I am going back to yoga class later...have a friend going with me so I am going to try to get some emotion out now...usually I have a cryfest every night, want to try to get it over.
I wanted to wear one of Cassi's tee shirts but wasn't sure if that was okay. I have a deck of Doreen Virtue's Angel Cards, so I shuffled the deck and pulled a card at random and got Omega, which is for Victory, so I took that as a yes, I can wear it.
I can't describe how much of a voyeur I feel like going thru her things. It feels disrespectful to me, to just have access to all her thingsand it is worse than that. She had beautiful blue eyes, crystal clear. When she was at the funeral home, I lifted her eyelid. It was cloudy and gray. I felt horrible about doing that and still do...feel like I invaded her privacy or something. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone, but it was how I felt and still feel. 
My husband is the warden of a state prison here in Florida, and we live in state housing, the warden's house. I actually love the house and we have plenty of privacy...but also on the state grounds in a firing range. Every employee has to qualify with the weapons once a year. I can hear them, the gunshots. I can't stand the sight of a gun.
All this time, over 5 months, and I still wonder what the hell happened and if it did actually happen. It doesn't make sense...our last phone call, January 31st, a Friday, she sounded upbeat. Sunday, February 2nd, we got the call. ..and I am still living, my heart is still beating and I just don't understand how that is possible or why it is possible. I spoke to a friend of my mother's today. Her husband is very sick, waiting on an organ transplant and I was telling her I was more worried about her than him because if I had the choice of being the one to go or the one to stay I would most definitely be the one to go...then I had to backtrack and say "I don't mean he's going, well, we all are eventually". But you know what??? If I had to choose...between me and Cassi...one of us living and one not, I would still want her to be the one to go because I would never want her to go thru what I am going thru. 
I have a million things running thru my head all the time...trying to make sense of all this, because I just have to make this count...I have to do some good in her honor. I am working on a speech, or a presentation...hoping to speak at schools, churches, anywhere that will have me...telling my story, Cassi's story...hoping there is some kid I can convince not to give up. I don't like public speaking, don't like people looking at me and there is no way I am emotionally ready to do this. But I have to try...no not try, I have to do it.
Also, her birthday is coming up...so I have to make some kind of decision about how to handle it. I think just taking to my bed for the entire month of August would be the easiest thing for me to do, but I would feel guilty about that too. I don't know if I should have something at home...the week, THAT week...She died Sunday and we had her funeral the following Saturday...it seemed like hundreds of people were in and out of my house. I didn't like it at all...I hid in my room...I only came out if we had to go somewhere and I would make my way to the laundry room and out into the garage before anyone saw me. My husband was a rock...he stepped up, handled all the people while I hid in the dark and overmedicated, just trying to stay asleep. I couldn't be a gracious hostess...how could anyone??? Still don't think I can. Also there are complications, friends of Cassi's that don't like each other...everyone feeling guilty but a lot of finger pointing too. How can I honor the date of her birth??? How could I possibly top that date, 23 years ago?? There are no easy answers and at the risk of sounding like a pity-party, nothing in my life has ever been easy. 
I feel lost...right now, it will most likely pass. Thank you sisters for "listening", reading, my journal entries.