Sad
So sad...this is all real. How is it possible that I have to go through this over and over again...realizing that she is really gone. I know she is gone...so why on earth do I feel shocked? I keep finding out about more people with Borderline Personality Disorder...I just heard someone say they usually commit suicide or end up in prison and that where we are now in terms of mental illness is where cancer and hiv was 20 years ago. So I guess we will raise awareness, find new treatments...there will be more hope for people that are diagnosed years from now. Too late to save my daughter, too late to save the grandchildren I might have had. Sorry sisters, feeling sorry for myself today...just sad, so damned sad.
Replies
It\'s horribly sad and unfair. So unfair to lose your baby, our babies, to any kind of disease. Hugs, Patti
We know intellectually that our babies are gone but it takes so much longer to accept it emotionally. I still find it hard after 5 1/2 yrs. one step at a time and don\'t forget to breathe. xoxoxo
How are we to survive 5 years of this grief??? How on earth have you done it??
(((hugs)))
My first year was a constant \"WHAM, she\'s really gone\" over and over with a few good days scattered in there just so I wouldn\'t go completely insane....
Raising awareness is a good thing....sure wish it didn\'t come with such a high price tag.... : (
How do we survive....moment to moment, then day to day, then week to week, then month to month, then year to year. Amazing we survive at all, but we do...
FMO is one of the biggest reason why I have survived. Kala is THE biggest reason I have found MY LIFE again. She demands it of me...and she\'s one stubborn biotch just like her momma!!! I\'m determined to live, and just crazy enough to pull it off!!! (I\'m sure you SEE my tears and heartache in the midst of my \"courage\".....sigh....)
I love ya darlin\', and I\'m sending all the good vibes and positive energy I have this very moment~~
Love to Cassi!
You have every right to these feelings and let me tell you this: it will be quite some time before you are able to resolve them. And you won\'t do it quite as well unless you have a good grief counselor, someone with a strong faith in God. I am three plus years out, I am surviving because my life is not my own to take, and because I am fundamentally mentally healthy and emotionally strong. But, more important, I was warned during an NDE at age five. It is normal for you to have days when you think you\'re \"ok\" and then suddenly get knocked on your ass, literally and/or emotionally. This won\'t change, the way you deal with it will. I have a neighbor who lost her only son (she has two daughters also, now fully grown women) in 1971 at 11 months of age to cancer. I was talking to her yesterday and I asked, \"When does this go away?\" Her answer was, \"Never. I look at his picture some days and wonder what kind of man and father he would have been.\" So you see, the loss of a child is the loss of part of yourself. I can laugh at a funny movie, I can make jokes with people (I have a way of making people laugh), I can enjoy a good meal, I can embrace others and offer them affection and support, I can wake up screaming, I can be angry at my daughter, I can read about the horrible combination of psychoses that she endured, and I can acknowledge that I was prepared to be, and was, the best mother possible for that precious soul. But I will always cry, perhaps not every day, but most, even for a small time. I will always desperately miss her. I know she\'s \"safe\", I know she\'s \"healed\", I know I will see her again, but the pain doesn\'t know it. We have to go forward because it is not our decision to make and we both know how suicide affects those left behind, including those we do not know (the first responders, for instance). No. It is not an option. Pray. Seek God\'s help in this, His mercy endures forever. My Mammon Marie came to me during the NDE at age five, she prepared me. Look to her, whether or not you are Roman Catholic. She watched her precious Son grow up, knowing something was going to \"happen\", something \"awful\"; she watched Him that day, tortured, shredded, bearing His cross; she watched Him suffer and die. Yes He resurrected in his \"glorified\" body, but so have our children because they are with Him. I pray for you every day, sister.
I am as amazed as anybody that I am still here 4 years after Lisa left us. Those pangs of realization do smack you in the face. It is just too horrific that our minds don\'t quite know how to process it (at least that is my theory).
My saving grace was this web site and keeping busy and caring friends.
I am glad you are going to raise awareness about Borderline Disorder. It seems like it is one of the illnesses that nobody talks about yet it is a lethal disease.
Hang in there Gina. We are on this rocky road together.
Love and caring hugs,
Marlene
You just cant...I mean, a mother isn\'t supposed to outlive her child...Dear God, I don\'t know how I can bear itanother 10, 20 years, however long I live. It\'s just been a really really bad day
I know it doesn\'t seem like it will happen, but eventually you will learn that you will get through the \"shock\" moments. I still have them, even though Michael has been gone for 5 1/2 years, At times, it overwhelms me and feels so fresh and raw and unbearable. But, years have taught me that it will pass and so I feel those moments, they are familiar to me now and they pass and I can feel at peace until the next one. Just know that a calm follows a storm. Love and hugs to you Dear one.
Peace.
Slowly you will learn how to live with this as you are dear Gina. Somehow each of us does in our way, in our own time and with a lot of help from wherever we find our source of strength and hope.
Only this moment, this day and never looking too far beyond it as it will always sink your boat. It does mine and I have learned that I just cannot begin imagining \"all the years\" without my son because it\'s just too painful. This IS the hardest work of a lifetime and each of us are courageous warriors to still be here. I\'m not sure how it happens, yet it does and will for you too, Gina. Cassi will make sure of it as I know Douglas has... Our children have a loving and healing hand in this of that I am 100% certain. It just has to BE...
With you and caring~
XO Joanie
I am so sorry for your pain. I\'m in sort of the same place with you timing-wise. I\'ve been mostly in a fog of disbelief for the past 9 months though and my pain has not been as present as yours has been. Unfortunately, that\'s changed in the past few days and I\'m in agony also. If you have any good ideas how to move past this pain, pleas share them. I go around my house screaming and crying at how unfair this all is.
Hi Gina - I argue with myself on a daily basis. \"is my daughter really gone?\", \"why haven\'t I heard from my daughter?\" , \"will today be the day I hear from her?\" - then reality sets in and the answer is NO, NO AND NO.....It has been almost 6 months and I still can\'t believe it.....Grief counseling helps me as well as my faith in God....it hurts so much!!! One day at a time, one minute at a time, one second at a time, YOU WILL GET THROUGH TODAY! I am holding your hand, your heart is close to me today and together we will .....we will......we will.....((hugging you so tight today)) Vicki
Oh Vicki!!! That just kills me, to pick up my phone to look for a text that will never be there again!
We will find our way again, Gina....don\'t know how but we will. Having no other children I feel lost most of the time as I just don\'t know what to do with my life yet - it\'s a new journey for you and me, without my daughter and without your daughter but we will make a new road eventually and our life will having meaning again. love you. Vicki