Lost
My husband went to our home today to cut the grass and start moving stuff out. We put it on the market and we have bought a house near our location now. I like this area, it was the last place I saw Cassi happy. I have not returned to the home we raised her in...haven't driven by, haven't even gotten close. I am not sure my heart can take it. So he is handling it all...bringing back boxes of things for me to go through...I am trying to discard as much as possible, the house we bought is much smaller. It's so bittersweet...finding something special that belonged to my baby...so much emotion, the memories attached to things and the immediate remembrance that she is no longer with me, not in a physical sense anyway.
How did this happen??? This nightmare that isn't really a nightmare but reality...was this what I signed up for??? In my life contract??? Or was my child in more pain than she could tolerate and had to get away from it???
There are so many things I can't bear to throw away...all her Disney movies, even though they are vhs...they were so much a part of her childhood. Disney rereleased 101 Dalmations in 1991 and I bought it for her when I was pregnant with her...the first of her Disney collection...then came all the other movies...most made me cry...The Lion King, Beauty and The Beast, Aladdin...I can't throw them away so I am saving them. Then I wonder who I am saving them for??? It's such a horrible feeling knowing that when you die, there will be no more of you. I know parents with many children don't want their pain minimized and I really hope I don't hurt anyone's feelings...but she was my only child...I will have no grandchildren...no one to leave all these things to that are so precious. Once I am gone, they will lose their value. No one will love her "bankie" that she carried around for years and is so worn out and threadbare...All the pictures...all the scrapbooks I painstakingly made that are now out of style...her frilly pink dress I wanted to bring her home in that she distinctly disagreed with my plan...she fussed until I took it off of her and she came home in a little hospital shirt and a diaper...she slept the whole way home. A couple of months later I had her photos taken wearing the dress...she was a little more agreeable by then. I could make her smile and distract her from the scratchy lace.
I am so lonely...she was a part of me, the best part of me...there is nothing or no one that can fill the void she left...I loved her so much. I remember once I jokingly texted her that I would stomp through a meadow of puppies for her (we are both animal lovers)... but I would.
I miss my baby, I miss my life, I miss the hopes and dreams I had for her future and mine.
How did this happen??? This nightmare that isn't really a nightmare but reality...was this what I signed up for??? In my life contract??? Or was my child in more pain than she could tolerate and had to get away from it???
There are so many things I can't bear to throw away...all her Disney movies, even though they are vhs...they were so much a part of her childhood. Disney rereleased 101 Dalmations in 1991 and I bought it for her when I was pregnant with her...the first of her Disney collection...then came all the other movies...most made me cry...The Lion King, Beauty and The Beast, Aladdin...I can't throw them away so I am saving them. Then I wonder who I am saving them for??? It's such a horrible feeling knowing that when you die, there will be no more of you. I know parents with many children don't want their pain minimized and I really hope I don't hurt anyone's feelings...but she was my only child...I will have no grandchildren...no one to leave all these things to that are so precious. Once I am gone, they will lose their value. No one will love her "bankie" that she carried around for years and is so worn out and threadbare...All the pictures...all the scrapbooks I painstakingly made that are now out of style...her frilly pink dress I wanted to bring her home in that she distinctly disagreed with my plan...she fussed until I took it off of her and she came home in a little hospital shirt and a diaper...she slept the whole way home. A couple of months later I had her photos taken wearing the dress...she was a little more agreeable by then. I could make her smile and distract her from the scratchy lace.
I am so lonely...she was a part of me, the best part of me...there is nothing or no one that can fill the void she left...I loved her so much. I remember once I jokingly texted her that I would stomp through a meadow of puppies for her (we are both animal lovers)... but I would.
I miss my baby, I miss my life, I miss the hopes and dreams I had for her future and mine.
Replies
I gave about 100 VHS tapes to a friend who suddenly found herself with the custody of three young female grandchildren. I also gave her the beautiful picture books, treasures really, from when April was not yet able to read.
The rest: my friends Mary and Arvella boxed up. It\'s in storage. All her art work (cartons of it); her stuffed animals; her personal belongings; her collectibles; along with furniture I can\'t look at any more (including the expensive brass headboard for her bed). In storage. Her Dad pays for it: $69 a month until we both die. He was able to go there several weeks ago when he came up to see me and we visited the grave. He went in and tried to get out boxes of art work, the things he valued most. Now he has the key to the storage because I will never, most likely never, be able to even go near it.
I gave her Crosby, handmade English saddle, and her top of the line riding helmet (they call it a \"hat\"), along with a stand and a crop and leather chaps, two years ago to a 14 year old girl whose parents had divorced. She owned a horse but her father had not given her the saddle and other things he had promised. The caretaker of my house, my good friend and neighbor Bob, opened the garage and had a long talk with the child (Rachel) and her mother, and then reported to me that I had done the right thing. But I already knew that.
You don\'t throw anything away unless time has passed; you give away only what makes sense in charity and love for others. The rest, you store. Don\'t go to the house. Someday perhaps you will be ready, but if not that\'s okay. My house got sold. I didn\'t go to the closing, my attorney handled it. When occasionally I pass the street it is on, I do not look down that street and I guaranty you I WILL NEVER DRIVE down that street, I WILL NEVER LOOK at that house again.
Yes you are lonely my dear friend. Yes she was a part of you and she still is and she will always be a part of you. Nothing and no one can fill the void. This is the first very harsh lesson. I know what you miss. I know it by heart. Remember my metaphor: our ship has sunk. We are in a lifeboat. With us is a large and dangerous tiger. That tiger is our grief. We must learn to live with it, to feed it without starving ourselves, to somehow create a peace between us where we can breathe once in a while free of the stomach cramp of grief and horror. I am learning. You will learn.
Now: what is the next step in our journey on this vast ocean in this fragile lifeboat? To hope for land. Somewhere, sometimes, I do spy \"land\" the way one vaguely spies it when on a cruise ship passing a country too far to actually see but that is absolutely \"there\". Will our lifeboats ever take us to a \"land\" where we can disembark, where our tiger will go his own way, and where we can open our hearts to beauty without ever forgetting the experience of shipwreck? I pray this is so.
If I found land, I don\'t think I would let my tiger go away...I would follow him, I cling to him, he reminds me that I HAD A CHILD. SHE WAS IMPORTANT AND I WOULD RATHER SUFFER THE MEMORIES than forget a single thing and I\'m so tired...I\'m so tired.
I know a lot of the others are at Tahoe. I had to respond. I STILL have stuff that belonged to my son and every once in awhile when I am digging through crap I find a birthday card her gave me or something that has his hand writing. I have his VHS kid disney movies. Also, his blankie...the one he wouldn\'t admit to having in his bed as an adult. That poor old thing has seen a lot of mileage. IT IS OKAY to feel the way you do. You are still very much at the beginning of your journey. You don\'t have to answer if you don\'t want to or you can message me. Did your daughter leave a note, how did she make her exit, sometimes knowing that information can help respond to your present. Because you are just starting your NEW life. That;s how I put it. EVERYTHING is either before Matt was killed or After he was killed.
\"Forlorn! the very word is like a bell
To toll me back from thee to my sole self!
Adieu! the fancy cannot cheat so well
As she is famed to do, deceiving elf.
Adieu! adieu! thy plaintive anthem fades
Past the near meadows, over the still stream,
Up the hill-side; and now \'tis buried deep
In the next valley-glades:
Was it a vision, or a waking dream?
Fled is that music:---do I wake or sleep?\"
John Keats
I have other children and I do not take offense in the least. You are correct in that our pain is not less, but I understand your rationalization that you only had Cassi and you have no one to leave her treasures, your treasures to. My other children don\'t want most of Patrick\'s things. I had to force them to take a shirt each just to appease me. His wife had thrown them out. I have his son..my grandson to tell his stories to and I don\'t take that for granted because of you and all the mothers of one child. When I think of my son, I fall apart for the moment, but I am jerked out my misery to meet another kids need.
You have every right to miss all that you have lost.
On the other hand, I now cannot give my all to my other children because I am frozen with fear and grief at the thought that I will make a wrong turn and they will take their lives as well. Horrific journey this road is no matter what fork we choose to take. Understanding you, Lauri
Hi Gina - I identify with every word you wrote.....as I have written in previous journals - I cleaned out my daughter\'s duplex, then storage and I have a spare bedroom along with 2 sheds full of my daughter\'s things.....I know, I know, I know.....keep whatever you want to keep for however long you want to keep it. It gives me comfort to have my daughter\'s things around me....doesn\'t really make sense to anyone else but me, BUT I\'m okay with that....it was my daughter. When it\'s time, you will know what to do with Cassi\'s things--whether donate, keep or .....
I donated many things to a women\'s shelter, toys at Christmas time...it\'s hard to do any of that.....somehow in giving Jennifer\'s things away, I felt as if I somehow was giving her away...I had to keep reminding myself that my memories would be there even if the \"stuff\" wasn\'t....I was also told to take a picture of things and keep them on a CD, then I could actually give away those things if I needed to...haven\'t done that yet.
I also have lots of things that no-one else would want...yes she has a son who is 13, but not sure he would want some of those things even as he becomes older....It is a lonely feeling to know I have no other children and many of the things that I thought my daughter would inherit from me won\'t happen now.....I know, Gina.......
Somehow our identity as a mom seems so weird now...DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT....this was not supposed to happen.....I\'m so so sorry Gina..
Understanding you, keeping you close to my heart. Vicki
Keep everything that you need to dear Gina... I don\'t understand how this could have happened to any of us and to have it be your only child or both of your children, well there are just no words that can express my heart.
Knowing you would have done anything in this world to have kept Cassi here and I will never, ever understand why any mother has to experience the most devastating loss that can ever be felt.
With you and caring so very much,
Gentle hugs,
XO Joanie
I agree - don\'t get rid of stuff until you are ready. I understand the feeling. I also keep things and ask myself who I am saving them for. I have a lot of stuff that only have meaning for me. I have decided that I am saving them for me. I have gradually gotten rid of things but I am certainly not done! But they will go only when I know it is time.
I love hearing about Cassi. Thank you for sharing Gina.
Love to Cassi.
Hugs, Marlene
Gina, I know how you feel about not having anyone to leave Cassi\'s things to. It is only my husband and myself now as Jason was also an only child. I had saved all of Jasons childhood toys, mementos, etc. thinking that my grandchildren would love to have them. Since there will be no grandchildren, I kept Jasons things for a long time. I finally realized that if I gave them to organizations or people that had nothing, that could really use them and wear them, it was a way of keeping my sons memory alive, as being the kind of person he was, he would have been happy knowing that his possessions gave cheer to someone unfortunate. I finally gathered all his clothing and donated them to our local young mens homeless shelter. I cant describe the joy on the faces of the people there when we dropped them off. All his toys, disney movies, etc. I donated to a Crisis Assistance Ministry that took in abused mothers and children and they needed toys, movies, etc. for the children to play with. I kept his trophies, xmas decorations he made at school, cards, letters.......all his personal things that would not mean anything to anyone else but us, and gave his girlfriend some things she wanted, but I still think about the desperate and lost boys who may be wearing his clothes and the abused kids who may be playing with his toys, and I just know that Jason is there with them, and it does lift my spirits. Dont be in a rush to decide what to do with Cassi\'s things. You will know when the time is right. Sending lots of love down your way. Katrina
Oh Gina, I know....my heart is with you, I so understand everything you are feeling. My son, Jeremy was 16 when he was in the fatal car accident and my only other son was 10 at the time. As the years passed and I would meet new people they would often ask me HOW I could bear losing Jeremy. In my heart I always believed that had it not been for Mike I wouldn\'t have survived...and I know that you\'re not minimizing any mom\'s loss. I often wondered how in the world a parent could survive the loss of their only child. I did feel like I had a future through Mike...not one that I planned on, but one that I could still have the mom wishes...marriage, grandchildren, whatever...just something to hope for. Then 12 years later, my precious Mike also was in a fatal car accident at 22 years old. Now I also join the mom\'s who have physically lost more than 1 child, or their only child, no grandchildren, my identity, my hope, dreams. I get it....
I still own the home that Jeremy, Mike and I shared but I rent it out. In fact, Mike had just starting moving in to it when he passed. For me, it ripped my heart to shreds to go in there and at it the same time I wanted to...to touch everything he had touched. I donated things like dishes, I use some of his furniture, I gave some of his shirts and hats to friends that asked for them and I donated his weights and exercise equipment to the high school they both attended (that makes me smile to think of other kids using it). The rest is packed away in a closet at my house...the same closet that has some of Jeremy\'s things packed away. I don\'t go in there often, but I find comfort in knowing that I can if I want to...and I do a few times a year. About 2 years after Mike\'s passing, my niece and her new husband came to visit (they live in another state) and mentioned that they started scuba lessons. I was overwhelmed at the feeling of Mike telling me to give his wetsuit and scuba tank to them and I did. It\'s a good feeling and they know who it belonged to and will use and cherish it. I still also have many of Mikes shirts hanging in a closet and I wrap them around myself sometimes, just closing my eyes trying to \"feel\" his arms around me. I\'ve framed a couple of pieces of their artwork and hung it in a room. I know all this is so long and about me, but I just want you to know that I believe we are all different and there is no right or wrong thing to do with Cassie\'s personal belongings...just don\'t rush and if there is a time that is right to give things away you will know it. Whatever YOU feel is okay and right.
My heart breaks for you as I feel like you do about passing things on...who will want them? There\'s no one left here on earth to pass memories or things on to. I understand the pain you are feeling...I do still have that, but I want you to know that at some point it won\'t be so gut wrenching. Be tender with yourself, take your time and let whatever you need to be just be.
I can\'t tell you how many times I\'ve asked the same questions...is this what I signed up for...what they signed up for....our life contracts? I wish I had an answer to those big questions. I don\'t understand why this is happening to any of us. Big sigh...and tight hugs to you, we are all with you hand in hand walking this path that we walk together, not alone.
I love to hear about your precious Cassie and how headstrong she was from the beginning...she knew what she wanted to wear from those first days. What sweet memories. I hope you continue to share her with us.
Heart to heart hugs to you, Valerie
I do have other children and while I do feel that my pain is no different from anyone else\'s, no less because I have living children - I do think that to lose your only child/children must be....well, I don\'t even know how to put it, because it\'s all devastating.....just so, so numbing. So hard. So many more feelings to deal with - and I am so sorry, Gina.
Joanna x
Gina, I too lost my only child and just not to be called \"mom\" again in this life is so painful. My identity as I sure yours was, was very wrapped up in being a mom.
There is no timeline. Keep whatever you need to of Cassi\'s as long as you need to. You will know if and when its time to donate her things. I am approaching Ed\'s fifth angel date on 9/4 and this past week I was out in the country house/dog sitting for a friend. I decided to take all the sympathy cards so many kind and loving people sent when Eddie died and put them in the fire pit. I knew I never wanted to read them again but I felt I couldn\'t just throw them away so Ken and I and a friend watched them go up in smoke sent to heaven with love for Ed.
It took me almost 5 years to decide what to do with the sympathy cards. There is no right or wrong. Just be gentle on yourself. It takes time.
Love to you and dearest Cassi, Linda
i read your journal and my heart broke for you. don\'t give anything away yet. they are all your treasures of memories of your beloved daughter. be gentle with yourself. i understand the loss of a loved one...my brother died of cancer four years ago. sending healing hugs and love your way.
GINA, this journey is truly hard and as Gina said not being called Mom is one of the very painful events for sure. I too am in the same spot with no one to pass the girls things. I have done some weeding and yet there is still so much to be done. I am trying to make my heart and head concentrate on the joy of their lives and not on their passing. Vibes of peace to you, Kathy