I am supposed to do...all I know is I miss my child so much the pain is unbearable. I stay medicated, overmedicated, as she did at the end, and it isn't helping anymore. Yet I worry about my little dogs. If I were to die, what would happen to them. They can not care for themselves. I have spoiled them so much. My husband loves them as much as I do, but what if he went downhill without me, what if he couldn't care for them the same. They love me more than him anyway...or what if he eventually remarried, a woman who doesn't like dogs, or at least not my dogs.
I see my psychiatrist tomorrow, I am so hoping he can offer me different medications. I am finally willing to look for a counselor, so I must have some will to live, right??
Also, I have gotten very fat. I am not just depressed I am miserable physically, I can't get comfortable in my own skin, much less my clothes.
If I grow old, it will be alone...I just feel so hopeless.
Replies
Oh, dear sister of my heart, we have all been near the bottom, holding onto life for dear life, itself. My psychiatrist helped me by aiding me to get good sleep. Insomnia, itself, can cause depression! and i still see a psychologist for weekly fine tuning. Life has changed so dramatically and tragically, that we imagine all the wrong turns that led us to this terrible place.
I am five years down the road. My surviving son was down this weekend, and, of course, I had to mention his older, deceased, wonderful, brother. He is always with us. But, big breathe, it does get easier and the pain gets spread out, throughout, and not only the terrible pain in the heart. I don\'t know how this happens, but it does. He is in every cell now.
I am so sorry you joined our group, but it is the right place to be. To write, and to think things out. We understand, and I send you my love and a comfy hug. Abby
It was my family and furry family that saved me too! I hope you can find a little relief every now and then. I know... Abby is right though, at some point it does get better, but I don\'t know how either. Sending love!
Dearest Gina. I feel the pain in your words. I wish I had great words of wisdom. I am so glad you are seeing your psychiatrist, and going to seek counseling. You are worth it!!!!
As for the weight gain; depression and weight issues go hand in hand - you get depressed, then you gain weight. It makes you feel worse and you gain more weight. I am sorry you are so on your own.
I wonder if the job you have is too emotional for you at the moment. I know I had do patience with petty stuff at work after we lost Lisa. Could you decrease your hours perhaps?
The one thing I wouldn\'t advise is going on a diet. That is more stress. I just focused on eating healthy foods as much as possible. I still like my wine, beer and wings, and KFC! The beer and wings and KFC are the occasional treat. As for wine, I have a glass or 2 each evening. Who would have thunk it but it is now recommended.
As Abby said, it does get better. But I think most of us needed help along the way, whether from a psychiatrist or counselor or both.
Hang in my friend. I want a hug in October!!
Love and tight hugs
Marlene
Be completely open with your psychiatrist tomorrow. Tell him/her you are feeling suicidal. Some of the meds we are prescribed add to our understandable suicidal tendencies in this tragic life we are living. If he doesn\'t know and think it\'s depression he could make the matter worse by prescribing one of those drugs. You are in my thoughts. And yes I\'ve definitely been where you are Gina. Pull through this and journal as much as you want. We are listening.
Just sending you tight hugs and prayers. Those first two years are really rough on us!
Oh Gina, I am so sorry that you are having such a struggle. Maybe you need to have a change of scenery. Somewhere without all the reminders. Somewhere it is safe to vent about how you really feel without worrying about stressing out other people. It is so easy to get stuck in that whirlpool of depression. We stick a toe in and it can just suck us in. Keep venting here. We can take it..love Lauri
Gina, I am now moving through the third year of this nightmare. I have gained weight, I have lost the passion for life and I hurt, each and every day. Yet, I can still look around and SEE reasons to hang around, just as your precious dogs.
I am not going to tell you that life is worth living. I\'m not their yet. I am getting through my days the best I can, right now. If your job is too much, too stressful and too much right now, then stick up for YOU.
Even through your darkest hour, you are still able to see some value in being here. BE HERE.
Journal every time you desperately need an ear. Journal just to say hi. Journal to let us, the other Moms who are so desperately supporting each other through our hours on need knowing that each and every one of us hit our own bottoms, or come really close.
You are here Gina. For now, that is awesome. Remember, today is as different as night and day from the first year.
I promise.
(((hugs)))
Merrilee
My dear friend, I fully understand how you feel. I also have no support from my family, and I don\'t have many friends. Lately I am trying to figure out who I am! I used to be \"wife of ...\", but now I\'m just another widow. I also used to be \"Colleen\'s mom and caregiver\", but now she\'s gone. My 2 older children are wonderful, but they are really independant adults, and I feel like an extra burden.
Fortunately my older daughter is recovering from 2 big operations, and I can help take care of her and my granddaughter. But this is only temporary. And them I\'ll be alone again, trying to figure out who I am exactly .......
My dear, please do not give up now. There definitely is something worth living for in your life, your beautiful furry children, who love you and need you very much!
Warm, loving hugs! xxx
I love you. I have nothing else to offer at this time. I hope you will be 100% honest with your doctor today. I see you struggling, greatly....and I see you reaching out. There IS hope. Please keep fighting. YOU ARE WORTH IT!
I\'m so sorry... I understand your pain... I just hope that you\'ll keep pulling from deep inside... for your dogs, for your husband, for Cassie too... I have seen Cassie through your words and feel grateful for her... I hope you feel her love around you as you struggle... The only thing I can say because of my own life experiences... Please tell your counselor honestly how you\'re feeling... Don\'t worry about the weight... it can be dealt with later... I have found through the years that when thoughts of suicide start forming I seriously have to work on not following the thoughts... not to feed the beast is how I describe it... Going to see the counselor is a good step. We\'re here and we do care. Hugs Elissa
Prayerful that you gather all the tools that you can to help you on this path each of us must find a way walk.
Your life matters as do you dearest Gina...
Tender and the most loving care to wrap you up and help you ride out this storm. It will not always feel the way it does today and you must have a tomorrow so that you can discover that for yourself.
With love,
XO Joanie
I care about you, even though I know words seem like they are hitting a brick wall. I\'m glad you are writing because you know, sisters here get it like no other. YOU MATTER.....and you are going to say ? to who? your fur babies, your husband and your mother--besides here.....
I\'m glad you are going to see a doctor....counseling helped me keep on keepin on when I did not want to.....Tightest of hugs, Gina. Vicki
DEAR GINA: I THINK EVERY MOTHER ON THIS SITE FELT OR FEELS LIKE YOU DO. I DID, I TOLD YOU I THOUGHT I WAS GOING INSANE. I GAINED SO MUCH WEIGHT MY WHOLE LIFE WAS IN TURMOIL. I DID,NT WANT TO LEAVE THE HOUSE. AND I STILL FEEL SO MUCH EMPTYNESS BUT DO YOU THINK YOUR DAUGHTER CASSIE WOULD WANT YOU TO KILL YOUR SELF??? I DON,T THINK SO. SHE WOULD WANT YOU TO CARRY ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND BE HAPPY. THINK OF HER AS YOUR ONLY DAUGHTER WHICH SHE IS . SHE WANTS YOU TO GO ON IN YOUR LIFE IT WILL GET BETTET (I BET YOU ARE SICK OF HEARING THAT.) PLEAASE WHY DON,T YOU ORDER A PIZZA TONIGHT AND WATCH A GOOD MOVIE IT MIGHT CHEER YOU UP\\. PLEASE WRITE IF YOU N EED HELP JUST TALKING CAN HELP YOU. BLESS YOUR ANGEL CASSIE LOTS LOF LOVE AND HUGS. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. LOVE M ARY ANN AX
I certainly understand your despair. It is so difficult. I hope your visit today brings you some hope and relief. sue xo
so sad that we all understand here... so sad... love to you...