Lonely
My daughter was lonely. She had friends, family, but she was lonely. How do I know??? Well, I am lonely. It's a cruel contradiction. I am a natural introvert, as was my child. We, true introverts, live in a world of our own. We have to create our own energy, we have to have our own space, our own time. Being around too many people drains us, overwhelms us...we get lonely and reach out...then we become overwhelmed and withdraw, needing time...then we are lonely again. Are we socially inept??? I don't know. This is what I do know...at this time I am watching television, sort of, in my bedroom. My husband is asleep in his recliner with football on the television...so close yet so distant. I grew up with a distant father and married a distant man, however, at times I am so grateful that my husband gives me my space...it's so complicated, I am so complicated.
As time passes I am so terrified of forgetting my child. I realize it is an unreasonable fear, yet it's very real to me. I have boxes of packed pictures I have not unpacked yet. Cassi at all ages, from the adorable baby girl to the desperate young woman. It makes me very sad looking through the pictures, it makes me feel so guilty letting them collect dust in the garage.
I haven't been to the cemetery in so long...it doesn't seem real anymore. It doesn't feel like Cassi is there, but of course I feel like a terrible mother for not going. My husband finally turned her cell phone off, so I can't call her number and hear her voicemail message. I have many texts on my phone that make me sad whn I read back through them, yet they are so precious to me.
I guess this seems like a rambling entry...I am not able to write as well right now as I can't put my finger on exactly what I am feeling. I know I am a lot better, but I am so sad. Not breaking down hysterically crying sad, just quietly sad. I would welcome a good cry, it would hopefully purge some of this, but it just isn't where I am right now.
Cassi's walk is coming up November 8th...Out of the Darkness walk. I am close to my goal, which is great, but I do not have as many people walking with me as I expected. People who loved her, I know they did, yet they have moved on. I see other walks with large teams...why is it that Cassi's friends, my friends, are not all walking with me??? It is very, very painful. I understand them moving on, even I have had to move on to some degree...but I still honor my child. It makes me think they want to forget about her death, which I understand, but in forgetting about her death they have to be forgetting about her as well...because it's a part, a very sad part, of her, of the story of her life. It feels like betrayal and I have been betrayed so much already...Cassi has been betrayed so much already. It makes me wonder if there would be anyone walking for me if I were gone.
Beautiful new home, great new job...but my baby is still gone. My baby is still gone.
As time passes I am so terrified of forgetting my child. I realize it is an unreasonable fear, yet it's very real to me. I have boxes of packed pictures I have not unpacked yet. Cassi at all ages, from the adorable baby girl to the desperate young woman. It makes me very sad looking through the pictures, it makes me feel so guilty letting them collect dust in the garage.
I haven't been to the cemetery in so long...it doesn't seem real anymore. It doesn't feel like Cassi is there, but of course I feel like a terrible mother for not going. My husband finally turned her cell phone off, so I can't call her number and hear her voicemail message. I have many texts on my phone that make me sad whn I read back through them, yet they are so precious to me.
I guess this seems like a rambling entry...I am not able to write as well right now as I can't put my finger on exactly what I am feeling. I know I am a lot better, but I am so sad. Not breaking down hysterically crying sad, just quietly sad. I would welcome a good cry, it would hopefully purge some of this, but it just isn't where I am right now.
Cassi's walk is coming up November 8th...Out of the Darkness walk. I am close to my goal, which is great, but I do not have as many people walking with me as I expected. People who loved her, I know they did, yet they have moved on. I see other walks with large teams...why is it that Cassi's friends, my friends, are not all walking with me??? It is very, very painful. I understand them moving on, even I have had to move on to some degree...but I still honor my child. It makes me think they want to forget about her death, which I understand, but in forgetting about her death they have to be forgetting about her as well...because it's a part, a very sad part, of her, of the story of her life. It feels like betrayal and I have been betrayed so much already...Cassi has been betrayed so much already. It makes me wonder if there would be anyone walking for me if I were gone.
Beautiful new home, great new job...but my baby is still gone. My baby is still gone.
Replies
I feel I am walking with youquietly sad, heartbroken, crying with you and for you
Understanding the deep sadness that when all all falls away this is what I know I feel. It has degrees within it for me and when the deep sadness comes it still takes my breath away.
With you and caring...
What sadness and longing. Those feelings are so familiar.
I understand the feeling of not wanting to forget. I used to worry about it but now realize I could never forget my phenomenal daughter. It is just so sad that such wonderful, talented girls could be taken so soon. They had so much more life to live.
Please don\'t feel guilty about not going to the cemetery. Cassi isn\'t there. She is in your heart and around you.
I did have to smile when i read your comments about being an introvert. I am too. I could put on the outgoing mask at work but like you, I need my down time. My staff never really believed that I was introverted - they saw me acting. I think a lot of what we do is acting. Only we know what is on our minds and in our hearts. Like Cassi, Lisa was an introvert but only her closest friends and family really knew her.
Come to think of it - you mentioned that your husband was watching a game. Joe is watching soccer. In fact that is what he does a lot of the time. I am an introvert but he is the epitome of an introvert! When we are out with our friends, he often says next to nothing. I used to scold him. His comment was \"If I have something to say I will say it\". Luckily, our close friends understand him.
There is one big difference though - We are a generation ahead of you!LOL
Walking this sad and lonely road with you.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
Gina, introverts do not have as large of a group of friends as extroverts have. It is explained well in the last chapter of the book \"Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can\'t Stop Talking\" by Susan Cain. The book compares them to Harry Potter (which I have never read.) I think of Brick on the TV program \"The Middle.\"
Sadness and longing are a road we did not choose but instead it chose us. The situation of losing a child sets us apart even further. I have a friend who often prods me to say more. Another good friend said something to the effect (third party like I wasn\'t there). \"She doesn\'t say much but oh, when she does...!\" My other good friend is as loyal as a puppy dog and sticks with me through think and thin, just as she is still loyal to certain brands or companies such as Hoover or State Farm Insurance Company! Thinking about it makes me laugh!
Gina, I understand all too well!
Sending love your way,
Leda
I agree with Marlene Cassi is in your heart not at the cemetery. She is in your memory. I am at a point when I look at pictures I can smile and remember that fun time.
I do hope things improve for you
big Hugs Penny
I wrote a great deal but it was erased! Sorrry for yourr grief, i walk with you.
Gina, on November 8th I will be walking for your daughter. She is not forgotten as she is in your heart and all of ours too. Hugs, Kathy
Cassi will never be forgotton by you, her mom, or by any of us here. I could have written what you wrote....lonely, sad...doesn\'t really matter what anyone else does....in our hearts we, ALONE, miss our child more than life itself. With you tonite....hugs.....Vicki
(((hugs)))
The things my mind may forget....my heart never will. And your heart can never, ever forget Cassi!
In the beginning of my nightmare, I envisioned great things being done for Kala....proving I suppose my love and the love others had for her. What I\'ve come to realize is, I have honored my child best by following her example.....reaching out and helping others. And her friends, as I\'ve discovered over the years have been honoring her all along in many ways I will never know about. So, for me, just for me, anything I do in honor of my child, whether it is recognized by others or not, IS always known to my Kala! And truth is, that\'s all that really matters to me.
So my dear, you walk with pride, with your head held high, and honor your amazing Cassi with all the joy and tears that may be that day!
One more thing, I rarely go to the cemetery any more. And some moms don\'t have a spot to even go to.... But it\'s not the \"place\" where we spend time with our children; for truly, the only place we can spend time with them is in our hearts. EVERYWHERE I go, I invite Kala to go with me. And going to the cemetery is her least favorite!!! This I know for fact.
Tight hugs and lots of love energy~~
Walking with you also. Jackson was also an introvert. They are misunderstood. One of the loveliest condolence cards I received was from a cousin who spoke of feeling a kindred spirit as a fellow introvert despite the fact she didn\'t know Jackson well. I think you are doing what you need to be doing now and that is keeping busy with work. We can only live in pure pain for a finite period of time and need to find other ways of coping. I have to believe that Cassi would understand.
I feel no one wanted to remember Ken. At his memorial was it for show when over400 attended. Sad is life goes on and it goes without us We are mostly left saddened wanting someone to just say their name. Yet. No one wants to as their lives have gone on. We finally just remember our child deep in that empty hole that will never grow over always pierced and we keep the memories safe as we did the best we could to keep our child safe. Now they are forever us.
I agree with Sandy & Teri. They all move on and we are left with our memories. Each day that we move and live, we honor our children and they see this so it make them happy. Continue to keep blessing our children by living for them. Hugs, Kathy