So sad
Oh Dear God...I just don't know what to do...it's hitting me hard today...it's just do damned unfair!!! DAMNIT!!!!! I never asked for much in life and never got much...but I had it ALL when I had her. She was all my dreams come true, all my love and joy personified...she was all I wanted and all I needed...why, oh why...my baby. How is everyone else going on and acting like everything is okay, everything is NOT okay, will never be okay. I want her back, I know I can't have that...but if it were possible I think I would sell my soul to the devil to have an hour with her, to hold her, kiss her beautiful hands...look into those eyes, those eyes.
Replies
((((((((((( Gina )))))))))) I have spent perhaps hundreds of hours in the place you are now in. It\'s not the \"devil\" you want to \"sell your soul\" to. God alone has the ability to allow our children to come to us, to let us know they are OKAY, healed, and living in a way different from this place. No everything is not ok and it never will be my dear sister. BE ANGRY, it\'s normal. Asking WHY is normal. I\'m getting closer to an answer because for my entire life I have had daily conversations with God and more than dozens of amazing representations of His presence. You just passed 6/2, you know what that means. This result is normal and to be expected. I had it also yesterday, three years and three months from 3/2/11. We hear you; and in your voice, we hear our own. We feel your pain because we have it also. You are not alone, small help but better than none. You know, I remember having my first colonoscopy (what a thing to have to talk about publicly, oy) in October 2011. I was having problems (the reason for which was removed that day). I was SO very upset waiting for my \"turn\" to go in for my procedure. A \"nurse\" asked me why I was so upset and I told her last March I lost my daughter to serious mental illness and suicide. This \"nurse\" looked me in the face with the brightest and most glorious expression and said \'YOUR DAUGHTER IS IN PARADISE!\" I wonder, was that a real person on the payroll? Or was that an angel?
As would each of us, you are not alone! Hugs and love, so many prayers and much strength! One step, one moment, one breath at a time! Lynette _ Matthews mom
We have all been there and are still there darling...don\'t beat yourself up about it. That\'s why this site was born because we needed a place where we could all vent without judgement. (((HUGS))) Connie
Oh Gina, I know how hard this is..the pain is unbearable yet bear it we must...somehow. There is no shortcut but the waves of grief get less intense over time and subside quicker. There is nothing right or acceptable about losing your dear Cassi. I am so sorry. I wish I was there to sit with you and hold your hand through this ordeal. At first the pain is so intense one cannot breathe but then there are seconds then minutes of feeling more normal and those turn into hours and slowly, ever so slowly healing begins for our broken hearts and there are days that become ok, then even pretty good. Slowly we integrate our love for and the loss of our child into our life.
I was just like you..I did not leave a charmed life before Eddie passed but when he did it was the greatest betrayal life could have dealt me. Just hold onto the knowledge that you are loved and your sisters here are holding you close and sending prayers and healing light. Try to visualize love and healing light washing over you..now feel our love. We are right here for you.
lead not leave is what I meant to say. Tight hugs and much love...Linda
I\'m so very very sorry. We have all been in your shoes and I for one would have bargained anything to have just one more anything. Our world does seem to stop while it goes on for everyone else. I promise it won\'t always feel like it does today. It takes such a long time to smile again and to even feel like life\'s worth living. Until then, we are your safety net. Hang on! Much love. Robin
The pain is so unfair & excruciating. Our family & friends cannot relate, so they really don\'t understand our pain. Here.... we know, we understand & we cry & hurt for each other. Our hands are joined as we walk this difficult journey.
Heartfelt hugs....Vicki
I feel your pain. I wish I could be there to cry with you. The pain and horror of it all comes in waves. Eventually the waves are less ferocious but the longing stays on. I cope with the support of the wonderful women on FMO.
Keep coming here when you need to vent. We understand.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
Oh precious friend......I\'ve written this same journal....many times.....
I\'m so sorry. I ache with you.
Please know we HEAR you, and we care.
Wishing you peace and respite from the pain. You will get through this. I am so sorry.
I lost my only child in 2003 from Lupus it took her 81 days to die. so much grief and suffering. Every thing you wrote in your journal I said the same thing. over and over. I felt like I was going Insane . but as the days pass things do get easier. But grief is a life long journey. Bless your angel, lots of big hugs and love Mary Ann.
Sending you love and understanding and I too have felt and thought everything you have written.
None of it is okay, fair and nor will it ever be...
With you and caring dearest Gina,
XO Joanie