Okay?!?!
I am feeling okay today...tentatively okay...I am scared to trust it. I have been down this road before...The lows will come, I just wish I could enjoy the highs more instead of being afraid of the fall...the drop that I know is coming. But I am learning to trust the process, learning that I am so much stronger that I ever thought possible. I have been in the worst possible pain and fought my way through it. Now I want to try to quit fighting it. When it comes, I will try to sit with it, accept it...it's as much a part of me now as my daughter. I'd rather have her back...rather live moment to moment worried about her, knowing she is suffering, suffering right along with her. Feeling like a weak woman who knows she will take the easy way out if things get too bad.
Well, things HAVE been too bad...over and over...and they will be again. Somehow, I think if I can just accept the pain, maybe even embrace it as a strong reminder that I have a daughter, even if I can't hold her hand...even if I can't kiss her forehead, intentionally leaving lipstick which she pretended annoyed her but secretly I knew she loved.
Sisters...is this false confidence??? Am I getting ahead of myself?? It hasn't even been three months...Well, it's probably just a good day. So far...I just hope I can remember times like this the next time I am on the floor...and I really, really hope I can find a way to ride the waves of pain rather than fighting, fighting them off so hard...it doesn't work anyway.
Acceptance...I think that's the key, easier said than done, I know...but a great goal to work towards.
Well, things HAVE been too bad...over and over...and they will be again. Somehow, I think if I can just accept the pain, maybe even embrace it as a strong reminder that I have a daughter, even if I can't hold her hand...even if I can't kiss her forehead, intentionally leaving lipstick which she pretended annoyed her but secretly I knew she loved.
Sisters...is this false confidence??? Am I getting ahead of myself?? It hasn't even been three months...Well, it's probably just a good day. So far...I just hope I can remember times like this the next time I am on the floor...and I really, really hope I can find a way to ride the waves of pain rather than fighting, fighting them off so hard...it doesn't work anyway.
Acceptance...I think that's the key, easier said than done, I know...but a great goal to work towards.
Replies
At first, every breakdown for me, every waking moment, every thing was the \"low\". It took me a couple of years (or maybe less, I can\'t remember now), that I finally figured them out and knew that the despair would pass. It is why we call it the roller coaster ride of our lives. In time, I learned that when I felt so much heart pain, it would pass and I would be in a different place with it. I doubt this makes sense :-). After time, it evened out and things changed. Ever changing. But the despair has ended...It is an old friend now and I now how to deal with it.
Peace.